This year's tax return was quite a shock, for a number of reasons. The first (and most important) being that, for the first time since I was a teenager, I owed money. Not just "money," but a substantial amount of money.
So I decided, after consulting with a few "entertainment biz" colleagues, to see if an "accountant" could improve my numbers at all.
I assembled all of my 2010 receipts...laboriously went through my checking account statement...and printed out about 100 pages worth of tax document information from the current and previous year. I was planning on writing off as much as I legally could.
I brought it to the accountant...who was a very unconventional, borderline slovenly older gentleman dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He spent about 10 minutes looking at my assembled tax documents:
"I see that you put all of your deductions on your Schedule C."
"Yep." I guess that's the name of the document the HR Block software used.
"Makes sense. That's the only was you're going to get any money back."
He continued flipping through my documents, looking a little nervous. "So, Tyler, are you familiar with the hobby loss rule?"
"Um...no."
"Basically, it's an IRS law that says if you lose money on your business in three of five years, it's considered a hobby, not a job."
"Oh."
Awesome. So this meant I probably wasn't going to do much better on my tax return (shortly after the hobby loss discussion, he said, "I'm going to be brutally honest with you; I can't help you. I'm not going to take your money, but I suggest you just eat the cost.").
But not only that, it also meant that I'm not sure I can call myself a professional actor any more; technically. I mean, I'll still do it...because it sounds cool. but according to the IRS, I currently have a very expensive "acting hobby."
Don't worry -- you haven't stumbled upon a "Woe is me!!! I'm not famooose yet!" blog entry that every actor with a blog posts a minimum of once a year.
On the contrary...I've never wanted, nor expected fame and fortune. I mean, my goal from the moment I moved to Los Angeles was to be a "working actor." It hasn't happened yet, but that's why it's a "goal," not an "expectation." If it never happens...then so be it. I tried, like hundreds of thousands that have come before me, and I didn't quite get there. It's totally fine, and I'm prepared for it.
But ideally, of course, I'd like to be a working actor. I'm trying, sure, but I definitely could be doing more. I think that's one of the great fallacies that actors buy into -- the "I've worked my ass off, and I have nothing to show for it" whine. Not everyone works their ass off as much as they should/could/say they do. It's a lie that actors tell themselves to excuse their lack of success. Most "actors" have day jobs that consume too much of their time...or they watch television...or play video games...or take on a non-acting hobby of some kind...and time gets wasted.
Then again, only crazy people are actually thinking about how to improve their acting careers every waking hour...and crazy people are generally pretty terrible actors (in spite of what you may have heard).
Another lie actors tell themselves is: "It's just a matter of time" (I tell this lie to myself all the time, in an effort to stay positive). I mean...that's true for some people, but for a lot of people it's just another excuse for the inevitable depressing career examination. For most folks, no matter how hard they try, no matter how much effort the into it, and no matter how long they try, they're probably not going to reach the level of success they desire/deserve.
Success is a funny thing. I've been around quite a bit of success...which is what prompted this blog entry, I suppose. I've worked with two Tony winners (one also has a Pulitzer, the other owns a Peabody), an American Idol Runner-Up, six actors that are currently (or will soon be) appearing on Broadway, and countless others with Broadway credits, legitimate film and television credits, and popular voice-over credits (including the voice of Portal's GlaDOS).
If you couldn't tell, I love name dropping.
The point is (is there a point?) I've seen success happen. For the most part, when I knew these people they weren't successful working actors; they were struggling local actors who became successful through hard work, talent, perseverance, and good fortune.
And of course, success was richly deserved by each person.
Now, if I were the jealous type, I'd be pretty disheartened by all of this. "Why not me???" an annoying person might moan. But I'm not that guy (for the most part). I'm proud of all of them, and honored to have known them before they hit it big. I consider them friends, and I think they'd consider me likewise.
But what about my "career?" Personally, I don't think my time has passed, to be delusionally frank (it's just a matter of time!!!), and I don't think I'll ever give up on it. When I look back at my silly little life, even if I don't ultimately become a success in the entertainment industry, I can always be proud of the fact that I moved to Los Angeles, tried to achieve all of my dreams, and came pretty damn close.
So I'll keep trying...because nothing's stopping me, really. There will be some months where I'm working very hard, and doing a lot. There will be other months where I'm just sorta' sitting on my ass, doing nothing. But I don't see myself ever really stopping. If it's a job, or just a hobby, I don't think I'll ever stop acting.
And if success happens; cool. If not...well damn; at least I tried.
Showing posts with label Honesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Honesty. Show all posts
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
A Letter to my Child
I think about death a lot.
Sorry. That was a bit blunt. You may have started reading thinking you were going to see a sweet, father-to-child letter that would bring some "aww's." Don't worry -- I might get there eventually. But I thought I should give some kind of rationale, while I'm thinking of it.
I'd say that's my #1 fear in life -- death. I always considered it a pretty rational fear, really. "Thanatophobia." Which is, apparently, a real thing.
But be not a-fear'd -- to the best of my knowledge I'm not dying, or in danger of dying any time soon. I'm a relatively healthy 31 year old male, with a proud family history of "longevity," to go along with a relatively healthy lifestyle.
However, I'm still preoccupied with my early demise. I ride my bike to work, often...and (don't tell Erika this, but) there are some times when I have a premonition the night before that I'm going to get into a horrible accident on my way in to work.
Of course, all thoughts of the premonition vanish when I'm on the road...and so far, my "future telling skills" are historically lousy. I've started to use it to the effect that I'll wish bad things upon people just so it won't happen to them.
But because of this, and because my wife is now about 10 weeks pregnant, my thanatophobia has been thrown into hyper-drive. Now I think, what if my kid never gets to meet me?
Macabre, I know. Sorry. Again, this might be me "wishing bad things upon myself" just so they won't happen. Bear with me.
Anyhow, to allay this fear...I thought I might write a letter to that little alien-looking mini-person...just so he or she could have some kind of idea what I was like, and what I would have been like if I hadn't died heroically, saving the life of dozens of orphans from a warehouse fire (because orphans love warehouses).
Okay. On with the madness.
Dear Bean,
That's what we called you, early on. The bean. Our little bean. Two little centimeters of human, growing inside of my wife. Or, at least you were the first time I saw you.
It probably doesn't mean much to you now. If you're old enough to be reading this, you're probably old enough to forget about all that crap that happened while you were in the womb. The placenta, the uterine lining, the umbilical cord, the muffled sound of the theme song to the show Top Chef...all a distant memory.
Who am I? Who was I? Well...I'm your father, dammit. Don't you ever forget that. Mom says to eat your vegetables, so do it, dammit. Listen to your mother.
Sorry. Truth?
First, I'll give you some history. To be frank, I had a bit of a different idea in mind when I thought about "me being a father." I thought what I wanted to do was bring a child into a perfect little world, where I owned a home, had no debt, and had enough money to cover a full college tuition to the "Ivy League University of your Choosing." I wanted to be making a bunch of money that I could give you so you wouldn't have to actually hold a job until you graduated college at 23.
But that wasn't reality. I have a hell of a time trying to save money, and I've never really been much for "stability." When I met your mother, I fell madly in love with her, and I believed that I owed it to humanity to bring a copy of her into the world.
Consequently, all my thoughts of this "perfect little world" fantasy met with my new reality. But, I mean, no parent is ever really ready to embark on this "child rearing" adventure, right? So, once the "let's make a baby" idea was proposed to me, I thought, "Yeah. Let's do it. Sounds like fun."
So we made you. You're probably not old enough yet to learn how we did it...but needless to say, it's one of the great perks of trying to have children. The process was, really, much easier than I thought it'd be. Two months of (really) inconsistent attempts and suddenly you blipped into existence. Heck, the ink was barely dry on my health insurance plan...if you'd come two months earlier, you would have been a really terrible financial burden.
Not that that's your fault, or anything. You're just a prune-sized glob of goo. In fact, I hear your baby teeth are just starting to form as I type...so congrats on that. I have grown-up teeth...which makes me better than you. Boom. How does that feel?
Sorry. So, who was your dad? I know, I haven't answered that yet. It's a good question.
Well I tell you, I have one hell of a dad (which means you've got one hell of a granddad). He's a guy that I deified, really...which means, I made him to be "God-like" (sorry, I'm going to use some big words here -- ask you mother what they mean if you're confused). In fact, he's such a great guy that I can't imagine being as great a dad as he was...and I find it hard to believe that one day you could be typing a letter to your unborn child where you're saying that you ever deified me.
Don't get me wrong. It'd be an honor. I'm just saying...it's hard for me to imagine.
Because, who was your dad? Again, I'm failing to answer the question. But, to be honest, it's a hell of a question.
I don't know who I am, really. You little bastard. Geez. Get off my back.
Sorry. I get angry sometimes.
I'm a guy who likes new paragraphs and sentence fragments.
Apparently.
Here's the truth: I'm scared. You're probably scared, too. You're all, "Where the hell am I? Why's it so dark? Why do my fingers have webs?"
Of course, all new dads are scared...I guess that's just part of the experience, right? I'm thinking, "Jesus...I have all this credit card debt. I don't even own a car, or a home. I don't know what I'm going to do for money when my wife is out of work. And I'm supposed to be the provider? Holy crap."
But the reality is, I'm going to do the best I can. You won't know any better -- hell, you probably won't be smarter than me until you're well into your 20s, and I'll have built up enough life experience by that time that I'll seem smarter than you anyway. And you will respect me, dammit. No child of mine is going to go through life not respecting his damn parents.
