For Your Health! (part 6)

My god...a six-part series about my health problems? How fucking boring am I?

Ugh.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this...which is a round-up of my "symptoms." I have an appointment with my new cardiologist on Wednesday, and hopefully I'll start getting some goddamn answers.

So, as promised, here's the list of symptoms:

• Occasional (once every few days) episodes of chest pain, numbness, racing heartbeat, disorientation, and a feeling of dread (brought on by caffeine, alcohol, exercise, stress, awkward physical positions, dehydration, lack of food)
  
• Occasional headache, disorientation, and feeling of detachment
• Constant feeling of chest pressure
• Occasional chest pain
• Constant feeling of neck pressure / discomfort
• Occasional loss of appetite
• Frequent feeling of "shortness of breath", especially during an attack
• Occasional dry mouth
• General feeling of fatigue
• Occasional numbness in extremities
  

Now, those are some pretty awesome symptoms, if I do say so myself. Fairly comprehensive list.

Just so you know, I threw that whole thing into the WebMD symptom checker, and it spit out this list of 20 possibilities:

1. Coronary artery disease (I've been told I'm too young for this)
2. Heart rhythm disorder (my personal choice)
3. Generalized anxiety disorder (this would be my preferred disease, since it's easier to treat than the actual heart-related diseases)
4. Atrial fibrillation (just like #2, except more specific)
5. Panic attack (like #3, except more specific)
6. Heat exhaustion (in March? Nope. Next)
7. Supraventricular tachycardia (another heart rhythm disorder...this one is the specific one I singled out a month ago as the most likely, in my inexpert opinion)
8. Migraine Headache (unlikely...but my mom had them...but they don't explain the main issue regarding the chest)
9. Asthma (again, unlikely)
10. Allergic reaction (possible...but unlikely)
11. Aortic regurgitation (I would have picked this one, but I've had five different doctors give my heart a good stethescoping, and they heard nothing irregular -- plus, the echocardiogram that I had would have seen anything like this...but other than that, it looked like a pretty good fit)
12. Anemia; chronic (possible...but doesn't fit with all of the most apparent symptoms)
13. Acute stress reaction (like #3 and #5...it'd be nice if this was it)
14. Anemia; iron deficiency (I get far too much iron...so it's unlikely)
    
15. Excessive caffeine use (I've cut down to 10 oz. of coffee a day, so this is unlikely)
16. Muscle strain (possible, in addition to the other symptoms...but doesn't explain the heart stuff)
17. Pulmonary embolism (I liked this one for a while, but I don't have a cough, so it's unlikely)
18. Anemia (here's the generalized version of #12 and #14...but it's unlikely, since my blood work did not show anything anemic)
19. Tension headache (nope)
20. Acute sinusitis (again, nope)

So there we have it. Nothing terribly scary on the list (I consider "cancer" to be the only really scary thing), but nothing super definitive.

Well, hopefully I'll be able to get some stinking answers on Wednesday, and I won't have to waste all this time recklessly speculating.

For Your Health! (part 2)

So...I got nothing.

Scratch that. I do have a new "primary care provider."

But as far a "knowledge of the stupid thing that's making you fear that you're dying," I got nothing.

I saw the cardiologist on Friday, as planned. I filled out all the damn paperwork and waited for a long time (I didn't get into the office until forty-five minutes after my appointment).

Reminded me of this:



Anyhow, eventually I was called into a room, my blood pressure was taken, and my EK was G'd. Once again (unfortunately?), I passed both with flying colors.

After another 10 minute wait, the Doc arrived. He was a young-ish (for a doctor), and I noticed that we were wearing the same style of shoes.


These.

Maybe it was casual Friday? I don't know. Didn't really bother me...I just thought it was notable.

And he asked me the very general, "So, what's going on with you?"

I gave him a brief history of my symptoms (first attack on an airplane, several more since then, went to the emergency room, constant chest pain and tightness). He asked if I had a family history (I do), and if I was a smoker (I'm not). Then we started talking about Henry, and what I do for a living.

This whole thing took about 5 minutes, after which he stood up and said, "Okay, Tyler, come with me."

I thought, okay...cool. More test. Let's smoke this sucker out.

But, no. He sat me in front of a receptionist, and had her schedule me for a test next week, and a follow-up in two weeks. He shook my hand, made some kind of lame joke about being a Somali Pirate (I'd mentioned that I work in anti-piracy enforcement...harr harr...), and sped away from me.

So lamely, I filled out the sheets, collected my things, and went on my way...totally undiagnosed, and fairly certain that I was going to keel over before I could make it to my test next week.

