Baby Terminology

Wife and I have come up with some terminology that we use in the caring of our son. Thought you might enjoy it -- here's the list:

- Bean (proper noun): Henry Sebastian Rhoades' primary nickname. "Who's my little Bean?"

- Num nums (noun/verb): the partaking of breast milk. "You ready for num nums, buddy?"

- Back-burp (verb): the process of bringing Bean's knees up to his chest to get him to squeeze out a fart or two or fifteen. "I tried to back-burp him for a bit, but nothing came out. Maybe he's still hungry?"

- Boy stuff (noun): the cool stuff that dad and Bean do when mom needs a break -- usually involves Bean sleeping while dad watches TV. "Go ahead and take your bath. We're going to hang out on the couch and do boy stuff."

- Sneak attack (noun): when Bean pees during a diaper change. "I had to change his onesie too -- there was a sneak attack while I was putting stuff on his diaper rash."

- Burples (noun/verb): both the act of burping the Bean, as well as the resulting burp. "You need burples, Bud?"

- Squirkles (noun): nickname given to Bean when he's not quite asleep, and not quite awake. The nickname reflects the weird noises he makes at that time. "What's up, Squirkles? You going to stay awake for num nums?"

- Bean-o-potamus (noun): nickname given to Bean when there's no rush, he's not crying, and his parents are in good spirits. "Would you mind holding Bean-o-potamus while I go get dinner ready?"

- Beanamus Maximus (noun): nickname given to Bean when he's in a seated position -- often shortened to Beanamus. "All right Beanamus Maximus, it's time to take you for a walk."

- Gurgles (noun): nickname given to Bean just after he's just finished eating, before being burped. "Was those some good num nums, Gurgles?"

- Goebbles (noun): variation of the nickname Gurgles -- used when Bean expresses some form of anti-Semitic behavior. "Hey Goebbles, stop writing your manifesto and go to sleep."

- Bud (noun): nickname given to Bean when asking him a question. "Hey Bud -- you crap your pants again?"

- Punchy (adjective): word used to describe Bean's cheeks, which are lovely, angelic and round. "Lookin' punchy today, Beanamus."

- Gunk (noun): the yellow crap that collects in the corner of Bean's eyes. "I'm going to wet a cotton ball to clean up the gunk."

- Fussing (verb): what Bean does when he's not sleeping -- normally involves grunts, flailing, and (occasionally) crying. "I put him in his crib at ten, but he was fussing, so I got him out and fed him again."

- Binky (noun): the one pacifier that Bean likes, with the white shield -- if we ever misplaced it, we'd be lost, "Maybe try his binky, see if he falls back asleep?"

- Boppy (noun): the u-shaped pillow that is used during num nums, as well as any time Bean is uncomfortable just lying flat on his back. "Can you hand me the boppy? I'm going to feed him again."

- Diapy (noun): diaper. Pronounced: die-pee. "Hey Bud, you need a new diapy?"

Success?

This year's tax return was quite a shock, for a number of reasons. The first (and most important) being that, for the first time since I was a teenager, I owed money. Not just "money," but a substantial amount of money.

So I decided, after consulting with a few "entertainment biz" colleagues, to see if an "accountant" could improve my numbers at all.

I assembled all of my 2010 receipts...laboriously went through my checking account statement...and printed out about 100 pages worth of tax document information from the current and previous year. I was planning on writing off as much as I legally could.

I brought it to the accountant...who was a very unconventional, borderline slovenly older gentleman dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He spent about 10 minutes looking at my assembled tax documents:

"I see that you put all of your deductions on your Schedule C."

"Yep." I guess that's the name of the document the HR Block software used.

"Makes sense. That's the only was you're going to get any money back."

He continued flipping through my documents, looking a little nervous. "So, Tyler, are you familiar with the hobby loss rule?"

"Um...no."

"Basically, it's an IRS law that says if you lose money on your business in three of five years, it's considered a hobby, not a job."

"Oh."

Awesome. So this meant I probably wasn't going to do much better on my tax return (shortly after the hobby loss discussion, he said, "I'm going to be brutally honest with you; I can't help you. I'm not going to take your money, but I suggest you just eat the cost.").

But not only that, it also meant that I'm not sure I can call myself a professional actor any more; technically. I mean, I'll still do it...because it sounds cool. but according to the IRS, I currently have a very expensive "acting hobby."

Don't worry -- you haven't stumbled upon a "Woe is me!!! I'm not famooose yet!" blog entry that every actor with a blog posts a minimum of once a year.

On the contrary...I've never wanted, nor expected fame and fortune. I mean, my goal from the moment I moved to Los Angeles was to be a "working actor." It hasn't happened yet, but that's why it's a "goal," not an "expectation." If it never happens...then so be it. I tried, like hundreds of thousands that have come before me, and I didn't quite get there. It's totally fine, and I'm prepared for it.

But ideally, of course, I'd like to be a working actor. I'm trying, sure, but I definitely could be doing more. I think that's one of the great fallacies that actors buy into -- the "I've worked my ass off, and I have nothing to show for it" whine. Not everyone works their ass off as much as they should/could/say they do. It's a lie that actors tell themselves to excuse their lack of success. Most "actors" have day jobs that consume too much of their time...or they watch television...or play video games...or take on a non-acting hobby of some kind...and time gets wasted.

Then again, only crazy people are actually thinking about how to improve their acting careers every waking hour...and crazy people are generally pretty terrible actors (in spite of what you may have heard).

Another lie actors tell themselves is: "It's just a matter of time" (I tell this lie to myself all the time, in an effort to stay positive). I mean...that's true for some people, but for a lot of people it's just another excuse for the inevitable depressing career examination. For most folks, no matter how hard they try, no matter how much effort the into it, and no matter how long they try, they're probably not going to reach the level of success they desire/deserve.

Success is a funny thing. I've been around quite a bit of success...which is what prompted this blog entry, I suppose. I've worked with two Tony winners (one also has a Pulitzer, the other owns a Peabody), an American Idol Runner-Up, six actors that are currently (or will soon be) appearing on Broadway, and countless others with Broadway credits, legitimate film and television credits, and popular voice-over credits (including the voice of Portal's GlaDOS).

If you couldn't tell, I love name dropping.

The point is (is there a point?) I've seen success happen. For the most part, when I knew these people they weren't successful working actors; they were struggling local actors who became successful through hard work, talent, perseverance, and good fortune.

And of course, success was richly deserved by each person.

Now, if I were the jealous type, I'd be pretty disheartened by all of this. "Why not me???" an annoying person might moan. But I'm not that guy (for the most part). I'm proud of all of them, and honored to have known them before they hit it big. I consider them friends, and I think they'd consider me likewise.

But what about my "career?" Personally, I don't think my time has passed, to be delusionally frank (it's just a matter of time!!!), and I don't think I'll ever give up on it. When I look back at my silly little life, even if I don't ultimately become a success in the entertainment industry, I can always be proud of the fact that I moved to Los Angeles, tried to achieve all of my dreams, and came pretty damn close.

So I'll keep trying...because nothing's stopping me, really. There will be some months where I'm working very hard, and doing a lot. There will be other months where I'm just sorta' sitting on my ass, doing nothing. But I don't see myself ever really stopping. If it's a job, or just a hobby, I don't think I'll ever stop acting.

And if success happens; cool. If not...well damn; at least I tried.