So, who was your dad? Dammit, that's a stupid question. Who is anyone? I'm just another guy, trying to enjoy himself in this short time that he's schlepping around this rock. I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm probably less perfect than most people. I found my soul mate, and we decided to create you.
We were successful...lucky you.
The better question is, what did I want to be once I found out you existed? Well, here's how I feel now:
I will do everything in my power to make sure you have a great life. I will try my hardest...sacrifice every part of me...do whatever it takes to give you happiness (hee hee...penis), and make sure you stay happy. I might suck at it. You won't know, of course, because kids never know whether or not their parents suck at being parents until they're much older
Regardless, I'll try to be (objectively) the best dad possible. I'm not working with much, frankly. As we speak, I've got about $150.00 to my name. I mean, I've got a good job with health insurance and everything...but things are pretty tight right now. And you're due to pop into the world in about 6 months. Yikes.
Luckily for both of us you've got a terrific mom, and we work really well together. You've also got a great extended family, who will probably be very annoyed with me as they're reading this...talking about death, debt, and all that icky stuff. But the Rhoades' and Godwin's are all very sane people...especially your mom and I. So you won't have to worry about turning out mental because part of your genetic seed is faulty.
Though, hopefully, whether you're a boy or a girl, you end up with more of your mom's looks than mine. Or, at least, you're spared my overly broad nose, squinky eyes, and receding hairline. But there's nothing you can do to help that -- I mean, I've lived with those things, and I managed to attract a babe like your mother, so it's probably not nearly as bad as I make it out to be.
But more than anything, I hope you're happy. Content. All that. You don't need to be successful, or rich, or powerful, or famous, or any of those things people strive for. You don't have to achieve great things, or leave some kind of lasting impression on humanity. I just want you to enjoy yourself. Do things that make you proud. Things that interest you; excite you. And if you're doing something that makes you unhappy, knock it off and do something else.
I'll be chock full of wise wisdom like that...provided I don't die suddenly before you're carried to term. Because, even though I'm scared, feeling unworthy, and totally unprepared for your arrival...I'm really looking forward to it. It's one of those unselfish, rewarding parts of human nature that I want to experience. I think I can help raise you right. If, somehow, I failed? Well...I hope you can see that I tried with every ounce of my being, and gave you as good a shot as anyone out there.
Guess that's it. Did I answer your questions? Did you have anything else? Shoe size? Um. 11 1/2. College GPA? 3.3. Any other questions, I mean, about my personality or anything?
No? Okay, good. Good luck. And make me proud, dammit. As if I could ever not make me proud, you rad little bean.
Love,
Dad
Sorry. That was a bit blunt. You may have started reading thinking you were going to see a sweet, father-to-child letter that would bring some "aww's." Don't worry -- I might get there eventually. But I thought I should give some kind of rationale, while I'm thinking of it.
I'd say that's my #1 fear in life -- death. I always considered it a pretty rational fear, really. "Thanatophobia." Which is, apparently, a real thing.
But be not a-fear'd -- to the best of my knowledge I'm not dying, or in danger of dying any time soon. I'm a relatively healthy 31 year old male, with a proud family history of "longevity," to go along with a relatively healthy lifestyle.
However, I'm still preoccupied with my early demise. I ride my bike to work, often...and (don't tell Erika this, but) there are some times when I have a premonition the night before that I'm going to get into a horrible accident on my way in to work.
Of course, all thoughts of the premonition vanish when I'm on the road...and so far, my "future telling skills" are historically lousy. I've started to use it to the effect that I'll wish bad things upon people just so it won't happen to them.
But because of this, and because my wife is now about 10 weeks pregnant, my thanatophobia has been thrown into hyper-drive. Now I think, what if my kid never gets to meet me?
Macabre, I know. Sorry. Again, this might be me "wishing bad things upon myself" just so they won't happen. Bear with me.
Anyhow, to allay this fear...I thought I might write a letter to that little alien-looking mini-person...just so he or she could have some kind of idea what I was like, and what I would have been like if I hadn't died heroically, saving the life of dozens of orphans from a warehouse fire (because orphans love warehouses).
Okay. On with the madness.
Dear Bean,
That's what we called you, early on. The bean. Our little bean. Two little centimeters of human, growing inside of my wife. Or, at least you were the first time I saw you.
It probably doesn't mean much to you now. If you're old enough to be reading this, you're probably old enough to forget about all that crap that happened while you were in the womb. The placenta, the uterine lining, the umbilical cord, the muffled sound of the theme song to the show Top Chef...all a distant memory.
Who am I? Who was I? Well...I'm your father, dammit. Don't you ever forget that. Mom says to eat your vegetables, so do it, dammit. Listen to your mother.
Sorry. Truth?
First, I'll give you some history. To be frank, I had a bit of a different idea in mind when I thought about "me being a father." I thought what I wanted to do was bring a child into a perfect little world, where I owned a home, had no debt, and had enough money to cover a full college tuition to the "Ivy League University of your Choosing." I wanted to be making a bunch of money that I could give you so you wouldn't have to actually hold a job until you graduated college at 23.
But that wasn't reality. I have a hell of a time trying to save money, and I've never really been much for "stability." When I met your mother, I fell madly in love with her, and I believed that I owed it to humanity to bring a copy of her into the world.
Consequently, all my thoughts of this "perfect little world" fantasy met with my new reality. But, I mean, no parent is ever really ready to embark on this "child rearing" adventure, right? So, once the "let's make a baby" idea was proposed to me, I thought, "Yeah. Let's do it. Sounds like fun."
So we made you. You're probably not old enough yet to learn how we did it...but needless to say, it's one of the great perks of trying to have children. The process was, really, much easier than I thought it'd be. Two months of (really) inconsistent attempts and suddenly you blipped into existence. Heck, the ink was barely dry on my health insurance plan...if you'd come two months earlier, you would have been a really terrible financial burden.
Not that that's your fault, or anything. You're just a prune-sized glob of goo. In fact, I hear your baby teeth are just starting to form as I type...so congrats on that. I have grown-up teeth...which makes me better than you. Boom. How does that feel?
Sorry. So, who was your dad? I know, I haven't answered that yet. It's a good question.
Well I tell you, I have one hell of a dad (which means you've got one hell of a granddad). He's a guy that I deified, really...which means, I made him to be "God-like" (sorry, I'm going to use some big words here -- ask you mother what they mean if you're confused). In fact, he's such a great guy that I can't imagine being as great a dad as he was...and I find it hard to believe that one day you could be typing a letter to your unborn child where you're saying that you ever deified me.
Don't get me wrong. It'd be an honor. I'm just saying...it's hard for me to imagine.
Because, who was your dad? Again, I'm failing to answer the question. But, to be honest, it's a hell of a question.
I don't know who I am, really. You little bastard. Geez. Get off my back.
Sorry. I get angry sometimes.
I'm a guy who likes new paragraphs and sentence fragments.
Apparently.
Here's the truth: I'm scared. You're probably scared, too. You're all, "Where the hell am I? Why's it so dark? Why do my fingers have webs?"
Of course, all new dads are scared...I guess that's just part of the experience, right? I'm thinking, "Jesus...I have all this credit card debt. I don't even own a car, or a home. I don't know what I'm going to do for money when my wife is out of work. And I'm supposed to be the provider? Holy crap."
But the reality is, I'm going to do the best I can. You won't know any better -- hell, you probably won't be smarter than me until you're well into your 20s, and I'll have built up enough life experience by that time that I'll seem smarter than you anyway. And you will respect me, dammit. No child of mine is going to go through life not respecting his damn parents.
So, who was your dad? Dammit, that's a stupid question. Who is anyone? I'm just another guy, trying to enjoy himself in this short time that he's schlepping around this rock. I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm probably less perfect than most people. I found my soul mate, and we decided to create you.
We were successful...lucky you.
The better question is, what did I want to be once I found out you existed? Well, here's how I feel now:
I will do everything in my power to make sure you have a great life. I will try my hardest...sacrifice every part of me...do whatever it takes to give you happiness (hee hee...penis), and make sure you stay happy. I might suck at it. You won't know, of course, because kids never know whether or not their parents suck at being parents until they're much older
Regardless, I'll try to be (objectively) the best dad possible. I'm not working with much, frankly. As we speak, I've got about $150.00 to my name. I mean, I've got a good job with health insurance and everything...but things are pretty tight right now. And you're due to pop into the world in about 6 months. Yikes.
Luckily for both of us you've got a terrific mom, and we work really well together. You've also got a great extended family, who will probably be very annoyed with me as they're reading this...talking about death, debt, and all that icky stuff. But the Rhoades' and Godwin's are all very sane people...especially your mom and I. So you won't have to worry about turning out mental because part of your genetic seed is faulty.
Though, hopefully, whether you're a boy or a girl, you end up with more of your mom's looks than mine. Or, at least, you're spared my overly broad nose, squinky eyes, and receding hairline. But there's nothing you can do to help that -- I mean, I've lived with those things, and I managed to attract a babe like your mother, so it's probably not nearly as bad as I make it out to be.
But more than anything, I hope you're happy. Content. All that. You don't need to be successful, or rich, or powerful, or famous, or any of those things people strive for. You don't have to achieve great things, or leave some kind of lasting impression on humanity. I just want you to enjoy yourself. Do things that make you proud. Things that interest you; excite you. And if you're doing something that makes you unhappy, knock it off and do something else.
