Im a big fan of people who, instead of saying "Bye," or "Goodbye" on the telephone, say "mmmmbye" or "mmmmguh-bye" when they conclude the conversation. It's classy, methinks.
How did I miss this "growing your hair shaggy hair is cool" style? Do you know how much money I would have saved from all the L.A. Looks bottles I went through in Junior High? Sucks!
I'm eagerly awaiting the day that the greased comb-over becomes the chic hairstyle for the bald dude.
Pretty soon we'll be out of "Packs" that rhyme with the word "Rat." From the research that I've done, the next "Packs" to be filled will have to be either the Scat Pack, or the Fat Pack. Good luck with those two, Hollywood.
Oh, and I recommend Vincent Gallo, Crispin Glover, and Skeet Ulrich to be the founding members of the Scat Pack. Kevin James, Jason Alexander, and Nathan Lane can take er easy as the initial members of the Fat Pack.
I think it should be an entry requirement that the Scat Pack has weird names, and the Fat Pack has normal, inoffensive names.
I'm of the opinion that every sandwich should have mayonnaise in it, somewhere. And if not mayonnaise, at least horseradish sauce.
I just learned that the Horseradish Capital of the World is Collinsville, Illinois. The Opal Capital of the World? Coober Pedy, Austrailia.
I am shocked and disgusted at what passes for "accidental nudity" nowadays. Where are the explosions? The passion? The threadbare blouses?!
You want to know a good way to make someone slack off at their job? Tell them they are getting laid off in 3 months. Bingo.
There are very few foods that I would kill a person for. One of those few: a good pork loin sandwich. With horseradish sauce.
I'm not a master of any one thing. I'm more of a person that is below-average at everything. Especially croquet.
You know what tastes awful? Sawdust.
It's not that I dislike Anthony Hopkins. Honestly! I don't even know the guy!
I mean, yes, Times New Roman may be a boring font, but its sooooooooo easy to read!
How long until we get the 5 bladed razor? I'm counting the weeks!!!
I hope I never have to utter the phrase: I'd like to speak with my lawyer first.
Shakespearean insults are very intriguing, but I'm still a huge fan of the more modern kinds. They just seem to hurt so much more. I mean, would you rather be a "Clod of wayward marl," or a "Dumb, ugly douchebag?"
I don't consider myself a racist person, but I really, really hate people born in Laos. Wait! That does make me racist, doesn't it? Damn! Well, it could be worse -- I could be Laotian.
Favorite King: King Mindaugas, founder of the Lithuanian state.
Have you ever used food to scratch your back? I imagine a "pineapple" would be the best thing to accomplish this task, followed closely by a "back-scratcher-shaped-potato."
For some reason I think the boys in the band Barenaked Ladies may have a sense of humor that is very tongue-in-cheek.
Sometimes I just want to stand up on a chair, in the middle of a crowded room, and just scream, "Goddamn it! Can everyone just relax, for Christ's Sake!??!"
For some reason I try to refrain from using the words fuck or shit but if you ask me to take the Lords name in vain? Absolutely. With relish.
And mayonnaise.
I keep getting tripped up by the fact that mayonnaise has two n's in it. That is just tricky, tricky stuff there.
Is God really going to send me to hell for saying the phrase "goddamn it"? What if the god I'm damning is Shiva? Wouldn't he want me to damn Shiva?
If doing humanitarian work is wrong, then I don't want to be right, baby!
Then again, the whole reason that I don't do humanitarian work is because I think its wrong. Oh boy, am I confused now, or what?!
All the ladies in the house say "Yeah!"
They should include matches in every sewing kit that they sell, because I cant tell you how many times I've found a stray string on a piece of clothing and thought, "Aw dammit! Hell! I need to burn that little bitch so it doesn't unravel any more." I curse a lot in my head -- but its all PG13 cursing, so it's okay.
Motherfucker.
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