Hey! What's With The Comment About Memories? Jerk!

Hello There, Citizens Of Blogtown! First order of business: Let's rename this stupid town, because the word "blog" is reeeeeealy stupid! I recommend "New Persia." All in favor say "Aye!" All in flavor say "Yum!" All in Flavor Flav say "Yeaaaaah boyyyyeeee."

Sorry...I have to start things off with a digression. So, what I decided to do was post three things in the comments section of every one of my friends' "space." Yes, that sounded dirty, but I'm just going to keep plugging. Um...wait...that sounded dirty too. Hmm...maybe it's time for a new paragraph.

So I wanted everyone to have a comment...because there's nothing cooler than signing onto MySpace and seeing that pretty lil' red text above the "My Mail" box that tell you that you have a "New Such-and-such added!"

And I wanted to spread the love around (dammit...okay...that's it...every time I go "blue," I'm going to start a new paragraph...purge the nasty thoughts).

But I didn't want to do something where you just post the same damn thing in everyone's comment line...because...dammit...I need to be a trend-setter. I needed a new tack. No one would feel truly gifted (if you can call this a gift) if they got the same "Hey! It's your friend Tyler! I can count to thirty!" in their comments section.

So, last night at mine & Erika's hoity-toity acting class (yes, I'm an actor if you didn't know...and no, I don't know Corey Haim, and I don't have any idea how you can reach him...all right!? I don't care if you think he's the father of your child, I'm writing a damn blog here, so leave me be! I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!), the teacher was talking about his memories as a three year old. Of course, this got me to thinking...do I have any Tyler-as-a-three-year-old memories? And I did. Very fuzzy...and full of orange juice...but they were definitely there.

Then I merged the two...like some kind of magical "merging machine." Like a stapler, maybe? There we go. I merged them, like a stapler.

This was the perfect way to say something in each person's comment field, and not repeat myself like some kind of magical repeating machine. A "copy machine" maybe? No...that's no good. How about a "metronome?" Yes...that's much, much better. So, in each of my 45 friends' (holy mother of God, do I really have 45 friends? I need to double-check those numbers...), I'm going to put my first memory of them, my favorite memory of them, and, finally, my last memory of them.

This is going to take a while, and I probably won't get done tonight, but I do intend to finish. I'm not expecting a response of any kind, so don't think of this as some sleazy solicitation...I just wanted to shine a little sunshine on this shiny web site...to let you know that...hey...I remember all of you.

So...enjoy...or delete if you must. But know that, with all sincerity, I truly appreciate your friendship.

And since I appreciate your friendship so much, could someone spot me, like, twenty bucks? I'm a little short on rent this month.

Not really. That was just a joke.

No...it wasn't.

Yes...it was.

Nope.

Yep.

....

Top 5 Worst Valentines Day Gifts

This little story; made me curious. So I asked Erika, "What are the worst possible things that I could give you for Valentines Day?" So she told me.

1) Fake boobs

2) A box of spiders

3) Fire

4) Stage Fright

5) A broken arm

"2 out of 5 ain't bad," is what I told her as we were driving to the hospital.

It's Held Together With Baling Wire and Pain!

This just occured to me today.

Chuck Norris, Tucker Carlson, Rich Eisen, Mitch Hedberg (RIP), Patty Duke, and Bob Saget probably all hated that "Bananna-fanna-fo..." game.

The Most Brilliant Inventions...EVER!

A great man named Play-dough once said: "Necessity is the mother of invention." Now, I don't know about that, because my mother's name is Charlene. But after I reread that quote, I realize he was talking about "necessity" (because that's the first word of the quote). Now, I don't "know" what that "word" means (I have a 3 syllable limit on words I understand) but I do know this: "I love inventions!!!"

I realize that I'm stepping into somewhat dangerous territory here, what with patents and what-not...but I felt I should do this for the good of humanity. Because I love nothing so much as I love humanity.