I'll be chock full of wise wisdom like that...provided I don't die suddenly before you're carried to term. Because, even though I'm scared, feeling unworthy, and totally unprepared for your arrival...I'm really looking forward to it. It's one of those unselfish, rewarding parts of human nature that I want to experience. I think I can help raise you right. If, somehow, I failed? Well...I hope you can see that I tried with every ounce of my being, and gave you as good a shot as anyone out there.
Guess that's it. Did I answer your questions? Did you have anything else? Shoe size? Um. 11 1/2. College GPA? 3.3. Any other questions, I mean, about my personality or anything?
No? Okay, good. Good luck. And make me proud, dammit. As if I could ever not make me proud, you rad little bean.
Love,
Dad
Thursday, July 15, 2010
FAQ
I've decided to write an FAQ. The only problem is, very few people actually ask me questions...and I'm not sure I've ever been asked the same question with anything that would qualify it as being "frequent" (though I have been getting the "Oh my God, is that a goiter?!" question quite a lot lately).
So FAQ might be a misleading title. It should be more like a "Stuff You Might Be Curious About Put in the Style of a Question and Answer Blog Post" (SYMBCAPSQABP) (prounounced "Sim-bee-cap-squab-puh)
Here goes:
So, Tyler, why did you start this blog?
Shut up. Next question.
What?
No. Seriously. Shut up.
Whoa, why are you being such a dick?
I'm not being a dick, I'm just being real with you, Mayor McCheese. And, honestly, for reals, I just want you to shut the hell up and leave me alone.
Jesus. Fine. I don't care about your stupid FAQ anyway.
Good. And that wasn't a question.
Well, last time I asked a question you just yelled at me, and told me to shut the hell up.
No I didn't.
Yes you did. It was, like, the first thing you said.
Was that me?
It was.
I don't remember that.
You can just re-read this blog post. "Shut up" was literally the first answer you gave.
Well I didn't say "shut the hell up." You're making it sound worse than it actually was.
You said that in the second question.
No I didn't.
I mean the third question. I was all like, "Man, why are you being such a dick?" Then you said something about Mayor McCheese, and you told me to shut the hell up.
Oh, you're right. Sorry about that.
Sorry?
Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've just been pretty stressed out lately.
Well, why did you decide to write an FAQ blog entry if you weren't in the mood to answer questions?
Is that pronounced "Fack?" Or "Eff-ay-cue?"
Are you asking me a question now?
Sounds like it.
Umm...I think it's "eff-ay-cue."
Cool. Thanks. Can I borrow your bold?
My bold?
Why do you keep repeating me?
I don't know...that's just what I do to express incredulity.
Well stop it. It's hack-y.
Sorry.
It's fine. So, can I?
Are you going to start asking me questions, then?
I don't know yet.
Well, okay. You can have it. But can I start using italics?
Whatever you want.
Okay, cool.
Um...but you aren't going to use bold as well as italic, are you?
I guess not.
Thanks. I mean, I'm not trying to come off as some kind of control freak or anything, but y'know...I am borrowing your bold, and it wouldn't make sense if we were both still writing bold.
No, I get it. It's fine.
Thanks for being so understanding.
Were you going to ask me questions, then?
I guess I could. Um, so, why'd you get into acting?
Stupid question. And I already answered that in, like, a two part post that no one read.
I read it.
That's because you wrote it, brainiac.
Fair enough. Does it bother you when no one reads your blog?
No.
Seriously?
Well, I'll tell you two things I don't like, and I try not to do. The first is, I try to avoid apologizing for "not writing more often." Because usually I'm not sorry...I'm just lazy. And I don't want to apologize for being lazy, because I'd be apologizing all the damn time...and that's just not my style. The second thing I try not to do is: I try not to comment on the fact that the stuff I'm writing is not being read by anyone...because that's not why I write here.
Wait, isn't that the whole point of a blog? To have people read it?
I guess so...but I never expect people to actually read this stuff. I can't tell if that's low self-esteem, or just me being realistic. But, it's not like I'm writing anything particularly groundbreaking, provocative, or even interesting. For example, just re-read this post.
Well, why don't you write about more interesting stuff?
Interesting stuff is boring. Next question.
I don't know what that-
NEXT QUESTION!!!
Look. Dude. This...this just isn't working out.
What's wrong?
Well, for starters, the "ctrl-b" and "ctrl-i" shortcuts are really annoying, and inconsistent. Like, for some reason, every time I hit enter, ctrl-b, then ctrl-i to cancel my bold writing, and start italicized writing, Blogspot just makes the type both bold and italic.
Like this?
Exactly.
What happens if you just leave it, and don't press ctrl-b or ctrl-i?
This happens. It stays bold.
That's really frustrating.
Tell me about it.
Well, should we just wrap up this FAQ, then? Because it doesn't feel like we really got anywhere...and those technical problems are just frustrating you.
Yeah, maybe we should just stop. I doubt anyone's going to read this anyway. Oops. I mean...um...I don't know if I want people to read this. Yeah. That's it.
Are you going to post this to Facebook?
Sure. I guess so. Why not?
I feel like this is just going to bore a bunch of people...and you don't even know all of your Facebook friends that well.
Well, if they're interested, they'll click on the link. If not, then they'll just ignore it.
Are you ever going to do a real FAQ?
Maybe. Let's see how well this one is received and we'll go from there. I could. I mean...I'm sure there are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long time who are actually interested in the stuff that's going on in my life. But that could just be me projecting...because I'm always interested in the stuff going on in other peoples' lives. Maybe no one's interested at all...which is fine. I don't hold that against them...I've never thought of myself as particularly interesting to begin with. Especially not to strangers, or to people that I only know a little bit, or that I don't talk to at all any more. And those are the only people who might actually want an FAQ. I mean, all of my close friends already know what's going on in my life.
Wow. That last part got pretty serious, and boring. I thought this was going to be another one of those things where you gave funny answers to survey questions. Like this. Or even this.
Maybe next time.
Hey, shouldn't you post a picture here? So that the little thumbnail will be something that will make people want to read this blog?
Like, a girl in a bikini or something?
No, then you'd just get a bunch of dudes reading this. Maybe you should post a shot of some guy's six-pack abs, or something.
Probably still get a bunch of dudes. You're friends with a lot of gay guys.
Good point. Well...maybe I can come up with something in-between. Something like this:
So FAQ might be a misleading title. It should be more like a "Stuff You Might Be Curious About Put in the Style of a Question and Answer Blog Post" (SYMBCAPSQABP) (prounounced "Sim-bee-cap-squab-puh)
Here goes:
So, Tyler, why did you start this blog?
Shut up. Next question.
What?
No. Seriously. Shut up.
Whoa, why are you being such a dick?
I'm not being a dick, I'm just being real with you, Mayor McCheese. And, honestly, for reals, I just want you to shut the hell up and leave me alone.
Jesus. Fine. I don't care about your stupid FAQ anyway.
Good. And that wasn't a question.
Well, last time I asked a question you just yelled at me, and told me to shut the hell up.
No I didn't.
Yes you did. It was, like, the first thing you said.
Was that me?
It was.
I don't remember that.
You can just re-read this blog post. "Shut up" was literally the first answer you gave.
Well I didn't say "shut the hell up." You're making it sound worse than it actually was.
You said that in the second question.
No I didn't.
I mean the third question. I was all like, "Man, why are you being such a dick?" Then you said something about Mayor McCheese, and you told me to shut the hell up.
Oh, you're right. Sorry about that.
Sorry?
Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've just been pretty stressed out lately.
Well, why did you decide to write an FAQ blog entry if you weren't in the mood to answer questions?
Is that pronounced "Fack?" Or "Eff-ay-cue?"
Are you asking me a question now?
Sounds like it.
Umm...I think it's "eff-ay-cue."
Cool. Thanks. Can I borrow your bold?
My bold?
Why do you keep repeating me?
I don't know...that's just what I do to express incredulity.
Well stop it. It's hack-y.
Sorry.
It's fine. So, can I?
Are you going to start asking me questions, then?
I don't know yet.
Well, okay. You can have it. But can I start using italics?
Whatever you want.
Okay, cool.
Um...but you aren't going to use bold as well as italic, are you?
I guess not.
Thanks. I mean, I'm not trying to come off as some kind of control freak or anything, but y'know...I am borrowing your bold, and it wouldn't make sense if we were both still writing bold.
No, I get it. It's fine.
Thanks for being so understanding.
Were you going to ask me questions, then?
I guess I could. Um, so, why'd you get into acting?
Stupid question. And I already answered that in, like, a two part post that no one read.
I read it.
That's because you wrote it, brainiac.
Fair enough. Does it bother you when no one reads your blog?
No.
Seriously?
Well, I'll tell you two things I don't like, and I try not to do. The first is, I try to avoid apologizing for "not writing more often." Because usually I'm not sorry...I'm just lazy. And I don't want to apologize for being lazy, because I'd be apologizing all the damn time...and that's just not my style. The second thing I try not to do is: I try not to comment on the fact that the stuff I'm writing is not being read by anyone...because that's not why I write here.
Wait, isn't that the whole point of a blog? To have people read it?
I guess so...but I never expect people to actually read this stuff. I can't tell if that's low self-esteem, or just me being realistic. But, it's not like I'm writing anything particularly groundbreaking, provocative, or even interesting. For example, just re-read this post.
