Just a Couple of Quick Hits...

First up, another awesome headline...though this may offend some...and for that I'm ashamed...but it won't stop me:

Bears Eat Monkey; Zoo Patrons Shocked

Now, forgive me, for my voyeuristic sensibilities are going to kick in here a bit...but this is just too awesome to pass up. All y'all animal lovers better skip forward a paragraph or two...because these are the kinds of stories I treasure. Like Bluebeard treasures booty. First off, let's get a teence of perspective -- yes, it involves a killing...but no human beings were damaged at any point (other than the "shocked" patrons who had to watch a cute animal get killed by another slightly-less-cute animal), the killing was done on a "free range habitat," so it's the closest that this can get to a natural occurrence (a bear kills a monkey in the wild and we would never hear about it...but in a zoo? Unbelievable!), and I'm not going to HTML any of the "eating" pictures, even though they're out there...because the pictures are just a little too graphic for my delicate sensibilities (and by "graphic" I mean "totally sweet"). Besides, we all know this would never have happened if the monkey had bothered to become a ninja first.

Now, some notable things: first of all, it's not "Bear eats monkey," or "bears attack monkey," but "Bears eat monkey." Multiple bears single out the offending monkey, and "yummy down on that." Put aside the fact that any headline featuring the word "monkey" is automatically, by proxy, going to be totally awesome...and just think about the terror in the monkey's eyes. Because you have to know that that monkey was "just funnin'" those bears...dancing around (maybe with a cane and top-hat), maybe throwing a little poo-poo...when things turned a touch too serious. In fact, I think there's a lesson to be learned here: "If you're a monkey in a top hat, don't throw your poop at a sloth bear, because it will probably call his friends over, and they will all eat you. They hate monkey turdlets."

Now, to abruptly change the subject, I've dreamed up another thing that I'd really like to be able to say some day:

"All Right, Dude, Give Me a Reason..."

Because how bad-ass does that sound? You've got some punk in front of you (perhaps a "Sk8er Boi"), and he's mouthin' off, and you're ready to sock him in the puss (I'm trying to bring the word "puss" back...it's not going well), but he hasn't actually done anything to physically threaten you. Hence: "Give me a reason..." Hopefully, when I say this I'll be defending some woman's honor (all right, Erika...it can be you...but don't use this as an excuse to get me into a fight, dammit...there will be no "My boyfriend is going to kick your ass" stuff. Seriously...because that in itself is a reason -- I need the guy to actually "give" me a reason, hear?).

And I know, I've stolen that bit from Dane Cook...but y'know...why don't you try coming up with material for a hilarious, 39-post-long blog and see how long it takes you before you're quoting the Cook person. It's not easy...

I Really Use Ellipses Far Too Often...

Not that it's a huge problem, or anything...because that's how I think; with these nasty triple-periods that look like a mix of "cancer" and "incest." I don't know, I've tried to wean myself off of them, but I just end up being "Mr. Semi-Colon Man," and semi-colons look even worse...sort of a cross of cabbage and teenage angst.

But I've been thinking a lot today. Twice, actually...right around 5:40 PM. And I thought to myself, I thought, "Hey, Tyler," I thought, "Just what are you trying to accomplish here. What is this 'blog' all about? Do you mean to waste everyone's time here? Why do you do this...does this amuse you? Whoa! That tree looks pretty climb-able...you think you could shimmy up there? Let's do it!" Then I climbed the tree...somewhere around 5:42 PM. But I couldn't get down, so Erika had to call the fire department. They showed up, but their ladder was broken...so they just threw rocks at me until I fell onto the sidewalk. They were cool, though. One of the guys let me wear his helmet for a while...

But I didn't really know what to do when I started here...it's all a shapeless, random, "absolutely hilarious" (I'm not quoting anyone there, I've just always wanted to be described as "absolutely hilarious" by someone) mess. Some people want to tell you about how their day was going...and that's all well and good, but my days are never very interesting. Something like, "I woke up crying...then I took a shower...then I got out and started crying again...then I got back to bed and did a bunch of acid. That pretty much knocked me out for the rest of the day." No one wants to hear about my life...frankly, I don't even want to hear about it. I'm really considering just whaling on that "backspace" key until it all vanishes. But I won't...because I'm still kinda' tweaking on that acid. I'm either typing on a computer right now, or I'm under my bed fiddling with an empty bottle of Erika's "sweet smellin'" hand lotion. It's hard to separate reality from "acid reality" at this point. Forgive me.

Then there are some blogs that discuss a trip the person recently took. I tried that once...but all of my vacations just end up with me crying at some point...and I haven't been able to type out a good cry since I started this thing. Here's the closest I've come: "Bwuahaaahaa haaaaa...." I know...not very effective.

Some blogs like to make political statements. I shy away from that, because I've always seen "Talking about politics" as being the same as "Digging a hole in the back yard." I mean, it's great...it's fun...it'll get you dirty and sweaty...but in the end, you'll never be able to dig a hole deep enough to bury your guilt...or your seasonal tulip bulb...or Aaron Carter.