Walking back to my car, I wondered if there were things that I could have told him that would have made him take me more seriously. Like, how I almost passed out when I was going for a jog? Or how my chest hurt constantly? Or how I had attacks even when I was at rest? Or how I was having trouble sleeping? Maybe he could have given me advice (lay off the caffeine, and slow down on the exercise) or something...but I got nothing. Nothing but a promise of "further testing."

This bugged me all the way home. Do I just need to start lying to these guys to get them to take me seriously? Why are they so stingy with the medical tests? Don't you want to rule things out first?

I mean, I'm new to all of this stuff. I only had a handful of physical exams after I graduated from college, and I've never had anything approaching "serious symptoms" of a disease before. I've never really had to deal with health insurance or hospital bureaucracy...so I don't know if I'm doing it right or not.

All I want is for someone to tell me either:

A) You're healthy, don't worry about these symptoms you've been experiencing, because they'll go away.

B) You've got something wrong with you -- here's what we can do to fix it.

So I decided to get a new doctor. Actually, I'd decided that a long time ago, but I only put in the request after the New Year. My old doctor seemed to cater mostly to geriatric patients. His support staff was irritating, and while his bedside manner was fine...it seemed to me that any time I came in with a concern, he seemed unfazed because of my "youth."

Don't know how the new guy is (I'm seeing him for the first time on Wednesday), but it will be interesting to get a second opinion on things. Part of the conditions of the switch are that, any and all "referrals" made from my old Primary Care Provider are "Null and void."

Which means no more "Dr. Sketchers." Even if that means I'll have to wait even longer for tests and test results...I'm totally fine with that too.

So I'll keep you all posted. Lots of stuff happening...but no real news, as of yet.

FAQ

I've decided to write an FAQ. The only problem is, very few people actually ask me questions...and I'm not sure I've ever been asked the same question with anything that would qualify it as being "frequent" (though I have been getting the "Oh my God, is that a goiter?!" question quite a lot lately).

So FAQ might be a misleading title. It should be more like a "Stuff You Might Be Curious About Put in the Style of a Question and Answer Blog Post" (SYMBCAPSQABP) (prounounced "Sim-bee-cap-squab-puh)

Here goes:


So, Tyler, why did you start this blog?

Shut up. Next question.


What?

No. Seriously. Shut up.


Whoa, why are you being such a dick?

I'm not being a dick, I'm just being real with you, Mayor McCheese. And, honestly, for reals, I just want you to shut the hell up and leave me alone.


Jesus. Fine. I don't care about your stupid FAQ anyway.

Good. And that wasn't a question.


Well, last time I asked a question you just yelled at me, and told me to shut the hell up.

No I didn't.


Yes you did. It was, like, the first thing you said.

Was that me?


It was.

I don't remember that.


You can just re-read this blog post. "Shut up" was literally the first answer you gave.

Well I didn't say "shut the hell up." You're making it sound worse than it actually was.


You said that in the second question.

No I didn't.


I mean the third question. I was all like, "Man, why are you being such a dick?" Then you said something about Mayor McCheese, and you told me to shut the hell up.

Oh, you're right. Sorry about that.


Sorry?

Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've just been pretty stressed out lately.


Well, why did you decide to write an FAQ blog entry if you weren't in the mood to answer questions?

Is that pronounced "Fack?" Or "Eff-ay-cue?"


Are you asking me a question now?

Sounds like it.


Umm...I think it's "eff-ay-cue."

Cool. Thanks. Can I borrow your bold?


My bold?

Why do you keep repeating me?


I don't know...that's just what I do to express incredulity.

Well stop it. It's hack-y.


Sorry.

It's fine. So, can I?


Are you going to start asking me questions, then?

I don't know yet.


Well, okay. You can have it. But can I start using italics?

Whatever you want.


Okay, cool.

Um...but you aren't going to use bold as well as italic, are you?


I guess not.

Thanks. I mean, I'm not trying to come off as some kind of control freak or anything, but y'know...I am borrowing your bold, and it wouldn't make sense if we were both still writing bold.


No, I get it. It's fine.

Thanks for being so understanding.


Were you going to ask me questions, then?

I guess I could. Um, so, why'd you get into acting?


Stupid question. And I already answered that in, like, a two part post that no one read.

I read it.


That's because you wrote it, brainiac.

Fair enough. Does it bother you when no one reads your blog?


No.

Seriously?


Well, I'll tell you two things I don't like, and I try not to do. The first is, I try to avoid apologizing for "not writing more often." Because usually I'm not sorry...I'm just lazy. And I don't want to apologize for being lazy, because I'd be apologizing all the damn time...and that's just not my style. The second thing I try not to do is: I try not to comment on the fact that the stuff I'm writing is not being read by anyone...because that's not why I write here.