Well, why don't you write about more interesting stuff?
Interesting stuff is boring. Next question.
I don't know what that-
NEXT QUESTION!!!
Look. Dude. This...this just isn't working out.
What's wrong?
Well, for starters, the "ctrl-b" and "ctrl-i" shortcuts are really annoying, and inconsistent. Like, for some reason, every time I hit enter, ctrl-b, then ctrl-i to cancel my bold writing, and start italicized writing, Blogspot just makes the type both bold and italic.
Like this?
Exactly.
What happens if you just leave it, and don't press ctrl-b or ctrl-i?
This happens. It stays bold.
That's really frustrating.
Tell me about it.
Well, should we just wrap up this FAQ, then? Because it doesn't feel like we really got anywhere...and those technical problems are just frustrating you.
Yeah, maybe we should just stop. I doubt anyone's going to read this anyway. Oops. I mean...um...I don't know if I want people to read this. Yeah. That's it.
Are you going to post this to Facebook?
Sure. I guess so. Why not?
I feel like this is just going to bore a bunch of people...and you don't even know all of your Facebook friends that well.
Well, if they're interested, they'll click on the link. If not, then they'll just ignore it.
Are you ever going to do a real FAQ?
Maybe. Let's see how well this one is received and we'll go from there. I could. I mean...I'm sure there are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long time who are actually interested in the stuff that's going on in my life. But that could just be me projecting...because I'm always interested in the stuff going on in other peoples' lives. Maybe no one's interested at all...which is fine. I don't hold that against them...I've never thought of myself as particularly interesting to begin with. Especially not to strangers, or to people that I only know a little bit, or that I don't talk to at all any more. And those are the only people who might actually want an FAQ. I mean, all of my close friends already know what's going on in my life.
Wow. That last part got pretty serious, and boring. I thought this was going to be another one of those things where you gave funny answers to survey questions. Like this. Or even this.
Maybe next time.
Hey, shouldn't you post a picture here? So that the little thumbnail will be something that will make people want to read this blog?
Like, a girl in a bikini or something?
No, then you'd just get a bunch of dudes reading this. Maybe you should post a shot of some guy's six-pack abs, or something.
Probably still get a bunch of dudes. You're friends with a lot of gay guys.
Good point. Well...maybe I can come up with something in-between. Something like this:
Monday, July 12, 2010
Piracy
I blame the RIAA.
Those are the geniuses who decided to start suing people who were "file sharing" music starting in 2003. They took hundreds of people to court. The vast majority of the defendants were totally and undeniably guilty of theft, but some of them were baffled, confused, and quite photogenic. Consequently, when the public thinks of online pirates, this is what they think of:
Those are all people that were all sued by the RIAA for "stealing music." And that lineup doesn't include the deceased grandmother, the family that didn't own a computer, the 12 year Brianna LaHara, and the 13 year old Brittany Chan.
These lawsuits were, in a word, "monumentally stupid."
It made the corporations (the ones spending all the money, and taking all the risks to produce this stuff) look like bullying assholes. It made Metallica (METALLICA!) look like a bunch of corporate shills. It made the layperson believe that software pirates were terrified single mothers, children, and the elderly.
But I have a secret. Here's what online pirates really look like:
Yarr.
Or, at least, that's how I picture them. They're actually (primarily) male, ranging in age between late 20s to early 40s. They're intelligent. Sophisticated. Incredibly well-organized. Usually foreign. And relentless.
To top it all off, they're also wealthy. Pirates make a lot of money doing this. A lot. Don't let the sob stories fool you. Don't think they're just providing some kind of free public service to "fight the man." The people running online piracy sites make a comfortable living, selling other peoples' creations. It's no different than a person walking into a store, stuffing a bunch of DVDs into their backpack, then walking out to the sidewalk and selling those DVDs for a dollar a piece. It's not noble. It's not "taking on money-hungry corporations." It's just straight-up stealing.
I mean, most people would never grab a DVD off of a store shelf and sneak it outside...but they'd be more than happy to watch a pirated movie online. The crime is no different...really. It's just more anonymous, and far less risky.
"But hang on a second, Tyler," you wail. "How could they possibly make money doing this? Doesn't it cost a lot of money to host these sites?"
I'm glad you asked that.
First off, any pirate site worth its salt does not host any videos. They post links that redirect you to video hosting sites (which are, a lot of the time, subscription-based...in addition to selling ad space).
But on top of that, any time you go to one of these pirate sites, you'll still get advertisements. These range from "kind of annoying" (pop-up ads and banners) to "pretty irritating" (non-skippable video ads, forced redirects) to "straight up dangerous" (adware, malware, viruses). Every site has them. And the more traffic they get, the more money they make. The more irritating the advertisement, the bigger the payout.
Consequently, these link sites encourage users to record and post movies (often without paying them a dime), while the admins sit back and collect any profit (paid to their anonymous PayPal accounts via the scammy advertising sites).
In fact, one of the major operators of these link sites is the Russian Business Network. This is a cyber-crime organization that takes the revenue earned from these pirate sites, and feeds it into child pornography, identity theft schemes, prostitution rings, the black market, and an army of malware scams. Essentially, when you go to a site run by the RBN, you're helping pay for all of these illegal activities.
And the infuriating thing for me is: these people have created nothing. They've contributed nothing. They've just set up a website, loaded it with ads and bullcrap, then pawned it off on the unwary public...because who wouldn't want to watch any movie or TV show ever filmed for free? When the RIAA filed all of their idiotic lawsuits, the pirates (and their proprietors) look like the victims! It's incredible.
"So," you snivel, "what can I do?"
Well, in spite of all my rantings, I won't ask you to stop watching pirated movies. It's a losing battle...I know...and I don't want to seem like a square. I get the appeal. Heck, I'd be lying to you if I told you I haven't ever downloaded something illegal.
But, there's stuff you can do. Little stuff, to encourage networks to start migrating their material online. For instance, if you're presented with the option -- take the legit one. Like, instead of watching Modern Family on some shitty pirate site, just go to Hulu and tolerate the 30 second ads (you can navigate away from the screen, check your e-mail, read my blog, etc.). I think you'd feel a lot better knowing that your money is going to the people who make the stuff you watch, and not this smug little foreign dude:
Problem?
This is especially true if you're an actor, writer, director, or someone who'd like to eventually make money doing something in the arts. That guy pictured above? He's not an artist. He's not Robin Hood. He's just a thief...a bushy-eyebrow'd thief.
And if you can afford it, just rent movies or go to the theater. There are so many good, inexpensive options out there now (like Netflix, On-Demand, etc.) that you shouldn't have to cry "poverty" every time there's something good you want to watch. Again, this is especially true for the aspiring professional artists out there.
But like I say...if you watch this stuff, I ain't mad atcha'. I was a lot like you...but I've recently come to the realization that I need to be a little bit less anarchic, and a little more responsible (must have happened when I turned 30). I think we're going to get to a very exciting point where every show ever made will be available to watch at any time, anywhere (for a monthly fee). If we let these pirates dictate the rules, then none of the money will get to the people who deserve it -- these are the actors, writers, directors, producers, and studios.
That little Russian dude up there? He shouldn't be getting jack squat...because he created nothing and risked nothing...so he deserves nothing.
Those are the geniuses who decided to start suing people who were "file sharing" music starting in 2003. They took hundreds of people to court. The vast majority of the defendants were totally and undeniably guilty of theft, but some of them were baffled, confused, and quite photogenic. Consequently, when the public thinks of online pirates, this is what they think of:
Those are all people that were all sued by the RIAA for "stealing music." And that lineup doesn't include the deceased grandmother, the family that didn't own a computer, the 12 year Brianna LaHara, and the 13 year old Brittany Chan.
These lawsuits were, in a word, "monumentally stupid."
It made the corporations (the ones spending all the money, and taking all the risks to produce this stuff) look like bullying assholes. It made Metallica (METALLICA!) look like a bunch of corporate shills. It made the layperson believe that software pirates were terrified single mothers, children, and the elderly.
But I have a secret. Here's what online pirates really look like:
Yarr.
Or, at least, that's how I picture them. They're actually (primarily) male, ranging in age between late 20s to early 40s. They're intelligent. Sophisticated. Incredibly well-organized. Usually foreign. And relentless.
To top it all off, they're also wealthy. Pirates make a lot of money doing this. A lot. Don't let the sob stories fool you. Don't think they're just providing some kind of free public service to "fight the man." The people running online piracy sites make a comfortable living, selling other peoples' creations. It's no different than a person walking into a store, stuffing a bunch of DVDs into their backpack, then walking out to the sidewalk and selling those DVDs for a dollar a piece. It's not noble. It's not "taking on money-hungry corporations." It's just straight-up stealing.
I mean, most people would never grab a DVD off of a store shelf and sneak it outside...but they'd be more than happy to watch a pirated movie online. The crime is no different...really. It's just more anonymous, and far less risky.
"But hang on a second, Tyler," you wail. "How could they possibly make money doing this? Doesn't it cost a lot of money to host these sites?"
I'm glad you asked that.
First off, any pirate site worth its salt does not host any videos. They post links that redirect you to video hosting sites (which are, a lot of the time, subscription-based...in addition to selling ad space).
