Don't get me wrong, fruit. It's nothing personal. Heck, if I had to choose between you and your creepy friend "vegetable," I'd take you in a heartbeat.
But let me tell you my position before you get all pissed. See, fruit, here's your problem: inconsistancy of taste. Nothing goes from fresh to mealy...sweet to bitter...clean to filthy...smooth to rotten more often than you, fruit.
Example 1: I'm enjoying one of your delicious offspring, the cameo apple. Eating horizontally, keeping each side an equal thickness (in case I need to put the apple down without worrying about the dreaded 'apple topple'), and making sure I don't accidentally bite from "white part to skin" which could result in a shard of skin getting stuck between the teeth (maybe the worst feeling in the world...just above "death of a child"). When, after one of my even-ing rotations, my eyes feast upon a "bitten-into black thing." It looked more than a little like this:
Except, picture a big ol' Tyler-sized bite out of the edge of the black pit.
Now, for those of you unfamiliar with the apple cultivating trade, that's what they like to call core rot. And I had a mouth full of it. It that sentence makes you feel a little uneasy, I think you can imagine my distress. Needless to say, I was picturing the bacteria and fungus slowly cultivating in my stomach, ready to burst out Alien style.
Yes. Gross.
Now, fruit, rot is not your only problem (although that's a pretty freaking major problem). See, here's another troubling thing; you are very often far too much work, for far too little reward.
Example 2: Valencia orange. 12:00 PM. My desk. Last Tuesday. Now, I have to be very careful when I'm peeling a "full-sized" orange...because A) that damn sticky juice gets all over every damn thing, and B) you've got to try like hell to maintain the integrity of the actual tender orange slices as you're punching the way through the skin with your fingernails.
Now, the peeling process is a good 2-3 minute exercise...and you've got to make sure you get every little last bit (and as much of that white crap left-over from the inside of the peel), because God knows that tasting an orange rind is one of the worst experiences in the world (just ahead of lymphoma). Ideally it should look a little something like this when you're done:
But, inevitably, it will end up looking more like this:
So I get my peel on. It's going pretty well - the juice is contained. I break me off a juicy piece...and...sink my teeth into a funky slice of ball-stink. So I spent a large, inexcusably lengthy amount of time peeling a piece of fruit that I took one bite of then threw away. Unacceptable.
Now, have you ever bitten into a cheeseburger and had it taste like moldy carrots? Or taken a bite of mashed potatoes, and had them taste like expired milk? No. You're alone on this fruit. Hell, even the freak-nasty vegetables of the world are nothing if not consistent. You, my friend, need to decide whether you want to "taste good," or "taste bad." You can't have it both ways.
Because I like you. There's nothing like a crisp, fresh piece of you. And your buddy banana rarely disappoints. But...there's just way too much left up to chance with you. Alls I can say is, shape up. Soon.
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