Finally, there are the blogs that try to be "funny." I don't prescribe to that type of blogging, because what I do is not rooted in "comedy," it's actually a desperate cry for both A) attention, and B) money.

This will be my 38th blog posting...but I still don't have a unifying theme. I mean, what if the day comes when I have to name this blog. Something like the classics "Bellowing at the Void," or "Avoiding the Noid," or "Null and Void Noid," or "Boyd Avoids Noids, while Lloyd Asks Floyd About Steroids, Hemorrhoids, and Rape."

But to name my blog? I don't think I could do it at this point. Not that I'm pretentious or anything...and I need the perfect name. But right now, it's just this mess of boring, repetitive, random japes and jibes about this, that, 'n' the other.

Oh, actually, I kinda' like that. "Japes and Jibes." Sweet. JapesAndJibes.com isn't taken yet. It's even got its own sweet acronym: JAJ. Excellent. Well, until next time, here's a fantastically long ellipses: ............................................................................................

Look! There's a book called "Japes" with boobies on it! Boobies!!!!

Annoying Promotional Materials to Follow

Hello all,

I know what you're thinking: "Oh great...another shameless promotional plug. That's just great. I ask you all for chain letters and surveys, but instead you send me promotional material. Just great."

Well, I'm sorry, but you know...Iraqi children are dying every day...so let's have a little perspective here.

Anyway, this will be fast and painless (that's what she said. OHH! Wait...that doesn't really work, does it...?). Erika and I are doing Uncle Vanya for a new theater company called the "Seattle Novyi Theatre." Here's the official press release, because I'm tired of trying to think of interesting things to say:

Seattle Novyi Theatre

Presents

Uncle Vanya

written by Anton Chekhov, translation by Larissa Akhmylovskaya, Leonid Anisimov and Carol Levin, directed by Leonid Anisimov and assistant directed by Corinne Bogan

WHEN: Friday, May 5, 2006 and Saturday May 6, 2006 @ 8pm

WHERE:
Act In Class
12301 Sandpoint Way N.E.
Seattle, WA 98125
(206) 365-0822

Seattle, Washington Seattle Novyi Theatre Presents Anton Chekhovs Uncle Vanya at Act In Class. This production is the child of an 8 week workshop with Honored Artist of Russia Leonid Anisimov. He is the artistic director of Tokyo Novyi Theatre, and the former artistic director of the Chamber Drama Theatre of Vladivostok, Russia. Mr. Anisimovs work is based on the techniques employed by K. Stanislavski during his last years at the Moscow Art Theatre in the 1930s. Over the past 8 weeks the ensemble has worked with Mr. Anisimov and Ms. Bogan, searching for their own personal truth in Chekhovs wonderful play about the summation of life, inspiration for the future, love and dreams, and how large ideas become meaningless.

Tickets can be purchased at the door, or through BrownPaperTickets.com

Seating is limited, so best to order in advance. And, if you want my honest opinion, the show is good. Damn good. So good, that it will change the way you put your pants on in the morning. You'll go "two legs at a time" you'll be so moved. And if you're not moved, well, you'll probably keep going in the single-leg fashion, but you'll dream of the "two leg" idea...and it'll haunt you...

Best Conversation...Ever...

So, I got to take off from work early tonight, because we found out today that our entire office is going to be relocated to South Carolina...minus the "people currently occupying those positions." I don't know whether to call it "downsizing," "reallocation," "realignment," or "outsourcing" but either way, it leaves me minus one day job as of October 31st.

But that's not what this blog is about. I'll save that for another day...when the odd sensation of losing my job (by October) finally subsides. On the ride home from work, I was privileged enough to overhear a conversation by two men about the good ol' days. This is an actual conversation that I recorded with a digital voice recorder that I happened to have in my bag. Guy #1 is in his late 40s or early 50s, and he's wearing work clothes and a baseball cap with some random "union" on it. Guy #2 is about the same age, in casual office attire, with thick rimmed glasses. He speaks with a heavy lisp...almost sounds like Sling Blade.

Anyhow, here is their verbatim conversation. They'd already covered how much cheaper gas was back in the 60s and the 70s. Did you know gas used to cost a quarter?! WOW!!! Anyhow, here's the tail-end of their conversation:

#1: That's true...that's all true.

#2: Just like what I'm doing now...when I said now...when you speak to other people and your speech and yourself you're telling yourself what you need to know, well I think I know what I'm talking about, what you're talkin' about.

#1: Well, there's nothing wrong with a little communication. Back at ya'.

#2: It used to be much simpler...to...to...divorce the idea of...of freedom in America...from corporate America...now its not so simple--

#1: Thats because of divorce?

(long pause, the bus rattles noisily)

#2: Corporate America has co-opted s-so...in other words, George Bush is...uh...capitalistic

#1: It's capitalistic...it's a capitalistic society.

#2: It is...well that's...y'know

#1: But capitalism has...uh...its own downfall. That's how it goes. If this country grows. You know, its still...I...I think...uh, I think I like living in this country because--

#2: No, I do too...(man #2 stands to exit the bus at his stop) But I wasn't going in...I...(shakes #1's hand) Have a good day.

#1: You too.

Something about that seemed so pure to me. So innocent. So confusing