But on top of that, any time you go to one of these pirate sites, you'll still get advertisements. These range from "kind of annoying" (pop-up ads and banners) to "pretty irritating" (non-skippable video ads, forced redirects) to "straight up dangerous" (adware, malware, viruses). Every site has them. And the more traffic they get, the more money they make. The more irritating the advertisement, the bigger the payout.
Consequently, these link sites encourage users to record and post movies (often without paying them a dime), while the admins sit back and collect any profit (paid to their anonymous PayPal accounts via the scammy advertising sites).
In fact, one of the major operators of these link sites is the Russian Business Network. This is a cyber-crime organization that takes the revenue earned from these pirate sites, and feeds it into child pornography, identity theft schemes, prostitution rings, the black market, and an army of malware scams. Essentially, when you go to a site run by the RBN, you're helping pay for all of these illegal activities.
And the infuriating thing for me is: these people have created nothing. They've contributed nothing. They've just set up a website, loaded it with ads and bullcrap, then pawned it off on the unwary public...because who wouldn't want to watch any movie or TV show ever filmed for free? When the RIAA filed all of their idiotic lawsuits, the pirates (and their proprietors) look like the victims! It's incredible.
"So," you snivel, "what can I do?"
Well, in spite of all my rantings, I won't ask you to stop watching pirated movies. It's a losing battle...I know...and I don't want to seem like a square. I get the appeal. Heck, I'd be lying to you if I told you I haven't ever downloaded something illegal.
But, there's stuff you can do. Little stuff, to encourage networks to start migrating their material online. For instance, if you're presented with the option -- take the legit one. Like, instead of watching Modern Family on some shitty pirate site, just go to Hulu and tolerate the 30 second ads (you can navigate away from the screen, check your e-mail, read my blog, etc.). I think you'd feel a lot better knowing that your money is going to the people who make the stuff you watch, and not this smug little foreign dude:
Problem?
This is especially true if you're an actor, writer, director, or someone who'd like to eventually make money doing something in the arts. That guy pictured above? He's not an artist. He's not Robin Hood. He's just a thief...a bushy-eyebrow'd thief.
And if you can afford it, just rent movies or go to the theater. There are so many good, inexpensive options out there now (like Netflix, On-Demand, etc.) that you shouldn't have to cry "poverty" every time there's something good you want to watch. Again, this is especially true for the aspiring professional artists out there.
But like I say...if you watch this stuff, I ain't mad atcha'. I was a lot like you...but I've recently come to the realization that I need to be a little bit less anarchic, and a little more responsible (must have happened when I turned 30). I think we're going to get to a very exciting point where every show ever made will be available to watch at any time, anywhere (for a monthly fee). If we let these pirates dictate the rules, then none of the money will get to the people who deserve it -- these are the actors, writers, directors, producers, and studios.
That little Russian dude up there? He shouldn't be getting jack squat...because he created nothing and risked nothing...so he deserves nothing.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Suck It, Travelocity: Part 2
(continued from PART 1)
Most of you who know me, know one thing -- I'm not good at talking. I'm a mumbling, self-conscious, confusing, painfully shy human being whenever I'm engaged in conversation. I share a cubicle wall with a woman who I've said, maybe, four words to since I started working here six months ago (those words were, most likely, "Oh," "Excuse me," and "Thanks"). I don't talk good, and those of you who disagree with that statement (my wife) are totally wrong.
However.
When I write, suddenly I'm Oscar "Frigging" Wilde (minus all of the "charm," "creativity" and "good writing ability"). I start using words so big that I have no idea how to spell them (thank Jehovah for those squiggly red lines underneath misspelled words). I start spinning complex analogies, referencing obscure historical figures, and demonstrating an easy knowledge of theories that have taken people years to comprehend.
I'll tell you a secret -- I'm not really smart. I just look all of this stuff up on Wikipedia as I'm typing, so it sounds like I'm speaking "off the cuff." In reality, each of these blog entries that takes, perhaps, 5 minutes to read takes me hours, sometimes days to write.
What's this got to do with Travelocity?
Well...I'll tell you.
The easy way to fix this would have been to actually "call" Travelocity. I want to say that I didn't do that because: "I didn't want to talk to another Indian dude, who couldn't possibly help me (or really understand my issue)." But, I think it was actually more because I'm afraid of hurting peoples' feelings. If I'm actually talking to someone, I feel like I want to apologize for being mean...on those rare occasions where I actually have to be mean.
So I did what any good coward would do when faced with this problem. I sent an e-mail. Most of it was grievances I already covered in Part 1...so I'll spare you the repetition and just skip to last paragraph:
[boring part edited out]
So, my question to you is this: why on earth would I ever use Travelocity again? Or recommend Travelocity to anyone I know? I mean, does this seem like a legitimate fee that I've been charged? At all? I seriously doubt that JetBlue "won't allow" Travelocity to use the lower fares to pay the "change" fee (as I was able to calculate the charges on JetBlue.com, and saw that the fare saving paid for the change fee). My guess is that the whole sum is just pocketed by Travelocity, which strikes me as horribly dishonest. No doubt these ridiculous, nonsensical fees are covered under the vagaries of the "General Policies" section of the confirmation e-mail, but in the interest of running a fair business, I would ask that you refund the $260.00 fee I was forced to pay to Travelocity for the change.
Not bad, eh? I used the word "vagaries," but I'm still not totally sure I used it right. Either way...here was the response I got back from Travelocity:
We understand your concern that you would like to make changes to your reservation to without any charges. [ed: a comma would have helped there, methinks...also got a little "to" happy] We know that fees and penalty restrictions are unpleasant, but we need to uphold them.
Please note that these policies are laid by the airlines and we as a travel agency need to follow them. The maximum amount of the reissue fee plus any difference in the fare is charged by the airline. Travelocity only charges $ 30.00 as an exchange fee.
Again I do apologize for the frustration this has caused and hope that you will understand our situation.
Sincerely,
Ryan T
Travelocity Customer Care
Gauging from the response...I don't think Ryan T actually read my e-mail. He saw that I had a "complaint about change fees," looked up Travelocity's JetBlue change policy interpretation, and sent a template response meant to pacify the "stupidly outraged" and "easily pacified."
Of course, nowhere did I request a "change to my reservation to without any charges." And, the policies that are being enforced by Travelocity are not "laid by the airlines" (hee hee...laid...). Ryan was using all the right words, but they had nothing to do with my e-mail.
My guess? Ryan looks a lot like this dude:
So, I wrote back:
On the contrary, the inability to use the difference between the fares on 4/7 and 5/11 ($103.00) to pay the change fee is not "laid by the airline." JetBlue policy explicitly allows customers to use a difference in fare to pay the fee for changing dates. I highly doubt that JetBlue holds your travel agency to a different standard than it does its customers, which leads me to the conclusion that this fee policy is Travelocity's, not JetBlue's.
In fact, I will quote JetBlue's policy on this: "For JetBlue Nonrefundable Fares, changes or cancellations may be made prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $100 per person plus any applicable difference in airfare. Any remaining balance will be placed in a JetBlue air-only credit and may be applied toward future travel for one year from date of issuance."
There is nothing in the JetBlue policy about a "negative difference" being forfeited. Quite the opposite; there is a specific stipulation addressing that eventuality, where the difference is paid out via "air-only credit." The Travelocity customer service representative I spoke with said that they are "not allowed" to use the difference to pay the change fee, but that is demonstrably false. Forfeiting the difference is not covered anywhere in the Travelocity "General Guidelines" which claim to be only applying airline policy to the fees it charges.
Which is to say that your response is insufficient. Travelocity is not following airline policy, unless there's a different set of rules for travel agencies than there are for customers (there aren't). But the more important question is: how is Travelocity acting in good faith? I am not calling the $30 per-person into question, as that is covered by policy. I'm calling the $206 I was erroneously charged by Travelocity into question, since they applied the JetBlue fight date change guidelines incorrectly. I would again ask to be refunded the erroneous fee that was charged.
Please note my use of the words "erroneous" and "demonstrably," which I probably used incorrectly. Oh well. As I say, I'm not a word-smith...I'm more of a "word-parrot;" I have no idea what the frick I'm saying. Also, I was originally calling the $30 fee into question...but that was more of a "start high" negotiating tactic than anything else.
But, either way, it was "pearls before swine" again (even if they were cheap, $0.99 imitation pearls), because here was the response I got:
We understand your disappointment with the advised reissue charges.
As advised to you in our previous email, please note that he reissue fees as advised to you are as per the airlines policies and we are unable to change the same. [ed: I've read that sentence, maybe, a dozen times...I still have no idea what he was trying to say] The tickets are issued by the airlines and the change fees are applicable as per the fare rules of your tickets. The airlines change fees of $100.00 and the fare difference is charged by the airlines and we only charge you $30.00 service fees.
We once again apologize for your disappointment and appreciate your understanding.
Sincerely,
Steven T
Travelocity Customer Care
Awesome. My guess: Steven is a total moron. But that's just a guess -- I wouldn't want to libel anyone (yes, I just looked up "libel" to make sure I could use it as a verb -- I can, damn you). I mean...was he really just apologizing for my disappointment? Really? What does that even mean? Shouldn't they be apologizing for "disappointing me?" That's like hitting someone with your car, and apologizing for their broken leg...not for hitting them with your damn car. It's also how dumb people sound when they're trying to sound smart.
My guess? Steven looks something like this:
Needless to say, Steven "Da' Moron" T. really got my goat. So, I wrote one final missive...and if I got another stupid non-response, I was going to actually pick up a phone and call someone. Yep...they'd angered me out of my anti-social terror.
