FAQ

I've decided to write an FAQ. The only problem is, very few people actually ask me questions...and I'm not sure I've ever been asked the same question with anything that would qualify it as being "frequent" (though I have been getting the "Oh my God, is that a goiter?!" question quite a lot lately).

So FAQ might be a misleading title. It should be more like a "Stuff You Might Be Curious About Put in the Style of a Question and Answer Blog Post" (SYMBCAPSQABP) (prounounced "Sim-bee-cap-squab-puh)

Here goes:


So, Tyler, why did you start this blog?

Shut up. Next question.


What?

No. Seriously. Shut up.


Whoa, why are you being such a dick?

I'm not being a dick, I'm just being real with you, Mayor McCheese. And, honestly, for reals, I just want you to shut the hell up and leave me alone.


Jesus. Fine. I don't care about your stupid FAQ anyway.

Good. And that wasn't a question.


Well, last time I asked a question you just yelled at me, and told me to shut the hell up.

No I didn't.


Yes you did. It was, like, the first thing you said.

Was that me?


It was.

I don't remember that.


You can just re-read this blog post. "Shut up" was literally the first answer you gave.

Well I didn't say "shut the hell up." You're making it sound worse than it actually was.


You said that in the second question.

No I didn't.


I mean the third question. I was all like, "Man, why are you being such a dick?" Then you said something about Mayor McCheese, and you told me to shut the hell up.

Oh, you're right. Sorry about that.


Sorry?

Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've just been pretty stressed out lately.


Well, why did you decide to write an FAQ blog entry if you weren't in the mood to answer questions?

Is that pronounced "Fack?" Or "Eff-ay-cue?"


Are you asking me a question now?

Sounds like it.


Umm...I think it's "eff-ay-cue."

Cool. Thanks. Can I borrow your bold?


My bold?

Why do you keep repeating me?


I don't know...that's just what I do to express incredulity.

Well stop it. It's hack-y.


Sorry.

It's fine. So, can I?


Are you going to start asking me questions, then?

I don't know yet.


Well, okay. You can have it. But can I start using italics?

Whatever you want.


Okay, cool.

Um...but you aren't going to use bold as well as italic, are you?


I guess not.

Thanks. I mean, I'm not trying to come off as some kind of control freak or anything, but y'know...I am borrowing your bold, and it wouldn't make sense if we were both still writing bold.


No, I get it. It's fine.

Thanks for being so understanding.


Were you going to ask me questions, then?

I guess I could. Um, so, why'd you get into acting?


Stupid question. And I already answered that in, like, a two part post that no one read.

I read it.


That's because you wrote it, brainiac.

Fair enough. Does it bother you when no one reads your blog?


No.

Seriously?


Well, I'll tell you two things I don't like, and I try not to do. The first is, I try to avoid apologizing for "not writing more often." Because usually I'm not sorry...I'm just lazy. And I don't want to apologize for being lazy, because I'd be apologizing all the damn time...and that's just not my style. The second thing I try not to do is: I try not to comment on the fact that the stuff I'm writing is not being read by anyone...because that's not why I write here.

Wait, isn't that the whole point of a blog? To have people read it?


I guess so...but I never expect people to actually read this stuff. I can't tell if that's low self-esteem, or just me being realistic. But, it's not like I'm writing anything particularly groundbreaking, provocative, or even interesting. For example, just re-read this post.

Well, why don't you write about more interesting stuff?


Interesting stuff is boring. Next question.

I don't know what that-


NEXT QUESTION!!!

Look. Dude. This...this just isn't working out.


What's wrong?

Well, for starters, the "ctrl-b" and "ctrl-i" shortcuts are really annoying, and inconsistent. Like, for some reason, every time I hit enter, ctrl-b, then ctrl-i to cancel my bold writing, and start italicized writing, Blogspot just makes the type both bold and italic.


Like this?

Exactly.


What happens if you just leave it, and don't press ctrl-b or ctrl-i?

This happens. It stays bold.


That's really frustrating.

Tell me about it.


Well, should we just wrap up this FAQ, then? Because it doesn't feel like we really got anywhere...and those technical problems are just frustrating you.

Yeah, maybe we should just stop. I doubt anyone's going to read this anyway. Oops. I mean...um...I don't know if I want people to read this. Yeah. That's it.


Are you going to post this to Facebook?

Sure. I guess so. Why not?


I feel like this is just going to bore a bunch of people...and you don't even know all of your Facebook friends that well.

Well, if they're interested, they'll click on the link. If not, then they'll just ignore it.


Are you ever going to do a real FAQ?

Maybe. Let's see how well this one is received and we'll go from there. I could. I mean...I'm sure there are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long time who are actually interested in the stuff that's going on in my life. But that could just be me projecting...because I'm always interested in the stuff going on in other peoples' lives. Maybe no one's interested at all...which is fine. I don't hold that against them...I've never thought of myself as particularly interesting to begin with. Especially not to strangers, or to people that I only know a little bit, or that I don't talk to at all any more. And those are the only people who might actually want an FAQ. I mean, all of my close friends already know what's going on in my life.

Wow. That last part got pretty serious, and boring. I thought this was going to be another one of those things where you gave funny answers to survey questions. Like this. Or even this.

Maybe next time.


Hey, shouldn't you post a picture here? So that the little thumbnail will be something that will make people want to read this blog?

