For Your Health! (part 8)

So.

The nuclear stress test came back clean.

Aside from one ER doctor's dubious interpretation of an EKG (which was summarily ignored by my "team" of cardiologists), my heart has passed every single test it was given.

This leads me to the inexorable conclusion: there is nothing wrong with my heart.

So.

What now?

Well, now I'm pretty sure I have some kind of panic disorder.

"But Tyler! You've never been an anxious person! In fact, you're the most laid-back, chill, easy-going, sexy person I've ever known!"

Yes, that's true. But, from what I've read, that don't mean shit. Panic attacks don't happen because a person is nervous, or because "sumthin' bad happend." To quote this document I'm reading in another window, "Researchers are not sure what causes panic attacks."

"So, that's great! Sounds like you need a vacation! LOL! Maybe just do some deep breathing next time or something, pussy! LOLOL!!!"

I've tried that...both the "vacation" and the "relaxation." Neither worked. I'm having an intense physiological reaction to...something. And it's fairly non-specific...which is why I think it has complicated and delayed an actual "medical diagnosis."

I don't know why it happened. I don't know how it happened. But I'm sure that something has happened, and that it's not getting better.

Luckily for me, these "mind" problems can be treated. There's an entire industry that has sprung up in recent years (called the "pharmaceutical" industry, apparently) that is solely dedicated to fixing brain problems. That sounds like that's my next stop. And if that don't fix it...then it's back to the drawing board, I suppose.

But...do you know the shitty thing? This whole thing is embarrassing. Like...super-duper embarrassing. Not "shut up and stop blogging about it" embarrassing...but it's close.

I've been ping-ponging around to hospitals and doctors' offices, getting my blood drawn, racking up hundreds of dollars in copay bills, totally convinced that I'm dying. I've been detailing my health issues to all of my friends and family...worrying people who are too far away to help. I've been moping around the house, scared to be "active" because I might have another attack. I've convinced myself, and everyone around me, that I've got some kind of serious medical issue...and that the goddamn doctors just aren't seeing it.

(and for the record, I might still have an issue...it's probably just not heart-related)

But the reality just might be that I'm having some kind of mental health issue -- something is just misfiring somewhere in that beautiful brain of mine. Countless hours have been spent analyzing bodily fluids, measuring organs, and monitoring my electrical pulses of what appears to be a perfectly healthy (if a little overweight) 32 year old dude. If there's nothing "physically" wrong with me, there must be something "mentally" wrong with me.

Anyhow, that's the next step. And since I'm 8 parts into this goddamn saga, I'll continue to update you all on my mental health trials and tribulations. You'll read every goddamn minute of it, and love it all...damn you.

The Luckiest

Hey.

So, I've been very lucky. I wanted to tell you all that. Not that I haven't worked hard and earned things, but I must say, as far as things that are "out of my hands," I've done pretty good.

Especially recently.

For instance, I was going to write a big ol' fat blog about today's court appearance. I contested a speeding ticket I received last September, and today was the scheduled court date.

I was going to write about my massive amount of research...I was going to attach a transcript of the court proceedings...I was going to link to the technical document and laws that I used to contest the ticket. I was going to expose my success or failure, for the world to see and learn from.

So, at court today, I arrived with two notebooks full of laws, cross examination questions, technical manuals, legal motions, appellate court case rulings, and medical documents. I was ready to battle my ass off, for the sake of "lulz," entertainment, and education (now that it's over I can say with confidence that I was totally going 56 MPH in a 40 MPH zone -- so this had nothing to do with "justice").

What happened?

The officer never showed up. Case dismissed. Bam.

I win.

I'd worked my ass off for dozens of hours on a case that never actually went to trial.

Cool.

Another example of luck. A couple of weeks ago, one of my coworkers came to me and asked if I'd filled out my NCAA Bracket. The building I work in does a yearly "March Madness" competition, with prizes for the top 5 finishers (there were 64 entries this year...ironically enough). I hadn't watched a lick of college basketball all season, but I decided to just take 5 minutes and throw a bracket down...using the "Tyler Method," which picks a couple of upsets at random, favors programs that I recognized as being "good" at one time, and ultimately selects the "favorite" to win it all.

What happened?

I finished in 2nd place, and got a $100 gift card. Here's my bracket: http://games.espn.go.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/en/entry?entryID=5495201 I picked Kentucky because they were the favorites, and Kansas because they were good when I paid attention to college basketball, and I didn't want to have all #1 seeds in the final 4.

Nice.

Another example -- I got sick in 2012. If I'd had these symptoms three years ago, I would have had no health insurance, and it would have been miserable. Every trip to the doctor's office would have been horribly expensive, and (now that I've racked up nearly a dozen office visits without a definite diagnosis) totally unproductive and wasteful.

I can just imagine myself...driving my wife crazy...thinking that I'm going to die because I couldn't afford preventative, diagnostic care. It would have been an awful, helpless feeling that I'm sure millions of people around the United States (I was going to say "world," but that wouldn't have been true, would it?) feel.

Luckily, I have a good job, which affords me the opportunity to receive good insurance. Consequently, I'm very lucky that this happened when it did, though it was completely out of my hands...

Which is another example. I lucked into this job...which is a tremendous job that I'd really like to keep for as long as possible. Don't get me wrong -- I was qualified for this job, and I worked my butt off to go from "temp" to "permanent employee," but landing this thing in the first place was pure, unadulterated luck. I could have wound up at an office with a terrible, overbearing boss...or surrounded by jag-offs. But I really like and respect my bosses, as well as the folks I work with. It was totally out of my hands...but I'm so grateful I wound up here.

Then, there's my boy. I've already covered the "health insurance" thing, which was another fortunate aspect of Henry's arrival...but there's more than that. There is so much that can go wrong while the child's in utero. There are so many little genes and alleles and hormones that can go haywire, and create medical problems that are out of a parent's hands. And after the child is born there are things like Croup or Colic or Whooping Cough or SIDS that are sometimes impossible to avoid.

But we dodged those bullets. I have friends that did not. I did nothing to deserve this healthy little boy that I have, but I am eternally grateful for it.

Lastly, there's my wife. I don't like getting too mushy about this stuff, because no one wants to read about how much someone loves their wife...but just to let you in on a little secret -- I do. I really really do love this woman so all-consumingly that it's really had to put into words sometimes. I wind up using really descriptive words, like "really" when I have to explain it...which makes me feel really incapable of writing good. She makes me tongue-tied, but with my fingers. Finger-tied.

But with Erika, I have to say, that I did not earn her affection; not consciously, at least. I've been infatuated with plenty of girls before Erika, convinced that they were "perfect for me," but none of them felt the same way about me...and the ones that did weren't really that "perfect for me" after all.

I got really lucky to find someone that just complements me so well, and even more lucky that she felt the same way about me. Plus, she's really pretty...which is hard to imagine for a dude that looks the way I do. It was the ultimate "luck-out."

Our first wedding dance was to the Ben Folds song "The Luckiest." Turns out, it's totally true.

I hope you understand -- I'm not saying these things to brag. I try not to brag in this humble little blog space, though if I do manage an accomplishment I'll give it an ol' mention here (I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out a humble way to boast of my NCAA bracket accomplishment, for instance...and this is how I decided to bring it up).

What I'm saying is, I've been incredibly lucky. It could have just as easily gone the other way for me, then I would have been able to claim that I've been incredibly unlucky. But I haven't been unlucky, and I'm very grateful for that.