With my newest letter, I thought I'd try a different tack -- because dumb people seem to understand analogies best, I lead off with that:
Let me see if I can use an analogy in order to help you understand what I'm saying...because I don't believe that you have demonstrated any understanding of the basis of my complaint. So, here is my analogy:
I hire a plumber to install my kitchen sink. He does so, and charges me $400. Once the sink is installed, I decide that I don't like the color of the faucet, and ask the plumber to exchange the "bronze" for the "chrome." He does so, but informs me he will charge me $30 for re-installation, plus whatever the hardware store charges for exchanges. He shows up the next day and installs the new chrome faucet, telling me that the hardware store charged him $100 for the exchange...which I must now pay to him. This confuses me, so the next day I go to that same hardware store and ask an employee how much they charge for exchanges. The employee at the hardware store tells me that they would not charge in my case, since I exchanged the expensive bronze faucet for the much less expensive chrome faucet. This means that the plumber...
A) Told the truth, and the hardware store only charges plumbers for exchanges.
B) Committed fraud, and pocketed the $100.00 that he charged me.
Does that make sense? I went to the hardware store (JetBlue) and asked them about their exchange policy (date change policy). I was told that they wouldn't charge me. Is Travelocity committing fraud? Or does JetBlue hold travel agencies to a different standard?
Because, regarding JetBlue policy, I want to be absolutely clear here: if the fare for the new date of departure is more than $100 cheaper than the fare for the date of the original departure, there is no charge from JetBlue to change a flight date. I've now been told by two different Travelocity employees that this $100 charge is "per airlines policy," but that is simply not true. And having one, two, three, or thirty Travelocity employees tell me the same thing will not make it any more true.
So forgive me while I repeat myself, but I feel I must do so until you acknowledge this fact: if the fare on the new date is more than $100 cheaper than the cost of the fare on the original booking date, JetBlue does not charge its customers to change the date of a flight.
Here is why this is a big deal. Customers go to travel agent sites to receive better pricing, and deals on travel packages. But, in this instance, instead of getting a better deal, I've been punished (to the tune of $266) for using Travelocity. If I had just booked this deal through JetBlue.com, I would have that $260, plus an additional $6 credit that I could use for future travel (if only plane tickets in the future could somehow cost $5.99...dare to dream). Essentially, my choice to book the flight through Travelocity cost me $266.
And please, this has nothing to do with "disappointment," so stop using that word. It's more "confusion," "disbelief," and quite a bit of "frustration." I don't want platitudes. I don't want apologies. And I don't want to have another response from Travelocity wherein you just repeat the falsehood that the "$100 charge came from the airline." It didn't, and it doesn't. I want that $200 charge refunded. And if you continue to refuse my request, I want you to show me exactly where in the JetBlue "date change" policy you are seeing the claim that a customer must forfeit the difference in ticket prices in the event of a date change. Or else admit that this $100 charge is not JetBlue policy, but, rather, a fraudulent attempt by Travelocity to exact a fee, shrugging off responsibility by repeating the falsehood that the charge came from the airline.
I didn't hear back from Travelocity for a couple of days. I figured they were just giving me the ol' brush-off. Like, "Well, we already dealt with this guy. He's obviously crazy. If we ignore him, he'll just go away eventually."
So I wrote to JetBlue, trying to find out if, maybe, I was wrong about my understanding of their change policy. I got a pleasant response the next day.
Thank you for contacting JetBlue Airways regarding your JetBlue Reservation. We appreciate the opportunity to respond.
Yes, there is a $100 change fee per person if you choose to change to a different date. If the fare is lower, example $100 then you would break even.
Regards,
Carolyn
Customer Commitment Crew
JetBlue Airways Crewmember 92321
Nice. I betcha' Carolyn looks something like this:
So I was on the brink of actually "calling" when, to my total surprise, I heard back from Travelocity. This was someone with a couple of brain cells to rub together. Someone who can actually read. A guy who got to is allowed to put the word "Supervisor" in parenthesis by his signature. Maybe it was my analogy. Maybe it was my persistence. Maybe I just got lucky. Either way, here's what I heard back from the lovely little gnome-humpers:
Please note that as your ticket fare Jet Blue does not authorize us to refund the balance credit of $103.00 per passenger. We contacted Jet Blue and refuse to provide any authorization to issue a voucher. Jet Blue do not provide such option to travel agencies.
However, we appreciate your business and hope you will come back to Travelocity. To assist in your future travel plans, we are offering you a Future Trip Discount off the purchase of a TotalTrip package or GoodBuy Hotel stay on Travelocity, within 1 year of date of issue of the Code subject to the Terms and Conditions shown below.
[details edited out, you silly bastards -- this is my code, not yours]
Sincerely,
Spencer T (Supervisor) Travelocity Customer Service
So good wins out over evil, I suppose. Or...at least...good gets about 40% of his wasted money refunded. I guess that's a victory. Still, even though Spencer grudgingly gave up the travel discount voucher, he had to get in a silly "Please note" dig. Seems he was under the impression that the $103.00 was in the form of a "travel voucher," as opposed to a "fee discount."
But...either way...I guess I got some of my money back, compliments of a dude who probably looks like this:
And now it seems that they've forced me to come back, and redeem my silly little "voucher" through their agency. Well...damn it all. Rest assured, I'll never be using any of these frigging websites ever again. And take this as a lesson, all. Stay away. Far away. Don't let the gnome tempt you -- it's all a lie.
Most of you who know me, know one thing -- I'm not good at talking. I'm a mumbling, self-conscious, confusing, painfully shy human being whenever I'm engaged in conversation. I share a cubicle wall with a woman who I've said, maybe, four words to since I started working here six months ago (those words were, most likely, "Oh," "Excuse me," and "Thanks"). I don't talk good, and those of you who disagree with that statement (my wife) are totally wrong.
However.
When I write, suddenly I'm Oscar "Frigging" Wilde (minus all of the "charm," "creativity" and "good writing ability"). I start using words so big that I have no idea how to spell them (thank Jehovah for those squiggly red lines underneath misspelled words). I start spinning complex analogies, referencing obscure historical figures, and demonstrating an easy knowledge of theories that have taken people years to comprehend.
I'll tell you a secret -- I'm not really smart. I just look all of this stuff up on Wikipedia as I'm typing, so it sounds like I'm speaking "off the cuff." In reality, each of these blog entries that takes, perhaps, 5 minutes to read takes me hours, sometimes days to write.
What's this got to do with Travelocity?
Well...I'll tell you.
The easy way to fix this would have been to actually "call" Travelocity. I want to say that I didn't do that because: "I didn't want to talk to another Indian dude, who couldn't possibly help me (or really understand my issue)." But, I think it was actually more because I'm afraid of hurting peoples' feelings. If I'm actually talking to someone, I feel like I want to apologize for being mean...on those rare occasions where I actually have to be mean.
So I did what any good coward would do when faced with this problem. I sent an e-mail. Most of it was grievances I already covered in Part 1...so I'll spare you the repetition and just skip to last paragraph:
[boring part edited out]
So, my question to you is this: why on earth would I ever use Travelocity again? Or recommend Travelocity to anyone I know? I mean, does this seem like a legitimate fee that I've been charged? At all? I seriously doubt that JetBlue "won't allow" Travelocity to use the lower fares to pay the "change" fee (as I was able to calculate the charges on JetBlue.com, and saw that the fare saving paid for the change fee). My guess is that the whole sum is just pocketed by Travelocity, which strikes me as horribly dishonest. No doubt these ridiculous, nonsensical fees are covered under the vagaries of the "General Policies" section of the confirmation e-mail, but in the interest of running a fair business, I would ask that you refund the $260.00 fee I was forced to pay to Travelocity for the change.
Not bad, eh? I used the word "vagaries," but I'm still not totally sure I used it right. Either way...here was the response I got back from Travelocity:
We understand your concern that you would like to make changes to your reservation to without any charges. [ed: a comma would have helped there, methinks...also got a little "to" happy] We know that fees and penalty restrictions are unpleasant, but we need to uphold them.
Please note that these policies are laid by the airlines and we as a travel agency need to follow them. The maximum amount of the reissue fee plus any difference in the fare is charged by the airline. Travelocity only charges $ 30.00 as an exchange fee.
Again I do apologize for the frustration this has caused and hope that you will understand our situation.
Sincerely,
Ryan T
Travelocity Customer Care
Gauging from the response...I don't think Ryan T actually read my e-mail. He saw that I had a "complaint about change fees," looked up Travelocity's JetBlue change policy interpretation, and sent a template response meant to pacify the "stupidly outraged" and "easily pacified."
Of course, nowhere did I request a "change to my reservation to without any charges." And, the policies that are being enforced by Travelocity are not "laid by the airlines" (hee hee...laid...). Ryan was using all the right words, but they had nothing to do with my e-mail.
My guess? Ryan looks a lot like this dude:
So, I wrote back:
On the contrary, the inability to use the difference between the fares on 4/7 and 5/11 ($103.00) to pay the change fee is not "laid by the airline." JetBlue policy explicitly allows customers to use a difference in fare to pay the fee for changing dates. I highly doubt that JetBlue holds your travel agency to a different standard than it does its customers, which leads me to the conclusion that this fee policy is Travelocity's, not JetBlue's.
