Suck It, Travelocity: Part 2

(continued from PART 1)

Most of you who know me, know one thing -- I'm not good at talking. I'm a mumbling, self-conscious, confusing, painfully shy human being whenever I'm engaged in conversation. I share a cubicle wall with a woman who I've said, maybe, four words to since I started working here six months ago (those words were, most likely, "Oh," "Excuse me," and "Thanks"). I don't talk good, and those of you who disagree with that statement (my wife) are totally wrong.

However.

When I write, suddenly I'm Oscar "Frigging" Wilde (minus all of the "charm," "creativity" and "good writing ability"). I start using words so big that I have no idea how to spell them (thank Jehovah for those squiggly red lines underneath misspelled words). I start spinning complex analogies, referencing obscure historical figures, and demonstrating an easy knowledge of theories that have taken people years to comprehend.

I'll tell you a secret -- I'm not really smart. I just look all of this stuff up on Wikipedia as I'm typing, so it sounds like I'm speaking "off the cuff." In reality, each of these blog entries that takes, perhaps, 5 minutes to read takes me hours, sometimes days to write.


What's this got to do with Travelocity?


Well...I'll tell you.


The easy way to fix this would have been to actually "call" Travelocity. I want to say that I didn't do that because: "I didn't want to talk to another Indian dude, who couldn't possibly help me (or really understand my issue)." But, I think it was actually more because I'm afraid of hurting peoples' feelings. If I'm actually talking to someone, I feel like I want to apologize for being mean...on those rare occasions where I actually have to be mean.

So I did what any good coward would do when faced with this problem. I sent an e-mail. Most of it was grievances I already covered in Part 1...so I'll spare you the repetition and just skip to last paragraph:


[boring part edited out]

So, my question to you is this: why on earth would I ever use Travelocity again? Or recommend Travelocity to anyone I know? I mean, does this seem like a legitimate fee that I've been charged? At all? I seriously doubt that JetBlue "won't allow" Travelocity to use the lower fares to pay the "change" fee (as I was able to calculate the charges on JetBlue.com, and saw that the fare saving paid for the change fee). My guess is that the whole sum is just pocketed by Travelocity, which strikes me as horribly dishonest. No doubt these ridiculous, nonsensical fees are covered under the vagaries of the "General Policies" section of the confirmation e-mail, but in the interest of running a fair business, I would ask that you refund the $260.00 fee I was forced to pay to Travelocity for the change.


Not bad, eh? I used the word "vagaries," but I'm still not totally sure I used it right. Either way...here was the response I got back from Travelocity:


We understand your concern that you would like to make changes to your reservation to without any charges. [ed: a comma would have helped there, methinks...also got a little "to" happy] We know that fees and penalty restrictions are unpleasant, but we need to uphold them.

Please note that these policies are laid by the airlines and we as a travel agency need to follow them. The maximum amount of the reissue fee plus any difference in the fare is charged by the airline. Travelocity only charges $ 30.00 as an exchange fee.

Again I do apologize for the frustration this has caused and hope that you will understand our situation.


Sincerely,

Ryan T
Travelocity Customer Care


Gauging from the response...I don't think Ryan T actually read my e-mail. He saw that I had a "complaint about change fees," looked up Travelocity's JetBlue change policy interpretation, and sent a template response meant to pacify the "stupidly outraged" and "easily pacified."

Of course, nowhere did I request a "change to my reservation to without any charges." And, the policies that are being enforced by Travelocity are not "laid by the airlines" (hee hee...laid...). Ryan was using all the right words, but they had nothing to do with my e-mail.

My guess? Ryan looks a lot like this dude:



So, I wrote back:


On the contrary, the inability to use the difference between the fares on 4/7 and 5/11 ($103.00) to pay the change fee is not "laid by the airline." JetBlue policy explicitly allows customers to use a difference in fare to pay the fee for changing dates. I highly doubt that JetBlue holds your travel agency to a different standard than it does its customers, which leads me to the conclusion that this fee policy is Travelocity's, not JetBlue's.

