Startling Realization

So I had a startling realization today...it was crazy. I was feeling around my dome (you may also call it a "pate" or "scalp") and my fingers gently caressed something they hadn't caressed before. A good chunk of head, minus that healthy hair coating that people have. "Nonsense," I muttered to myself in an impeccable, highly-trained English dialect. I grabbed by camera and looked for visual evidence. Now, this may shock some, so if you're weak-stomached, turn away now:



I looked at my little LCD screen and gasped audibly. What the hell happened? I mean...I was doing so well "not thinking" about it...and during all that wishful ignorant time, things seem to have gotten worse.

Well, I am nothing if not a "man of action." Quickly, I started drinking heavily (this is my response to most of life's problems). After the 3rd or 4th glass or orange juice, I was pretty well sauced (and not thirsty any more). I knew what I needed to do: see what Amazon.com recommends.

Oddly enough, Amazon took me by the hand, calmed me down, gave me some Tums for my acid indigestion problems (that was a lot of orange juice in a very short period of time), and whispered in my ear: "Minoxidil." I said "Did you mean Minotaur?" "No, Minoxidil." "Minnick v Mississippi?" "Minoxidil. Here, let me show you."

And Amazon took me on a lovely little trip over to Rogaine.com. "Oh! Rogaine? Amazon, why didn't you just say Rogaine?" "Because there's copyright issues, and stuff. I don't know." "That's fine, Amazon...how much for some sweet, sweet Rogaine?" "Only fifty dollars for a 3 month supply." There was an awkward silence. "Um...how much for the cheap generic brand?" "Thirty dollars for a four month supply...on sale." "SOLD!"

So I'm off to the not at all embarassing world of hair regrowth formula (it's somewhere between "buying condoms at a grocery store" and "boner pills" on the embarassing scale). I've done a little scientific research using the best applications available to me (Microsoft Paint), and here's a projection of the full, lustrous, sexy head of hair I'm 'bout to have:



Oh, and my cat will become a pirate...and I will replace the "QWER" on my keyboard with "POOP." Because the word poop is, I believe, fairly funny.

I'll check back with updates. Full, sexy, unnatural head of hair? Here I come...