I'll Admit It...

I'm a little nervous here...I actually come here with an "idea" of what I'm going to blog. I'm nervous, because when I'm "trying" to be interesting, I end up "tying" my shoes...which became "untied" when I "removed" them.

Nope, already off track. This is not going well. I need a cute little smiley face to cheer me. How...about....this one: Golly! Look at the little laughing guy....laughin' and laughin' and laughin'...or is that a seizure? Oh, my God...he's going into shock! We've got to move, now! You, dial 911! You! Is there a defirbrilatror on the property? Defribritator! Drefribgerator! Get it! He's coding! CLEAR! NO PULSE!!! NO PULSE!! WHERE IS THAT GODDAMN AMBULANCE?! WE'RE LOSING HIM!!! NOOOO!!!!!

Crap, I just can't help myself, can I? Damn hell. Well, here's the deep observation I was going to make, before that Goddamn seizure smiley-face got me off track again.

See, I'm a man who listens to music. As far as I can tell, I'm the only person who likes music in the entire world, which is fine with me. Some day, the rest of the world will know the true beauty of "songs." Until then, it's my cross to bear.

But, being the only person actually listening to music, I notice things. I thing this is from that new Pearl Jam song...something about Worldwide Suicides? Well, that ol' local radio stationshow "The End" decided to play that track for every-other-song they spin. Unfortunately, I don't like the song, and I didn't really know why...until now. Call it a "revelation," call it "liver cancer," call it "Colin" and put it in a pretty dress...either way, it's my idea. Now it's your idea, because you're reading this blog, and I relinquish it unto you.

I think, at a certain point, singers stop writing songs that are "personal," and start to try to teach other people how to live their lives. Pearl Jam is a good example...here are some lyrics from "Worldwide Suicide":

It's a shame to awaken, world aflame
What does it mean when the war has taken over?
It's the same every day in a hell man-made
What can be saved, and who will be left to hold her?

Okay. Now, compare that to some early PJ (I'm the only one who calls them PJ...if you call them that, you're a "copy cat," and a "dirty rat")

Just like the day...oh, like the day I heard
Daddy didnt give affection, no...
And the boy was something that mommy wouldnt wear
King Jeremy the wicked...oh, ruled his world

Now, I've never been a real huge PJ fan, but their earlier lyrics actually are personal, heartfelt, and sincere...whereas Worldwide Suicide seems a bit whiny, and didactic (I don't know what that word means...but Thesaurus.com does! And that's all that matters).

Here's another unfortunate example of sincerity and honesty gone horribly wrong. Ms. Kilcher...or, as I like to call her, "Snagglepuss:"

Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

Forgive me, but I'm a sucker for schmaltz, and girls with big boobies. Now compare that to her latest "smash hit":

You look at me
but you're not quite sure
Am I it or could you get more
You learn cool from magazines
You learn love from Charlie Sheen

Actually, all I learn from Charlie Sheen is how to hire prostitutes, and also how to play Cribbage (double-run, bitches...double-run...). Most importantly, I don't need Jewel/Snaggle to tell me what I learn from Charlie Sheen, unless it's to tell me how we was able to spawn half a man. Quite a feat.

One more example before I leave you...and this one is sure to generate the hate mail...or "hate comments," or (even more painfully) the blithe indifference. I don't know what the word "blithe" means, but I did go to high school with a girl named Blythe. I also went to school with a girl named Jessica Simpson -- I actually had a crush on her in the 7th grade because she sat next to me in a class we had...and for no other reason than that. She used to wear a bola, and vests...but she's doing much better now.

I digress...here is that last example I promised...and I'm sorry that I know this...but I do...so shoot me, a'aight...it's not like it's tough to learn these lyrics or anything...I mean, it's not like I'm a fan...I just learned them because I thought they were stupid...really...I mean...c'mon...:

Baby I dont understand
Just why we cant be lovers
Things are getting out of hand
Trying too much, but baby we cant win
Let it go
If you want me girl, let me know
I am down, on my knees

Hee hee....did that guy from N*SYNC just say "I am down on my knees." I don't know why that's funny...I just know that...hee hee...er...hee...sorry. Not funny. Anyhow, here's some of their "later magic..." the stuff that got released shortly before they decided to part company to "pursue other projects."

Can we say the same for you?
Tired of feelin all
Around me animosity
Just worry about yours
'Cause I'ma get mine
Now people can't you see

I guess hesa did get his in the end. Now, I'm sure I'm over some "word limit," because I literally spent 2 hours writing this blog entry -- 108 of those minutes were spent replaying some of my old N*SYNC CDs (I burned them illegally! SHHH!!!), but the rest was "pure blogging heaven." Speaking of which, here's the real "Snagglepuss," in all his glory. Ahh...I love HTML script...because it's dorky...

Now what's that thing he used to say? Ah...yes. "Exit stage left, even..."< other ?pursue to company part decided they before shortly released got that stuff the magic...? ?later their of some here?s Anyhow, funny. Not hee...er...hee...sorry. that...hee know just funny...I that?s why don?t I knees.? my on down am>

I Wasn't Going to Tell Anyone This...

On Wednesday, on my way to work, I had a banana, a Coke, and a sleeve of saltine crackers for breakfast. I thought, "If I only eat a banana, it'll be too sugary...and I need to drink some kind of fluid (fluid = Coke in my world). So, why not balance it out with an entire sleeve of crackers...to absorb the acidity of the Coke and the banana."

So, I finished at about 8:30 AM. The stomach ache started at about 9:10 AM, and proceeded until about 7:30 PM that night. For all of you aspiring "sleeve of crackers for breakfasters" out there, I say...just don't do it. Or, if you do, add "shot of Pepto" to that list, and enjoy.

On to happier news. I have a new invention. We were at a friend's house recently, and he pulled out some vacuum-sealed, pre-cooked salmon that was tender, smoked, and (if I didn't hate all seafood, would have been) totally delicious.

Now, because I hate seafood, this got me to thinking; why only salmon? So, my new invention (feel free to steal this idea...I will be first in line to buy 'er) is vacuum-sealed, smoked, flavored pot roast sticks. Because who doesn't love pot roast? We've got plenty of dried, chewy, totally delicious meats to choose from...why not a tender, pre-cooked, barbecue flavored stick of beef to jam into your mouth (or, if you so desire, onto a cracker of your choosing).

I'm telling you, someone will make money off of this idea. Not I, however. I'm pretty busy with this puzzle here...so...if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to it...