Like, a girl in a bikini or something?


No, then you'd just get a bunch of dudes reading this. Maybe you should post a shot of some guy's six-pack abs, or something.

Probably still get a bunch of dudes. You're friends with a lot of gay guys.


Good point. Well...maybe I can come up with something in-between. Something like this:

Piracy

I blame the RIAA.

Those are the geniuses who decided to start suing people who were "file sharing" music starting in 2003. They took hundreds of people to court. The vast majority of the defendants were totally and undeniably guilty of theft, but some of them were baffled, confused, and quite photogenic. Consequently, when the public thinks of online pirates, this is what they think of:














Those are all people that were all sued by the RIAA for "stealing music." And that lineup doesn't include the deceased grandmother, the family that didn't own a computer, the 12 year Brianna LaHara, and the 13 year old Brittany Chan.

These lawsuits were, in a word, "monumentally stupid."

It made the corporations (the ones spending all the money, and taking all the risks to produce this stuff) look like bullying assholes. It made Metallica (METALLICA!) look like a bunch of corporate shills. It made the layperson believe that software pirates were terrified single mothers, children, and the elderly.

But I have a secret. Here's what online pirates really look like:


Yarr.

Or, at least, that's how I picture them. They're actually (primarily) male, ranging in age between late 20s to early 40s. They're intelligent. Sophisticated. Incredibly well-organized. Usually foreign. And relentless.

To top it all off, they're also wealthy. Pirates make a lot of money doing this. A lot. Don't let the sob stories fool you. Don't think they're just providing some kind of free public service to "fight the man." The people running online piracy sites make a comfortable living, selling other peoples' creations. It's no different than a person walking into a store, stuffing a bunch of DVDs into their backpack, then walking out to the sidewalk and selling those DVDs for a dollar a piece. It's not noble. It's not "taking on money-hungry corporations." It's just straight-up stealing.

I mean, most people would never grab a DVD off of a store shelf and sneak it outside...but they'd be more than happy to watch a pirated movie online. The crime is no different...really. It's just more anonymous, and far less risky.

"But hang on a second, Tyler," you wail. "How could they possibly make money doing this? Doesn't it cost a lot of money to host these sites?"

I'm glad you asked that.

First off, any pirate site worth its salt does not host any videos. They post links that redirect you to video hosting sites (which are, a lot of the time, subscription-based...in addition to selling ad space).

But on top of that, any time you go to one of these pirate sites, you'll still get advertisements. These range from "kind of annoying" (pop-up ads and banners) to "pretty irritating" (non-skippable video ads, forced redirects) to "straight up dangerous" (adware, malware, viruses). Every site has them. And the more traffic they get, the more money they make. The more irritating the advertisement, the bigger the payout.

Consequently, these link sites encourage users to record and post movies (often without paying them a dime), while the admins sit back and collect any profit (paid to their anonymous PayPal accounts via the scammy advertising sites).

In fact, one of the major operators of these link sites is the Russian Business Network. This is a cyber-crime organization that takes the revenue earned from these pirate sites, and feeds it into child pornography, identity theft schemes, prostitution rings, the black market, and an army of malware scams. Essentially, when you go to a site run by the RBN, you're helping pay for all of these illegal activities.

And the infuriating thing for me is: these people have created nothing. They've contributed nothing. They've just set up a website, loaded it with ads and bullcrap, then pawned it off on the unwary public...because who wouldn't want to watch any movie or TV show ever filmed for free? When the RIAA filed all of their idiotic lawsuits, the pirates (and their proprietors) look like the victims! It's incredible.

"So," you snivel, "what can I do?"

Well, in spite of all my rantings, I won't ask you to stop watching pirated movies. It's a losing battle...I know...and I don't want to seem like a square. I get the appeal. Heck, I'd be lying to you if I told you I haven't ever downloaded something illegal.

But, there's stuff you can do. Little stuff, to encourage networks to start migrating their material online. For instance, if you're presented with the option -- take the legit one. Like, instead of watching Modern Family on some shitty pirate site, just go to Hulu and tolerate the 30 second ads (you can navigate away from the screen, check your e-mail, read my blog, etc.). I think you'd feel a lot better knowing that your money is going to the people who make the stuff you watch, and not this smug little foreign dude:


Problem?

This is especially true if you're an actor, writer, director, or someone who'd like to eventually make money doing something in the arts. That guy pictured above? He's not an artist. He's not Robin Hood. He's just a thief...a bushy-eyebrow'd thief.

And if you can afford it, just rent movies or go to the theater. There are so many good, inexpensive options out there now (like Netflix, On-Demand, etc.) that you shouldn't have to cry "poverty" every time there's something good you want to watch. Again, this is especially true for the aspiring professional artists out there.

But like I say...if you watch this stuff, I ain't mad atcha'. I was a lot like you...but I've recently come to the realization that I need to be a little bit less anarchic, and a little more responsible (must have happened when I turned 30). I think we're going to get to a very exciting point where every show ever made will be available to watch at any time, anywhere (for a monthly fee). If we let these pirates dictate the rules, then none of the money will get to the people who deserve it -- these are the actors, writers, directors, producers, and studios.

That little Russian dude up there? He shouldn't be getting jack squat...because he created nothing and risked nothing...so he deserves nothing.