Wait, isn't that the whole point of a blog? To have people read it?


I guess so...but I never expect people to actually read this stuff. I can't tell if that's low self-esteem, or just me being realistic. But, it's not like I'm writing anything particularly groundbreaking, provocative, or even interesting. For example, just re-read this post.

Well, why don't you write about more interesting stuff?


Interesting stuff is boring. Next question.

I don't know what that-


NEXT QUESTION!!!

Look. Dude. This...this just isn't working out.


What's wrong?

Well, for starters, the "ctrl-b" and "ctrl-i" shortcuts are really annoying, and inconsistent. Like, for some reason, every time I hit enter, ctrl-b, then ctrl-i to cancel my bold writing, and start italicized writing, Blogspot just makes the type both bold and italic.


Like this?

Exactly.


What happens if you just leave it, and don't press ctrl-b or ctrl-i?

This happens. It stays bold.


That's really frustrating.

Tell me about it.


Well, should we just wrap up this FAQ, then? Because it doesn't feel like we really got anywhere...and those technical problems are just frustrating you.

Yeah, maybe we should just stop. I doubt anyone's going to read this anyway. Oops. I mean...um...I don't know if I want people to read this. Yeah. That's it.


Are you going to post this to Facebook?

Sure. I guess so. Why not?


I feel like this is just going to bore a bunch of people...and you don't even know all of your Facebook friends that well.

Well, if they're interested, they'll click on the link. If not, then they'll just ignore it.


Are you ever going to do a real FAQ?

Maybe. Let's see how well this one is received and we'll go from there. I could. I mean...I'm sure there are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long time who are actually interested in the stuff that's going on in my life. But that could just be me projecting...because I'm always interested in the stuff going on in other peoples' lives. Maybe no one's interested at all...which is fine. I don't hold that against them...I've never thought of myself as particularly interesting to begin with. Especially not to strangers, or to people that I only know a little bit, or that I don't talk to at all any more. And those are the only people who might actually want an FAQ. I mean, all of my close friends already know what's going on in my life.

Wow. That last part got pretty serious, and boring. I thought this was going to be another one of those things where you gave funny answers to survey questions. Like this. Or even this.

Maybe next time.


Hey, shouldn't you post a picture here? So that the little thumbnail will be something that will make people want to read this blog?

Like, a girl in a bikini or something?


No, then you'd just get a bunch of dudes reading this. Maybe you should post a shot of some guy's six-pack abs, or something.

Probably still get a bunch of dudes. You're friends with a lot of gay guys.


Good point. Well...maybe I can come up with something in-between. Something like this:

What's New, Pussycat?

I've been meaning to type out a "general update" for a while now. But I never got around to it. I even had a half-finished (half-started?) Word document saved, which summed up 2009, and told of my fiendish plans for 2010. But that went kaput with my old laptop. So now, I start from scratch. Literally.

I mean "figuratively." Sorry. I get confused.

So. First things first (because those are the things that usually come first): money. This is arguably the most interesting thing in my life right now. Scratch that -- it's not interesting at all. It's just the "biggest change."

Anyhow, I'm working as a paralegal at Disney, in the online film & television anti-piracy group. Which means, I am the jerk who "takes down" any copyright infringing Disney content that's been posted online. If you've ever been contacted by someone at Disney regarding a video you posted online, then yeah, that could very well have been me. Sorry. It's nothing personal...I'm just trying to make a living, bro. I'm not here because I'm passionate about copyright law or anything. I just click the buttons that make the videos go away, and Disney gives me the money.


Arrrgh! Shiver me YouTube.

But, this "new job" begs the question, "Um...so...Tyler? What about acting? Are you giving up? Quitter. You make me want to punch a chicken in the beak."

Whoa, there. Easy, friend. I'm not giving up, okay? I'm just taking an indefinite leave of absence, so I can spend more time with my family.

Just kidding. I'm not doing that. I just like how it sounds.

No. I'm still acting. That's why I moved down here, so why in the hell would I give up on it?

So, to understand my take on "Tyler's Acting Career," I should first explain what happened in the last year, and what I'm planning on doing in the coming year.

So, in several blog posts (far too many, if I recall), I whined, and railed, and cried like a little baby chicken that had just been punched in the beak about how difficult it was to get my SAG eligibility. Like, here, here, here, here, here, and here. In fact, I think I may have talked about how I'm not SAG eligible more than I apologized for "not writing more." A pretty remarkable feat, actually.

But you know what's far more helpful than "complaining about something?"

Doing something to fix the problem.

