Erika Erika has the sexiest body that I have ever seen, and is by far the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet. On the down side, I also saw her punch a homeless guy once.
Matt Matt has the most beautifully trimmed facial hair that I have ever seen on a man, and I think he'd look great with a full beard. Unfortunately he has a nasty habit of stealing my car and selling it for drug money.
Molly Molly decorated her apartment elaborately, and I would turn to her first if I were to ever purchase a chandelier. That is, if she could ever stop setting things on fire.
Meaghan Meaghan is all that a first cousin could ask for in another first cousin. But she's been crashing at my place for about 4 months now, and always eats my Nutri-Grain bars without asking first.
Lauren Lauren did me the great service of actually marrying my cousin Danny, which she did with Aplomb. Unfortunately, Aplomb is the name of her Pakistani housekeeper, and the three-way-marriage is reportedly fairly awkward at this point.
Noah Noah is the tallest person I have ever met, and he has very nice teeth. But whenever I see him, he bites me with those teeth and tells me my flesh tastes like "Cooked Turnips..." and I wish he'd stop.
Patrick Patrick is the tallest person I have ever met, and he could destroy me in either an arm-wrestling competition or Boggle. But I think he's a little vain sometimes, and just because he is the most beautiful human being alive, it doesn't mean he has to act like it. Sheesh.
Jess Jess makes me crap my pants she's so talented. Now if she could stop using that talent to promote the forces of evil at the "Church Of Ba'al," we'd probably be even better friends.
Nick Nick's hair smells like Pert Plus, and I really dig that. His breath also smells like Pert Plus, and that makes me a little uncomfortable.
Sharky Sharky is strong...I bet he could bench press the New York Knicks if he wanted to. All he does now is bench press the grass in my back yard, and there are some unsightly divots that need constant filling because he always feels the need to show off his manly biceps.
Tessa Tessa looks totally awesome when the wind whips through her hair. But when her whip whips through the air, it usually leaves welts on my forearms...that have been placed in a protective manner over my face after she's "had a few."
Aubrey Aubrey not only has the coolest name I have ever heard, it also happens to fall at #1 alphabetically on my list of friends. Just be warned though, she will tackle you violently if you accidently call her "Aub."
David David wears the best pants. But pants are the only thing he wears -- the rest of his body is covered in moist pink paint.
Eric Eric can put a healthy dose of "stank" on a track that he's mixing, and he's far and away the best DJ of all my friends. But dude cheats like hell when he plays Bed Bugs ©...trust me.
Jocelyn Jocelyn has the most awesome speaking voice that you will ever lay ears on...and if you have a chance, let the woman talk to you for a while. Now, when I asked her to do this she stabbed me...so be sure to ask nicely.
Betsy Betsy can apply glitter so that it appears as if her skin itself glistened...and she knows karate. She has a monkey fetish.
Brett Brett is the tallest...wait...um...I mean Brett does an amazing Groucho Marks impression. But his Harpo impression sucks.
Krystle Krystle can literally kick her leg 7 feet over her head -- I've seen it. She told me that her Beanie Babies© taught her to do that...according to her they teach her "everything."
Chris Chris was in Drivers Ed with me, and he didn't hit a car the entire time we drove together. He did run the car into the side of a building...but the damage was minor.
Lisa Lisa and I went to junior high, and high school together...and she has lived her life with passion. But with great passion come great responsibility, and I fear her passion is almost too passionate for the world to bear right now.
But if I haven't, then dammit what's it gonna' take? 
No, but I treasure you all, as a pirate would treasure his booty. I'm guessing, "Clambaked?" I'm guessing, "Clambaked?" I'm guessing, "Clambaked?"Here's what I figure. I could go on in life, cheerfully filling my blog with any old crap, and the 2 people who read my blog (the other user ID I use in which I pretend to be a hot 23 year old female named Chela, and my mom) might get a hell of a kick out of it. But I think it's time to raise the level of discourse; kick it up a notch. Bring this blognation to what I like to call "The Next Generation." That is, I need a serious blog entry...
Because I was thinking about it. Sure, I spent the first week or so looking up people I used to know. I did manage to find people I knew well such as my best friend from elementary school (What's UP, The Hunt?). I also found all sorts of crazy people whose names I remembered but who I never really talked to. And God Bless those people for existing, because I truly cherish them, but I don't think they're really interested in "what I been doing with my life since they last saw me..." because they really didn't know me...and most people aren't really interested in a stranger's life story (especially if they create huge, cumbersome run-on sentences with elipses and parenthesis littered throughout the length of the thing).
But then there are the forgotten ones. Or, as I like to call them, "The Forgotten Ones." Sorry, I'm not creative at all...but I am good at capitalizing letters. Anyways, these are the people who I had one or more conversations with, who might actually remember "who I was," and might be "interested in what I was doing," but who I didn't actually look up...because I forgot that I knew them. Those people, I thought, deserve an update...partly because I feel bad that I forgot about them, but mostly because that's what you do when you meet people you haven't seen in a while. You ask them what they've been "up to." You tell them what you've been "up to." You make out. You cry a little bit in the car ride home. You pick daisies from the side of a hill and go home and create your patented "Daisy Shake" in the blender, and you sip that while watching reruns of "The Gilmore Girls."
