Christ Almighty, is it Valentines Day Again?

Anyone who knows me knows that there is one true thing about me: I loves me some Valentines Day. For me, it's an event that is more cherished than Christmas, Flag Day, Shmini Atzeret, Layla tul Qadr, and my damn birthday all put together. So I celebrated today in style. Tyler style.

First things first, sleep in until about 11:00. I know it's a tough life I'm living, and every ounce of my body wants to leap out of bed and face the day. But no...not today friends...not today. I forced myself to stay put until the dreaded "sleep-in guilt" had taken a strong enough hold. Then, with all the power of a "27 year old man getting out of bed," I got up.

Next step on this day-of-days: romancing. Luckily, I have a special woman in my life. Not only did I go through the tremendous, arduous effort of leaving her a comment with a glittery rose bleeding into a wine glass or something...I also gave what is just about the sweetest picture comment a woman could ever ask for.

But that's not all I done for my woman. People always say "the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach." This always confused me, because I'd always thought it would be quicker to go through the rib cage -- but I guess that's why I failed medical school (that, along with "never applying").

So to get straight to my woman's heart (by way of stomach), I set out to make her a super-romantic dinner. Now, I've been watching a lot of "Top Chef" these last few weeks, and I realized (from watching) just how important "presentation" was to a meal. So, my first step was to prepare an appetizer, or as they call it in the professional chef business, an "amused bush." So I whipped up a little something I like to call "Lightly Spiced Toasted Corn Tortillas with Stewed Tomato and Jalepeno Pico De Gallo."


Damn that looks good

Next stop: the main course. Or, as they call it in the business, "The Main Course." I thought to myself: what does Erika like? When that stumped me, I continued to think to myself, "Hell, what does everyone like?" The answer to that: PIZZA! But wait...Top Chef has prepared me to not just cook up a pizza, slice it, and put it on a plate. Today is a special day, dammit...a day of romance...a day of celebration. And what's more romantic and celebratory than a pizza shaped like a heart? I'll tell you: not a damn thing. So I cooked up a delicious Totino's Pizza (and for those of you loving on a budget, they're 10 for $10 at Safeway this week!!!), and lovingly cut it into the shape that just screams "I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!!!" I garnished it with a banana (which looks just like a beautiful crescent moon, one of Erika's favorite things) and a Coke (which looks like a beautiful full moon, one of Erika's favorite things).


How did I do that!!!?

Last step (and arguably the most important), is desert. Now, I don't have the time (or intelligence) to make something from scratch, so I've got to think on my feet. What do we have that would make a good desert? Then it hits me (or actually I "hit" it when I was scrambling around the kitchen, blinded by tears of fears) -- Erika just bought a dutch apple pie a couple of days ago. It should still be good, right? But you know me, I've been learning how to be all romantic from TV...so I garnished it with something I know Erika loves...for a fact:


Goldfish are for Lovers

But that's not all. You know and I know that Erika loves having the house clean when she comes home from work. That's why I like to "pitch in" to keep the house "sparkling" (almost as sparkling as that beautiful dying rose I put on Erika's MySpace page). Now the one thing that we both hate doing is the dishes. So, I spent a good twenty minutes cleaning all of those dirty dishes that had been piling up in our sink:


Before & After

Now, I could've put them away...but let's be real here -- I have no idea where anything goes. Hell, I haven't opened our cabinets since we moved in. Actually, if you asked me, straight up, "What is a cabinet?" I couldn't tell you in a million years. No joke.

Next chore: make the bed. Now, this one has always been tricky for me, because I've never really been able to wrap my enormous head around the whole "Why make the bed if it's only going to get un-made when you sleep in it?" question. But today I decided to make an exception...and just make the darn thing. Now, Erika's always tried to show me the "correct way" to do this thing (something about a "comforter" "sheet" and "blanket" or something). I just sorta' improvised a bit, but I think I did a pretty fine job:


Before & After

As for the "last part" of the evening...well...that's my specialty really, but unfortunately I can't go into any details here (because eww...gross...). However, I will give you a bit of a sneak peek into just what the young lady has in store for her. I'ma put on her favorite outfit (and I must say that I look positively ravishing in it), lay across the freshly made bed...and beckon. That's all it's going to take: one little beckon. Anyhow, any ladies out there reading this...just imagine the special man in your life looking as good as I do here, and try...just try to resist...I dare you...


Irresistable

A Lean Cuisine Review: Chicken Tuscan

I realized that I was down to only a few Lean Cuisines today -- couple of those delicious panininininis, and the dinner I had been avoiding all week. Chicken Tuscan. I purchased it with the express intention of never actually eating it...it was sorta' like "that nice bottle of scotch you keep unopened in your bar"...or maybe "Kelly Ripa."

But I was really down to it today, so I thought, "Meh, why not." Now, the first thing I think of when hear the word "Tuscan" is this little guy:


(Erika, I'll explain this to you later)

But, sadly, I was not attacked by Sand People when I took the box out of our freezer. Instead, to my great dismay, the cooking instructions flickered across the back: "Peel film cover back from vegetable portion of tray. Add 1 tablespoon of water to vegetables; re-cover." Those included my two least favorite instrucions of all time: "Add" and "Re-cover." I don't mind making slits, even removing covers...but "re-covering?" Unbelievable. Unacceptable! Nooooo!!!

But I did it, as you can see here.



I was not happy about it, and you can be sure that I punched several of our cabinets in rage when I learned about it. Also, did you notice the little drawing of broccoli in the upper-left corner of the box? I think it's giving me the finger? But I digress.

I had another nice little surprise. One of our cats (the stupid one) had decided to set up shop in front of our microwave.



I removed the little freak, and cooked my Chicken Tuscan for an unacceptably long seven-and-a-half minutes. Damn, I was already getting angry, and I hadn't even seen the finished product.

But, seven-and-a-damn-half minutes later here she is...in all of her Tuscan glory:



But I gotta' tell you, it smells pretty good. Not "Chicken with Almonds" good...but good none-the-less. Here's my plate-by-plate comparison:



It was only at this point that I noticed something -- someone had accidentally dropped a fungus onto my food. Something that is spawned in poo has managed to crawl its way onto my plate. This will not stand. So, as tradition holds, I now remove all the parts of the meal that do not agree with me. In this case, I must be rid of this vile fungus, as well as my old nemesis, broccoli.



I tried to save as many carrots as I could...because it's not the carrot's fault that they got lumped together with the insidious broccoli. I think I did a decent job. This nasty (but neccesary) task accomplished, I gather all that is needed to eat this faire (a spoon, a Sprite, some hunger), and dig in.



And here's what I end up with (as you can see, some "devil poop mold" has evaded all of my efforts to track it down):



Well, I'll tell you what, friends...not bad. Not bad at all. The sauce had a little bit of a something-or-other in it that made it a bit tangy (not Orange Peel Chicken tangy...but a more acceptable level that teased the buds without trying to burn them).

The chicken (and there seemed to be an surprisingly high amount of it) had a little bit of something green on it. I'm going to call it "pesto" because it was colored green, and I don't know any other herb names. Anyhow, it was a good choice, because the chicken actually managed to come out of the microwave pretty tender...add that with the spices, and I think the chicken might have been able to stand on its own here.

And they didn't try anything fancy with the noodles -- they weren't all colored weird, or mixed with vegetables or anything. Nope, this was just a nice, linguine-thickness noodle that wasn't so long it couldn't be spooned up.

So, what I when eating this was: I mixed the "vegetables" (carrots, after I'd had my way) with the main dish, and sorta' grabbed spoonfulls of each item. When I managed to get chicken, noodles, and carrots all in one mouthful, it was a very pleasing experience. All the ingredients working in symphony to create an arrangement rivaling the majesty of the "Chicken Yodel." Now, on to the final scoring:

Prep: This is about as bad as it gets -- I'm making a frozen dinner, not a real dinner. Wise up, Mr. Cuisine. 3

Appearance: Not too bad...I mean, the box didn't look all that great to begin with...so the cooked meal gave you just about what you were expecting. 7

Taste: Very nice. Tangy enough that I'm still feeling it a bit 5 minutes later. Hell, I'm seriously considering sopping some of that sauce up with a piece of bread. But I won't...becuase that borders on "sad." 9

Filling: Also feeling quite filled up. This is what a dinner-plate should feel like when she's done. 8

Cool Factor: Well, the whole Tusken Raider connection automatically makes this dish pretty cool...too bad they screwed up their possible great scores with including the two worst foods ever invented: broccoli and mushrooms. 7

Final Score: 6.8

I Said I'd Never Add A Song...

Well...I lied. But this is only because I found the most moving, touching, and frankly, "good" piece of music my ears ever laid eyes on. I must say...I cried when I heard "Chicken Yodel" the first time.

I dare you...no...double dare you...no...just "single dare" you...to listen to the entire song.