So, that's what I'm doing. "But Tyler," you wheeze (because you just got back from the gym), "How is 'going to work at a day job' going to get you into SAG? Don't you have to have your days free to pursue acting?"

First of all, shut up. This is my blog. You want to ask me questions, you can get your own damn blog. You can call it "Jibes and Japes" for all I damn care.

Secondly, here's the problem: acting costs a lot of money. Seems like a no-brainer, but it's easy to forget (because, a person can act for free, at any time, right?) But if you want to make money in this business, you need to spend a couple of years losing a lot of money. I guess that's like any business...the problem is, most actors don't approach this profession as if it were a business (unless the IRS asks). Myself included.

Now, unfortunately for me, I was barely treading water in those last couple of months (before I started working for Disney). It got so bad that I had to borrow money from my cash-strapped wife to pay rent for three months in a row. And, at my ultimate low-point, I got my first-ever NSF on a rent check during that time.

Which is a long-winded way of saying: I was unable to pay rent, much less cover the costs of acting classes, headshots, gasoline to drive to auditions, website subscriptions, printer toner (for resumes), etc.

But, even more damning is the fact that I wasn't even auditioning for stuff. Auditioning is free...but somehow I couldn't afford it -- I had to leave all of my days open for background work (which was terribly inconsistent as well...but that's another story for another time). Basically, I was floundering. Foundering? Hmm...let me Dictionary.com that. Huh. Interesting. I'm not sure which one to use here. Was I flapping about uselessly, or sinking? Maybe it was a little bit of both. I was floundering while I was foundering.

Back to the topic at hand: for 2010, I have a plan.

It might not be a good plan. It might be a miserable failure. It might be stupid. It might be really uninteresting, but I'm going to tell it to you anyway. Because I like you, and you smell nice.

First step (huh...lots of numbered lists this blog post): take classes. These include the dreaded "casting director workshops," which are, essentially, classes that involve you paying money to "be seen" by a casting director. It's lame. It's corrupt. It has a very low success rate. It seems like a waste of time and money. And it can be somewhat degrading. But for a schlub like myself, with no acting credits, and no union affiliation, it's one of the only ways to actually get my "foot in the door" at a casting office. I couldn't afford to go to these workshops in 2009, because I needed to pay rent and "eat food." Now, with my new job, I can go...and give myself a chance to, maybe, sneak my way onto a commercial, movie, or TV show.

Second step: write. I need to finish editing my script. I need to finish writing my second script. I need to blog more. I need to read other peoples' screenplays to see how it's done. I need to show my work to other people, so they can tell me if I suck or not. Finally, once I have a product I'm satisfied with, I need to show my writing to agents, producers, and executives. This is a long process, and I'm horribly inexperienced, naive, and (frankly) overwhelmed by the thought of it...but what have I got to lose, right? My life? Sure, I could be killed over this...but it's very unlikely. So, I think I'm going to risk it.

Third step: act. This can be done in a couple of ways -- the easiest being in "online videos that I write and produce." Either that, or I can act in projects that other people are producing. Or act in "theater," like I did last year. I also need to assemble an acting "reel," because it's pretty inexcusable that I don't have one after two years in Los Angeles pretending to be an "actor." But, any way I can, I need to do it. No more excuses...because excuses are like assholes: everyone has one (except for the people who don't), and they're also called "anal sphincters." Did I say that right?

Fourth step: audition. I don't submit for auditions any more. I haven't, maybe, for the last five months or so. I absolutely must start doing this again. I have no excuses, because excuses are like parrots: they're covered in feathers, and they killed my uncle.

Anyhow, that's the plan. Maybe this is just the expected "pump up" that every human being gives themselves on the arbitrary beginning of the Gregorian calendar (and, by the way, can anyone understand this history of the month of February? I've read it four times now...and I still have no idea why Februaray has 28 days, and why it's the month that gets a "leap year") (oh, I get it now. No one knows. Thanks, Slate!).

Where was I? Okay...sorry...I get distracted easily. The point is: I do dumb crap like this every year (see this blog post, for a ridiculously similar optimistic treacle...good God, I'm so predictable). At the end of the calendar year, or the beginning of the new year, I'm all like, "Man, I'm going to make some big ol' fat changes in my life. I'm going to get off of my butt and do something." Then I never end up following through. I guess that's the story of human existence, right? Except, my story is way, way, waaaay more interesting, because it involves me. And I'm totally different from everyone else.

I'm getting distracted again. Anyhow, that's the jist of my plan. It might pan out. It probably won't. But either way, it's a start. And I'm an imperfect being, just spitting out the same encouraging platitudes that better people have spit out since the dawn of man.

Except my platitudes are different. Because I'm saying them. Right, guys? Right?