In fact, I will quote JetBlue's policy on this: "For JetBlue Nonrefundable Fares, changes or cancellations may be made prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $100 per person plus any applicable difference in airfare. Any remaining balance will be placed in a JetBlue air-only credit and may be applied toward future travel for one year from date of issuance."
There is nothing in the JetBlue policy about a "negative difference" being forfeited. Quite the opposite; there is a specific stipulation addressing that eventuality, where the difference is paid out via "air-only credit." The Travelocity customer service representative I spoke with said that they are "not allowed" to use the difference to pay the change fee, but that is demonstrably false. Forfeiting the difference is not covered anywhere in the Travelocity "General Guidelines" which claim to be only applying airline policy to the fees it charges.
Which is to say that your response is insufficient. Travelocity is not following airline policy, unless there's a different set of rules for travel agencies than there are for customers (there aren't). But the more important question is: how is Travelocity acting in good faith? I am not calling the $30 per-person into question, as that is covered by policy. I'm calling the $206 I was erroneously charged by Travelocity into question, since they applied the JetBlue fight date change guidelines incorrectly. I would again ask to be refunded the erroneous fee that was charged.
Please note my use of the words "erroneous" and "demonstrably," which I probably used incorrectly. Oh well. As I say, I'm not a word-smith...I'm more of a "word-parrot;" I have no idea what the frick I'm saying. Also, I was originally calling the $30 fee into question...but that was more of a "start high" negotiating tactic than anything else.
But, either way, it was "pearls before swine" again (even if they were cheap, $0.99 imitation pearls), because here was the response I got:
We understand your disappointment with the advised reissue charges.
As advised to you in our previous email, please note that he reissue fees as advised to you are as per the airlines policies and we are unable to change the same. [ed: I've read that sentence, maybe, a dozen times...I still have no idea what he was trying to say] The tickets are issued by the airlines and the change fees are applicable as per the fare rules of your tickets. The airlines change fees of $100.00 and the fare difference is charged by the airlines and we only charge you $30.00 service fees.
We once again apologize for your disappointment and appreciate your understanding.
Sincerely,
Steven T
Travelocity Customer Care
Awesome. My guess: Steven is a total moron. But that's just a guess -- I wouldn't want to libel anyone (yes, I just looked up "libel" to make sure I could use it as a verb -- I can, damn you). I mean...was he really just apologizing for my disappointment? Really? What does that even mean? Shouldn't they be apologizing for "disappointing me?" That's like hitting someone with your car, and apologizing for their broken leg...not for hitting them with your damn car. It's also how dumb people sound when they're trying to sound smart.
My guess? Steven looks something like this:
Needless to say, Steven "Da' Moron" T. really got my goat. So, I wrote one final missive...and if I got another stupid non-response, I was going to actually pick up a phone and call someone. Yep...they'd angered me out of my anti-social terror.
With my newest letter, I thought I'd try a different tack -- because dumb people seem to understand analogies best, I lead off with that:
Let me see if I can use an analogy in order to help you understand what I'm saying...because I don't believe that you have demonstrated any understanding of the basis of my complaint. So, here is my analogy:
I hire a plumber to install my kitchen sink. He does so, and charges me $400. Once the sink is installed, I decide that I don't like the color of the faucet, and ask the plumber to exchange the "bronze" for the "chrome." He does so, but informs me he will charge me $30 for re-installation, plus whatever the hardware store charges for exchanges. He shows up the next day and installs the new chrome faucet, telling me that the hardware store charged him $100 for the exchange...which I must now pay to him. This confuses me, so the next day I go to that same hardware store and ask an employee how much they charge for exchanges. The employee at the hardware store tells me that they would not charge in my case, since I exchanged the expensive bronze faucet for the much less expensive chrome faucet. This means that the plumber...
A) Told the truth, and the hardware store only charges plumbers for exchanges.
B) Committed fraud, and pocketed the $100.00 that he charged me.
Does that make sense? I went to the hardware store (JetBlue) and asked them about their exchange policy (date change policy). I was told that they wouldn't charge me. Is Travelocity committing fraud? Or does JetBlue hold travel agencies to a different standard?
Because, regarding JetBlue policy, I want to be absolutely clear here: if the fare for the new date of departure is more than $100 cheaper than the fare for the date of the original departure, there is no charge from JetBlue to change a flight date. I've now been told by two different Travelocity employees that this $100 charge is "per airlines policy," but that is simply not true. And having one, two, three, or thirty Travelocity employees tell me the same thing will not make it any more true.
So forgive me while I repeat myself, but I feel I must do so until you acknowledge this fact: if the fare on the new date is more than $100 cheaper than the cost of the fare on the original booking date, JetBlue does not charge its customers to change the date of a flight.
Here is why this is a big deal. Customers go to travel agent sites to receive better pricing, and deals on travel packages. But, in this instance, instead of getting a better deal, I've been punished (to the tune of $266) for using Travelocity. If I had just booked this deal through JetBlue.com, I would have that $260, plus an additional $6 credit that I could use for future travel (if only plane tickets in the future could somehow cost $5.99...dare to dream). Essentially, my choice to book the flight through Travelocity cost me $266.
And please, this has nothing to do with "disappointment," so stop using that word. It's more "confusion," "disbelief," and quite a bit of "frustration." I don't want platitudes. I don't want apologies. And I don't want to have another response from Travelocity wherein you just repeat the falsehood that the "$100 charge came from the airline." It didn't, and it doesn't. I want that $200 charge refunded. And if you continue to refuse my request, I want you to show me exactly where in the JetBlue "date change" policy you are seeing the claim that a customer must forfeit the difference in ticket prices in the event of a date change. Or else admit that this $100 charge is not JetBlue policy, but, rather, a fraudulent attempt by Travelocity to exact a fee, shrugging off responsibility by repeating the falsehood that the charge came from the airline.
I didn't hear back from Travelocity for a couple of days. I figured they were just giving me the ol' brush-off. Like, "Well, we already dealt with this guy. He's obviously crazy. If we ignore him, he'll just go away eventually."
So I wrote to JetBlue, trying to find out if, maybe, I was wrong about my understanding of their change policy. I got a pleasant response the next day.
Thank you for contacting JetBlue Airways regarding your JetBlue Reservation. We appreciate the opportunity to respond.
Yes, there is a $100 change fee per person if you choose to change to a different date. If the fare is lower, example $100 then you would break even.
Regards,
Carolyn
Customer Commitment Crew
JetBlue Airways Crewmember 92321
Nice. I betcha' Carolyn looks something like this:
So I was on the brink of actually "calling" when, to my total surprise, I heard back from Travelocity. This was someone with a couple of brain cells to rub together. Someone who can actually read. A guy who got to is allowed to put the word "Supervisor" in parenthesis by his signature. Maybe it was my analogy. Maybe it was my persistence. Maybe I just got lucky. Either way, here's what I heard back from the lovely little gnome-humpers:
Please note that as your ticket fare Jet Blue does not authorize us to refund the balance credit of $103.00 per passenger. We contacted Jet Blue and refuse to provide any authorization to issue a voucher. Jet Blue do not provide such option to travel agencies.
However, we appreciate your business and hope you will come back to Travelocity. To assist in your future travel plans, we are offering you a Future Trip Discount off the purchase of a TotalTrip package or GoodBuy Hotel stay on Travelocity, within 1 year of date of issue of the Code subject to the Terms and Conditions shown below.
[details edited out, you silly bastards -- this is my code, not yours]
Sincerely,
Spencer T (Supervisor) Travelocity Customer Service
So good wins out over evil, I suppose. Or...at least...good gets about 40% of his wasted money refunded. I guess that's a victory. Still, even though Spencer grudgingly gave up the travel discount voucher, he had to get in a silly "Please note" dig. Seems he was under the impression that the $103.00 was in the form of a "travel voucher," as opposed to a "fee discount."
But...either way...I guess I got some of my money back, compliments of a dude who probably looks like this:
And now it seems that they've forced me to come back, and redeem my silly little "voucher" through their agency. Well...damn it all. Rest assured, I'll never be using any of these frigging websites ever again. And take this as a lesson, all. Stay away. Far away. Don't let the gnome tempt you -- it's all a lie.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Two Sides of a Double-Headed Coin
I appreciate honesty. I do. I think it's become one of my most favorite things. I read something interesting a couple of months ago, that (for some reason) stuck with me.
I decided that I wanted to learn a little bit about the Persian Empire (specifically the Achaemenid Empire). This was mostly because the movie 300 made Persians look totally retarded, and I hate it when civilizations get pissed on for the sake of "story" (sorry Braveheart & The Patriot's England). This is partly because...lost in our weirdo Western way of thinking, this gigantic, dynastic empire with millions of citizens, and a crap-load of scientific advancements, military conquests, and cultural richness has been reduced to a cliche of the "invading alien race" for the Greeks to fight off.
So, to set the record straight, I decided to learn abou
t them the best way I know how -- I looked them up on Wikipedia. Remember when people used to have to "read books" to learn stuff? Aw...poor fools... Anyway, what I took away from my comprehensive, 10 minute spin through almost 2000 years of ancient Persian history is that they frigging loved the honesty. Herodotus, the guy who invented the sandwich, wrote that Persian youths, from their fifth year to their twentieth year, were instructed in three things - to ride a horse, to draw a bow, and to speak the Truth. Lying was a cardinal sin, punishable by death in some cases. Pretty neat...because, I don't know about all y'all, but I hate lies, and people who put on airs.