The following are inventions...ideas...thoughts that I have thought up for the last 30 years of my 26 year old life. I bequeath them to you now...consider it my pre-President's Day gift to you all. If you must patent one of these ideas, that's fine...I won't even ask for money even though I thought of them first. As long as these things are brought to humanity then I will be satisfied. So...enough of the bellyaching, and on with the BRILLIANCE!!!

- The legendary Robert Bogue collaborated with me for this idea: I think it'd be cool to be cremated, then have your ashes distributed to your friends and family in little baggies...so they can play "practical jokes" on people with your ashes. This way, you can still be hella' funny, even after you're dead! The possibilities for comedy are ENDLESS!!! Proposed name: "Cremains Comedy!"

- We release a set on VHS (or maybe, if we get the funding, on one of those new-fangled Laser Discs I've been seeing everywhere) where we show the first and last shows of a bunch of TV series (such as Punky Brewster)...so you can see how the story has progressed, and how fat the actors have become. That way, whenever someone mentions a show you haven't seen, you can get the entire story in a 1 or 2 hour sitting (depending on how long the show was). Also, you can watch as the Olsen Twins sprout before your unbelieving eyes. Proposed name: "First-sies 'n' Last-sies."

- You know those lint-roller-sticky things you use to get cat fur and blood off of your jacket? How about one of those for the kitchen floor? Proposed name: "Da' Rollah'-Stickah'" (because it's edgy, and urban).

- A hybrid adjustable rate mortgage and fixed rate mortgage based on the London InterBank Offered Rate index whereupon for up to five years fixed interest rate is fixed before flipping to an adjustable rate after 5 years. But the catch is, the loan will allow for negative amortization, basing the monthly payments solely off of the interest rate! This does not allow one to accrue any equity, but if the property appreciates in value, then after 5 years you can refinance to a standard fixed rate mortgage! Proposed name: "Poopie the Hutt, King of Mortgages!"

- A line of "scented" fake moustaches. Suggested flavors: oatmeal cookie, vanilla-rama, SPICE, motor oil, and Aunt Cathy. Proposed name: "Smelly 'Stache." (maybe the theme song could be a play on the incredibly popular song "Smelly Cat?")

- A machine that you can use to tell you what day it is...preferably with a liquid-crystal display screen, large easy-to-read numbers, and an "audio" option that plays when you press a button (to which you could attach headphones if you were so inclined). Proposed name: "The Day-Teller."

- A hooded crew-neck t-shirt...because I think every piece of clothing that goes on the torso should have an optional hood. Proposed name: "Tee-Hoody."

- It's about high time that we had a band comprised completely of robots...or at least humans dressed up like robots. Proposed name: "Rock-o-Tron!" Proposed first album: "Resistance Is Fertile!" Proposed hit songs: "Rock Yo' Sockets Off!" and "We Make Yo' Gears Ring!"

- A bathtub faucet handle that has "hot" "cold" and "Jell-o" options...because who hasn't wanted to bathe in Jell-o? Proposed name: "Gentlemen Prefer Jell-o"

- Dehydrated printer paper that would take form after you add water. Proposed name: "Dehydrated Printer Paper."

- Classy pornography that chronicles great moments in lovemaking...using look-alikes and replica sets. We could have the Egyptian tryst of Anthony and Cleopatra...the Rape of Nanking (I don't know who Nanking was, but I think it would be helpful to get an eastern perspective on this venture...but to tone things down, I think I'd make it a consensual rape, so as to not offend anyone...particularly direct descendants of Nanking)...Britney and Justin's first time...Catherine the Great and her horse (though, instead of a horse we should probably just use a guy with a long mane...like Fabio)...Bill and his cigar...Marilyn Monroe and every man living in Hollywood in the 1950s and 1960s. I'm telling you, the possibilities are endless...

- Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question. (yes, I plagiarized this one from Deep Thoughts...but I still think it's a good idea...and anyway, I'm completely out of them, myself).

Well, thats all of them. Good night, good blog, and good luck.