More Like Kermit the Liar

Open Letter to Kermit "The" Frog

Dear Mr. Frog,

First of all, there are exactly three songs about rainbows: your song, that famous one in that famous movie, and finally the theme song to the show "Reading Rainbow." Secondly, only one of those songs discusses what is on the other side of said rainbow. Finally, even if there were "many songs about rainbows," it would make sense, because a rainbow is a gigantic, multi-colored arc that illogically shoots across the sky after rain. You'd think that would inspire the occasional musical ditty here and there.

In fact, I think I better question is: "Why aren't there more songs about rainbows?" I mean sugar...the powdery white substance (or brown, if you're a Rolling Stone) has at least 7 songs about it...all remarking about how sweet it is. I mean...dozens of famous artists commenting that "sugar is sweet" is far more puzzling to me than the fact that someone is amazed at the sight of a rainbow. I mean...c'mon...you rarely even see sugar most of the time -- it's usually dissolved when you ingest it.

Anyhow, I love the work you're doing…especially your in-depth reporting over at Sesame St. Keep it up...but really, I think you should leave the song-writing to people that don't have to worry about being green.

Well, While I'm at It...

Here's another piece of artistry. Sure, it doesn't have the "production values" of the MasterPark commercial...but I think it has far more heart...

Enjoy.

Jealousy

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This Is My Commercial

Hey Everyone! I have suckled on the mighty teat of capitalism, and completely sold out to the man. Here's the commercial I filmed a month ago! I hope you like it. Personally, I think I look terrific in red. Anyway, here it is:

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Chain-chain, Chaaaaaaaaain...

There are one things that I love in life:

A) Furniture

B) Television shows starring "Tony Danza"

C) Monkeys dressed like humans

D) The "Back" button on the Internet Explorer web browser.

In fact, I'm so excited about the Back button, I drew this little homage:

And if you're wondering how long that took to draw, I'll tell you: a really long time. Days. Weeks. Hours. Years. Um...what other kinds of time measurement are there? Yearometers? (I'm pretty sure thats what the metric snobs out there call "years").

Point is: Back is great. It's so great that it's "grrrrrrrrreat!" I mean, where else in life does one get the chance to go backwards? Other than in a gymnasium, I can't think of a single place...which is one of the main reasons why I love this button so much. Right?

But here's the problem...and I think I've alluded to this before. When I go to blog here, any time I've finished my post and I give 'er the final "once-over" (because God knows I could never live with myself were a typo published in thsi fine waste of time). Well, because of my love affair with Mr. Back button (I'm going to give him the nickname "Backy," because it sounds really stupid), I just give Backy a gentle tap. Unfortunately, Backy and MySpace don't like each other that much, and all those brilliant words I've been typing are, when I use Backy, completely erased. Years worth of wit, wisdom, comedy, brilliance, insight, and cheddar have been washed completely away because Backy and MySpace refuse to love each other.

I really dont know how to make this any better. I've introduced MySpace to Mr. Ctrl-C, but you have to invite Ctrl-C places, or he just forgets to come. It's a sorry state of affairs...sometimes I get so sad about it that I rub lotion on my forearms...but nothing seems to help!

Chain-chain, chaaaaaaaaain...

Dance, you fool! DANCE!

Things that I have observed that have nards:

A) Your mother

B) National Agricultural Research and Development Systems

C) Nerds without spellcheck

D) Wolfman

If You Don't Have Anything nice to Say

So she says "What do you have against Jews?"

"Juice?"

"No, Jews."

"Juice?"

"No, Jews."

".......Juice?"

"NO! Jews!"

"I'm sorry, are you saying 'juice?'"

"No, I said, 'What have you got against Jews?'"

"'What have I got again juice?' What does that mean? That doesn't even make sense!"

"Jews!"

"Juice?"

"JEWS!!!"

"Oooooh. You're saying 'juice!'"

"NO! I'm saying 'Jews!' Jews! Jews! People of the Hebrew faith! Jewish people!"

"............juice?"

"Oh, now you're just doing that on purpose."

"Doing what? Juice?"

"No, you're just trying to make me mad. Well, it's not going to work."

"I honestly don't have anything against juice."

"I'm not talking about juice."

"What are you talking about?"

"Jews."

"Oh. I thought you were saying 'juice.'"

"I know."

"I don't have anything against Jews? What made you think that?"

"I'm not sure, actually. It's just...they way you look, I guess."

"I look anti-Semitic?"

"I guess."

"Well, I'm not."

"Oh. Good."

"Want to watch Dawson's Creek re-runs?"

"Sure. Here's your toast."

Super Power

If I had only one super power, it would be to have the ability to summon the a capella group "Rockapella" simply by shouting:

"DO IT ROCKAPELLA!!!"

Any time...any place.

For instance, if I were standing on the other side of a green Dutch door, something like this may happen: