If You Don't Have Anything nice to Say

So she says "What do you have against Jews?"

"Juice?"

"No, Jews."

"Juice?"

"No, Jews."

".......Juice?"

"NO! Jews!"

"I'm sorry, are you saying 'juice?'"

"No, I said, 'What have you got against Jews?'"

"'What have I got again juice?' What does that mean? That doesn't even make sense!"

"Jews!"

"Juice?"

"JEWS!!!"

"Oooooh. You're saying 'juice!'"

"NO! I'm saying 'Jews!' Jews! Jews! People of the Hebrew faith! Jewish people!"

"............juice?"

"Oh, now you're just doing that on purpose."

"Doing what? Juice?"

"No, you're just trying to make me mad. Well, it's not going to work."

"I honestly don't have anything against juice."

"I'm not talking about juice."

"What are you talking about?"

"Jews."

"Oh. I thought you were saying 'juice.'"

"I know."

"I don't have anything against Jews? What made you think that?"

"I'm not sure, actually. It's just...they way you look, I guess."

"I look anti-Semitic?"

"I guess."

"Well, I'm not."

"Oh. Good."

"Want to watch Dawson's Creek re-runs?"

"Sure. Here's your toast."

Super Power

If I had only one super power, it would be to have the ability to summon the a capella group "Rockapella" simply by shouting:

"DO IT ROCKAPELLA!!!"

Any time...any place.

For instance, if I were standing on the other side of a green Dutch door, something like this may happen:

Because Erika Said So

Now, I don't mean to be too "dry" here, but I have a confession to make. I am losing my hair. There. I said it. It out there in the world now, so there's nothing more I can do about it.

Now I'm sure I'll pass a young man on the street and he'll say, "Hey, I hope I never start to lose my hair like that guy."

I'll turn to him (because I have overheard his dig) and say, "Hey! Kid! You know what!?" Then I'll get all puffy and red (like a big, red, puffy dinosaur). I'll point my puffy, red finger at him, and yell, "You're the one who's losing his hair!"

Then I'll just walk away. No doubt the kid will be too stunned to even respond, because...really...how do you respond to that?

I'm sorry if that's not a good blog entry, but that's all I have right now. I had a great, 30 minute long entry that got erased by MySpace...because after I hit "Preview & Post," I saw an error that I wanted to correct and I hit the "Back" browser button instead of the "Edit" button. It was, honestly, the worst experience of my life.

What was the old blog post about, you ask? Chess. Yes. It was 30 minutes of "chess comedy." No. Seriously. I explained the joke found here.

That joke?

Bc4 Italian. Bb5 Spanish. Ba6 Belgian!

And then, through a series of hyperlinks and pictures, I explained the joke. Maybe some day I'll get up the energy to explain it again...but probably not.

Don't worry -- the punch-line of my post was that "chess isn't funny." You know what else isn't funny? Talking about something that wasn't funny.

That reminds me. I came up with a quick list (just now) of phrases that good stories should never include. If you end up uttering one of these phrases, you have just told a bad story. Guaranteed.

-- "I guess you had to be there."

-- "It was pretty funny at the time."

-- "Wait, I think I told that wrong."

-- "So...yeah...that's the story."

-- "Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."