In a State of Perpetual Frustration

I might have a problem.

I get frustrated with strangers very easily.

Now before I get into all of this, let me just say up front that I don't believe this is some kind of crippling psychological issue. The manifestation of this anger has never escalated beyond a "quiet snide remark that the person in question will never hear." It's never prevented me from enjoying life, or going places, talking to people, or making friends. Did I adequately cover all of the concerns for the "you should probably see a therapist" crowd?

Then again, I was recently diagnosed with anxiety. Maybe this might have something to do with it?

Shit.

Oh well. Screw it. Where was I?

 

The beginning. Ah. Okay.

Basically, I'm annoyed with people who are oblivious, indecisive, or distracted. It might be fed by my intolerance for ignorant people, or those who wear their stupidity as a badge of honor (I don't mind stupid or uninformed people...but I do mind when people are proud of being stupid or uninformed). But I think this frustration goes beyond that...because I seem to get annoyed with people when they're doing something that isn't even really their fault, and sometimes when they're actually doing something most would consider "polite."

 

My annoyance comes into play the most when I'm driving somewhere. I'm not an overly aggressive driver -- I don't tailgate, I'm rarely the fastest car on the road, I don't cut in and out of traffic, I don't "race" other cars, if I miss an exit I'll just take the next one instead of diving across a median, I never flash my brights or honk my horn, and I never ever ever make gestures or yell at other drivers.

But I am a somewhat aggressive driver -- I pass people, I don't always come to a complete stop, I generally exceed the speed limit, I get impatient, and I quietly call people the most vile names I can imagine when I see them doing something I deem to be idiotic (like constantly tapping the brakes when no one is in front of you, or not using your turn signal, or driving 10 miles under the speed limit in the fast lane).

I wasn't always like this. When I lived in Seattle, I used to be very patient behind the wheel. But since I moved to Los Angeles I've changed.

Which makes me wonder...is this city just getting to me? Or is this just a byproduct of "getting older, and tired of other peoples' bullshit"? Or is there something else wrong with my brain bits?

If it was limited to the road I think I could just pawn it off as typical "Los Angeles traffic frustration syndrome." But this pissed off at strangers attitude has infected all walks of my life.

For instance, walking. When I walk places I have a destination in mind. I walk with purpose; quickly and decisively. I don't like walking behind people standing four-abreast, having a fun conversation and plodding along at a snail's pace. First, they're blocking the sidewalk. Second, can't you have this discussion when you get wherever you're going?

I don't like lollygagging. If I go to a store, I immediately walk to the product I wish to purchase, pick it up, and move to the next product I wish to purchase. If I can't find a product, I stand out of the way of everyone else and try to locate the product. I'm always aware of my surroundings, and I go out of my way to get out of everyone else's way.

But it seems to me when I go to the store, everyone in there is just wandering about, blocking the aisles, and farting around for no goddamn reason (and don't get me started on the goddamn "self check-out lanes" -- when I have to wait for one of those to open up...watching people stupidly and slowly fumble their way through a simple transaction...I seriously worry that I'm going to have a brain aneurysm).

Sure, I know that people like to "browse the aisles" when they're shopping...I get that. And I know that people who are "taking their time" in the store aren't necessarily dim-witted sociopaths. I understand that everyone's different, and each person moves at a different pace.

But when someone stands in front of the pudding for five minutes with pursed lips and all I want is some goddamn vanilla and chocolate swirl Jell-O pudding which is delicious and it's right there and why won't you just move one foot to the left so I can grab that without me asking you to move or touching you and can't you see I'm standing here waiting for you to move and what is taking you so goddamn long to pick pudding it's just pudding it's not like you're buying a new car or anything just make your choice or get out of the goddamn way goddammit...it gets me cranky.

I just thought of another example. Today was I got into an elevator with a half-dozen other people. The first girl into the elevator took a spot by the buttons, put her finger up to the buttons, but didn't press anything. She just kept her hand there like she was deciding what floor to go to, but apparently she didn't need to go anywhere because she didn't press any of the goddamn buttons.

I tried to do what I always do: I get on the elevator, I push my floor button, then I hug a wall so everyone else can get on and do the same. But this woman took the "pilot" position, and just sat there with her goddamn finger hovering over the buttons for what seemed like an eternity (8 whole goddamn seconds, probably). She was probably just waiting for everyone to tell her their floor number so she could press the buttons for them. Some people would consider this courteous. I was just annoyed...so I reached past her hover-hand and pressed the "2" button and proceeded to board the stupid elevator.

And speaking of courteous, I now actively try to avoid walking too close behind people who are going through doors...because I don't want them to hold the door for me. Once again, I realize this is my issue...but I don't like it when people hold doors for me. I don't mind if they give the door a little "nudge" after they go through it (if the door opens out), or if they pass through the door and open it nice and wide so I can catch it as I follow them through (if the door opens in).

I don't like it when someone opens a door for me, or stops and holds a door for me. I realize this is totally bitchy and grouchy, but I just want them to continue on with their day so I can continue on with mine. Leave the "noble gestures" to your friends, family, and significant others.

Which reminds me -- when it comes to people I know, none of my complaints apply. I'm more than happy to doodle about in the store with my wife. When I drive with my family in the car, I'm more concerned with "their safety" than I am with "getting somewhere as quickly as possible." I don't mind if friends hold the door for me -- I think it's a nice thing to do.

However, strangers will quietly experience my full wrath. Even people who are trying to be "nice" (like the idiot who waves me through a stop sign when it's his turn to go) will feel my whispered vengeance...and if they're looking close they might even see an annoyed head shake and eye roll. I figure this is safe, because anyone that oblivious would never notice my subtle passive-aggressive gestures, but it sure makes me feel better.

All of this worries me, frankly. Not a lot...but a little bit. I'd always kinda' prided myself in believing in the true good nature of people -- that the vast majority of folks, when given the choice, will do the morally correct thing. I believe that most people are kind, intelligent, and are just trying to find happiness without harming anyone else. I love the Ian Maclaren quote: "Let us be kind to one another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle." (this quote is often mis-attributed to Plato). I also despise cynicism, arrogance, and hypocrisy, and try to avoid those things when I can.

I love humankind. It's my favorite kind of -kind.

But at the same time, I can't seem to kick this. I can't seem to stop getting pissed off at people over perceived sleights. It's the height of cynicism, arrogance, and hypocrisy...which is just so hypocritical.

So this is step one for me -- admitting I have a problem. I guess step two is trying to fix that problem. And step three would be "getting help." I don't want to have to go to step three, because it's expensive and time-consuming...so we'll just see how bad it gets. And who knows? Maybe it's not so bad, and there are a lot of people who feel this way.

Yes? No?

Either way...thanks for listening/reading. If you're reading this, it's highly likely that you're a friend or a family member...so thanks for keeping me sane. Seriously. I love you guys.