But I digress (damn, and I promised myself I wasn't going to digress...but here I go digressing all over the place...shooting my digressions is sticky wads all over the keyboard and mouse). So I've decided to spend a post updating all interested parties on what I been "up to," because really, the only reason I decided to log into this site was to see what people from my past were "up to." I figure they deserve the same from me...and I'm not really interested in dating you (sorry ladies...why did I have to be a heartbreaker) because I've already found & moved-in with the perfect girl, like, 2 years ago. I don't want new friends, because as interesting and cool as you are, I've got friends with an actual corporeal form who are much more fun to hang with. And I don't want to have dirty, dirty, dirty cybersex with you...because I have to type with two hands. Sorry. It's just this thing I do (and honestly, have you ever tried to type "I am unbuttoning my jeans to bring out my 12" rod; do you like what you see?" with your left hand? It's damn near impossible. The quotation marks alone make the whole endeavor just not worth it)
Damn digression! And a gross one too...great...there goes any chance I had with all those hotties from my past (kidding, Erika 
) (wait, is that the "dead" emoticon? Awesome!). So anyway, I now realize that this entry has gone from "way the damn hell too long" to "eternal." So, I might actually just stop typing now, and save the update for later...probably tomorrow. Actually...I think that's a fantastic way to build up a little suspense. "Wow, I can't wait until Tyler updates his blog tomorrow! I won't be able to sleep a wink until I find out!!!" (the only people saying this will be Chela and mom, of course).
In the mean time...do try to get a little sleep Charlene and Chela...because that's how I feel about abortion (man, I totally forgot about that closing line).
(originally posted October 10, 2005)
Speaking of Life, one thing I didn't get: why did you get money at the end of the game for the number of kids you had? It always struck me as a little creepy -- I hope my mom doesn't sell me off when she retires.
Speaking of love (and I wasn't), have you ever noticed that the more you love something, the more full of darts it becomes? It's like this motorcycle I never owned, but loved with what I like to term a "long distance" relationship. I mean, I'd think about it all the time (especially when I was pouring concrete), and when I finally did get to spend a weekend with it, all I did was throw something like 50 darts into seat. Something wrong with that...let me tell you.
Speaking of tell, my new favorite word is "jam." I'm going to use that word instead of "jelly" all the time. Such as, "Pour that grape jam all over my chest, Mischa."
Seriously, anyone talking about Religion and Philosophy in their blog needs to send me $5, so I can hire a plumber to come over and grout their tiles.
So, I've decided to talk about Gatorade instead. Let me tell you something -- sort of a "personal story" about me and Gatorade. When I was six years old. Well...Gatorade...touched me. Down...down there. I...I can't believe I'm actually talking about this now. I've been dealing with these awful emotions for years. Repressing them...blaming myself. Turns out, Gatorade has been doing this kind of thing to young boys for decades...starting in the late 60s when he was first released from prison.
Well now that I've made this stunning confession (which I bet 3...perhaps as many as 4 people might actually read), I think I can finally move on with my life.
(originally posted October 6, 2005)
So, I think I may have just made the most important decision in my life. See...I was looking at the four fonts...and I always thought Times New Roman was the worst font that God ever created. I'm pretty sure God created Times New Roman right before he invented herpes, and Antonin Scalia. So, that was out right away. And Courier New is about as interesting as getting kicked in the side of the head, so I won't even go into a discussion about that. Plus, I think all font types with more than one word are racist.
That left me with Verdana or Arial. Now, this was a choice that I don't think Sophie herself could have even made. It's like chosing between Mark Ruffalo and Mark Wahlberg! Or Granny Smith apples and Fuji!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some Arial. In fact, I think I had my first kiss while I was typing with an Arial font (Narrow, I believe). But, Verdana won the day. I'm not sure if it was the pseudo-Italian undertones, or the fact that it started with the letter "V." But whatever it was, I was hooked, and I don't think I could ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever turn back. Ever. Unless I change my mind.
Now on to more important things...like my damn mood. I never KNEW there were so many adjectives to choose from...though I didn't see "dying" in there -- which is how I'm always feeling. Stomach cancer will do that to a person. Fortunately, I don't have stomach cancer, but if I've heard that people die from it. No, I'm just dying a slow, illness-free death. It's as exciting as it is boring.
So, to split the difference, I'm going to put "accomplished." Because, well, it was the stupidest word on the list. And that is saying quite a bit. No, actually, it's only saying 20 words. But it felt like a lot.
And why can't I put "typing" in what I'm doing. Listen, I love Blogs as much as the next man, but with these limited choices I might be forced to go outside and actually talk to people. Trust me, you do NOT want that.
So I put "Watching DVD/Video" (which I hope is short-hand for porn, though I'm not totally sure about that). I can't wait until tomorrow, when I can make all new life-changing choices. Now, if only I had a snappy ending that I could put at the end of every Blog entry. Something like, "And that's how I feel about abortion." Hmm...I like it.
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