What does that mean? To "put on airs?" Oh. I see. "Airs" is another word for "assumed manner, affected appearance." Boy, is clicking on links in MySpace annoying, or what?
But, like I was saying, I don't like braggarts and liars. And my chosen profession is chock full of them kinds of people. But, part of me understands it. I can see how it happens. In my adorably hypocritical way, I've realized that there are two versions of "my career." And I will lay them out to you now:
Yeah, things are actually going pretty well for me right now. I'm doing two shows at the Will Geer Theatre (it's an Equity house); Cymbeline and The Cherry Orchard. We've been getting really great press, including rave reviews from the Los Angeles Times, and the LA Weekly. Once I'm done here, I'll finally got enough points to join Actors Equity, and will be doing that before the end of the year. Aside from acting, I've finished the first draft of a great screenplay, and I'm planning on shopping it around town -- see if I can get any bites. I've got several film projects coming up in the next couple of months that I'm pretty stoked about, and I've had a ton of auditions for little films and commercials all over Hollywood. I'm really getting into the "short" format, which is going to be pretty huge for online distribution. In fact, this short film that I wrote is most likely going to be showing in a local film festival in the near future. All told, I've been working solidly for a year and a half as an actor, and only as an actor. In that time, I've managed to book a couple of commercials, and some short films; I even had lines on a cable TV show. I've got an agent who's sent me out for a couple of national commercials this year, I've got good headshot, and I'm making tons of connections. It feels like I'm finally making some serious headway down here.
Well, things have been better, to tell you the truth. I'm doing two plays in Topanga right now, but they're both small parts, and I'm basically working for free for the whole summer -- odds are I'll wind up losing money in the long run due to gasoline and other expenses. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing opportunity. I'm incredibly grateful to be working there...and I'm accruing enough points to join Equity...but it's been hard to make ends meet during the rehearsal process. I've finished a screenplay, but I'm the only one who's actually seen the entire thing...and I'm deathly afraid that it's probably mediocre...at best. Hopefully I'll be acting in a couple of little "short films" for friends that will get posted to YouTube at some point, but there are no definite filming dates, and these things tend to get delayed...indefinitely. I hope not...but, it's out of my hands. I've shot two commercials -- one that was shown in Ireland, and a local spot that hasn't aired yet. I haven't even managed to get myself cast in a student film (in spite of about a dozen auditions), much less a tiny independent film with an actual casting director, and much much less a paying role with a network or movie studio. I did appear on a deep cable show, but that was really just non-union background work -- they gave me a line to say during the taping, but it's not like it was a real role, from an audition. It was just something tossed off to an extra, who just happened to be in the vicinity. Now, I do have an agent, and I'm very fond of my agent, but his office has managed to send me out on a grand total of 2 auditions in the last 6 months. It's not his fault, of course, because I'm not in SAG, and I haven't been doing nearly enough casting workshops to get my name around town...but it's still discouraging. My acting mostly consists of background work, but I've been having a hard time even finding work in that field...and when I do, it's barely enough to pay bills, much less meet any other "actor" expenses. To be totally honest, I haven't done anything really noteworthy up to this point, and I'm no closer to getting cast on a real movie or television show than I was when I first moved down here. I'll be 30 years old in a month, and kids 5 years younger than me are booking pilots, national commercials, guest star roles...all that. And here I am, struggling to be a "Non-Descript Street Background" on the TV Show "24." A lot of the time, I don't really feel like an actor, and I think...good Lord...maybe I'm just not as good as I think I am...?
Sorry, I got carried away with that "bad Tyler" paragraph a little bit, I think. Too long, Rhoades. But the thing is, really, both of those paragraphs are what I consider to be "honest" (what would Xerxes do...?). Sometimes I feel like #1, sometimes I feel like #2. Heck...I wish I were the kind of person who lived in paragraph #1 all the time...but I'm not. I'm far too critical of any success I may achieve to be able to revel in it for too long without feeling like an egotist. But I try. I try to stay positive. I want to believe that good things will come for me, that I'm destined for acting greatness. But...man...it's tough to keep those rose-colored glasses so rosy sometimes...especially in lean times like this. But, like I say, I'll try, dammit. I'll try...
I decided that I wanted to learn a little bit about the Persian Empire (specifically the Achaemenid Empire). This was mostly because the movie 300 made Persians look totally retarded, and I hate it when civilizations get pissed on for the sake of "story" (sorry Braveheart & The Patriot's England). This is partly because...lost in our weirdo Western way of thinking, this gigantic, dynastic empire with millions of citizens, and a crap-load of scientific advancements, military conquests, and cultural richness has been reduced to a cliche of the "invading alien race" for the Greeks to fight off.
So, to set the record straight, I decided to learn abou
t them the best way I know how -- I looked them up on Wikipedia. Remember when people used to have to "read books" to learn stuff? Aw...poor fools... Anyway, what I took away from my comprehensive, 10 minute spin through almost 2000 years of ancient Persian history is that they frigging loved the honesty. Herodotus, the guy who invented the sandwich, wrote that Persian youths, from their fifth year to their twentieth year, were instructed in three things - to ride a horse, to draw a bow, and to speak the Truth. Lying was a cardinal sin, punishable by death in some cases. Pretty neat...because, I don't know about all y'all, but I hate lies, and people who put on airs.What does that mean? To "put on airs?" Oh. I see. "Airs" is another word for "assumed manner, affected appearance." Boy, is clicking on links in MySpace annoying, or what?
But, like I was saying, I don't like braggarts and liars. And my chosen profession is chock full of them kinds of people. But, part of me understands it. I can see how it happens. In my adorably hypocritical way, I've realized that there are two versions of "my career." And I will lay them out to you now:
Yeah, things are actually going pretty well for me right now. I'm doing two shows at the Will Geer Theatre (it's an Equity house); Cymbeline and The Cherry Orchard. We've been getting really great press, including rave reviews from the Los Angeles Times, and the LA Weekly. Once I'm done here, I'll finally got enough points to join Actors Equity, and will be doing that before the end of the year. Aside from acting, I've finished the first draft of a great screenplay, and I'm planning on shopping it around town -- see if I can get any bites. I've got several film projects coming up in the next couple of months that I'm pretty stoked about, and I've had a ton of auditions for little films and commercials all over Hollywood. I'm really getting into the "short" format, which is going to be pretty huge for online distribution. In fact, this short film that I wrote is most likely going to be showing in a local film festival in the near future. All told, I've been working solidly for a year and a half as an actor, and only as an actor. In that time, I've managed to book a couple of commercials, and some short films; I even had lines on a cable TV show. I've got an agent who's sent me out for a couple of national commercials this year, I've got good headshot, and I'm making tons of connections. It feels like I'm finally making some serious headway down here.
Well, things have been better, to tell you the truth. I'm doing two plays in Topanga right now, but they're both small parts, and I'm basically working for free for the whole summer -- odds are I'll wind up losing money in the long run due to gasoline and other expenses. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing opportunity. I'm incredibly grateful to be working there...and I'm accruing enough points to join Equity...but it's been hard to make ends meet during the rehearsal process. I've finished a screenplay, but I'm the only one who's actually seen the entire thing...and I'm deathly afraid that it's probably mediocre...at best. Hopefully I'll be acting in a couple of little "short films" for friends that will get posted to YouTube at some point, but there are no definite filming dates, and these things tend to get delayed...indefinitely. I hope not...but, it's out of my hands. I've shot two commercials -- one that was shown in Ireland, and a local spot that hasn't aired yet. I haven't even managed to get myself cast in a student film (in spite of about a dozen auditions), much less a tiny independent film with an actual casting director, and much much less a paying role with a network or movie studio. I did appear on a deep cable show, but that was really just non-union background work -- they gave me a line to say during the taping, but it's not like it was a real role, from an audition. It was just something tossed off to an extra, who just happened to be in the vicinity. Now, I do have an agent, and I'm very fond of my agent, but his office has managed to send me out on a grand total of 2 auditions in the last 6 months. It's not his fault, of course, because I'm not in SAG, and I haven't been doing nearly enough casting workshops to get my name around town...but it's still discouraging. My acting mostly consists of background work, but I've been having a hard time even finding work in that field...and when I do, it's barely enough to pay bills, much less meet any other "actor" expenses. To be totally honest, I haven't done anything really noteworthy up to this point, and I'm no closer to getting cast on a real movie or television show than I was when I first moved down here. I'll be 30 years old in a month, and kids 5 years younger than me are booking pilots, national commercials, guest star roles...all that. And here I am, struggling to be a "Non-Descript Street Background" on the TV Show "24." A lot of the time, I don't really feel like an actor, and I think...good Lord...maybe I'm just not as good as I think I am...?
Sorry, I got carried away with that "bad Tyler" paragraph a little bit, I think. Too long, Rhoades. But the thing is, really, both of those paragraphs are what I consider to be "honest" (what would Xerxes do...?). Sometimes I feel like #1, sometimes I feel like #2. Heck...I wish I were the kind of person who lived in paragraph #1 all the time...but I'm not. I'm far too critical of any success I may achieve to be able to revel in it for too long without feeling like an egotist. But I try. I try to stay positive. I want to believe that good things will come for me, that I'm destined for acting greatness. But...man...it's tough to keep those rose-colored glasses so rosy sometimes...especially in lean times like this. But, like I say, I'll try, dammit. I'll try...
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