In fact, I will quote JetBlue's policy on this: "For JetBlue Nonrefundable Fares, changes or cancellations may be made prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $100 per person plus any applicable difference in airfare. Any remaining balance will be placed in a JetBlue air-only credit and may be applied toward future travel for one year from date of issuance."

There is nothing in the JetBlue policy about a "negative difference" being forfeited. Quite the opposite; there is a specific stipulation addressing that eventuality, where the difference is paid out via "air-only credit." The Travelocity customer service representative I spoke with said that they are "not allowed" to use the difference to pay the change fee, but that is demonstrably false. Forfeiting the difference is not covered anywhere in the Travelocity "General Guidelines" which claim to be only applying airline policy to the fees it charges.

Which is to say that your response is insufficient. Travelocity is not following airline policy, unless there's a different set of rules for travel agencies than there are for customers (there aren't). But the more important question is: how is Travelocity acting in good faith? I am not calling the $30 per-person into question, as that is covered by policy. I'm calling the $206 I was erroneously charged by Travelocity into question, since they applied the JetBlue fight date change guidelines incorrectly. I would again ask to be refunded the erroneous fee that was charged.


Please note my use of the words "erroneous" and "demonstrably," which I probably used incorrectly. Oh well. As I say, I'm not a word-smith...I'm more of a "word-parrot;" I have no idea what the frick I'm saying. Also, I was originally calling the $30 fee into question...but that was more of a "start high" negotiating tactic than anything else.

But, either way, it was "pearls before swine" again (even if they were cheap, $0.99 imitation pearls), because here was the response I got:


We understand your disappointment with the advised reissue charges.

As advised to you in our previous email, please note that he reissue fees as advised to you are as per the airlines policies and we are unable to change the same. [ed: I've read that sentence, maybe, a dozen times...I still have no idea what he was trying to say] The tickets are issued by the airlines and the change fees are applicable as per the fare rules of your tickets. The airlines change fees of $100.00 and the fare difference is charged by the airlines and we only charge you $30.00 service fees.

We once again apologize for your disappointment and appreciate your understanding.


Sincerely,

Steven T
Travelocity Customer Care


Awesome. My guess: Steven is a total moron. But that's just a guess -- I wouldn't want to libel anyone (yes, I just looked up "libel" to make sure I could use it as a verb -- I can, damn you). I mean...was he really just apologizing for my disappointment? Really? What does that even mean? Shouldn't they be apologizing for "disappointing me?" That's like hitting someone with your car, and apologizing for their broken leg...not for hitting them with your damn car. It's also how dumb people sound when they're trying to sound smart.

My guess? Steven looks something like this:


Needless to say, Steven "Da' Moron" T. really got my goat. So, I wrote one final missive...and if I got another stupid non-response, I was going to actually pick up a phone and call someone. Yep...they'd angered me out of my anti-social terror.

With my newest letter, I thought I'd try a different tack -- because dumb people seem to understand analogies best, I lead off with that:


Let me see if I can use an analogy in order to help you understand what I'm saying...because I don't believe that you have demonstrated any understanding of the basis of my complaint. So, here is my analogy:

I hire a plumber to install my kitchen sink. He does so, and charges me $400. Once the sink is installed, I decide that I don't like the color of the faucet, and ask the plumber to exchange the "bronze" for the "chrome." He does so, but informs me he will charge me $30 for re-installation, plus whatever the hardware store charges for exchanges. He shows up the next day and installs the new chrome faucet, telling me that the hardware store charged him $100 for the exchange...which I must now pay to him. This confuses me, so the next day I go to that same hardware store and ask an employee how much they charge for exchanges. The employee at the hardware store tells me that they would not charge in my case, since I exchanged the expensive bronze faucet for the much less expensive chrome faucet. This means that the plumber...


A) Told the truth, and the hardware store only charges plumbers for exchanges.

B) Committed fraud, and pocketed the $100.00 that he charged me.


Does that make sense? I went to the hardware store (JetBlue) and asked them about their exchange policy (date change policy). I was told that they wouldn't charge me. Is Travelocity committing fraud? Or does JetBlue hold travel agencies to a different standard?

Because, regarding JetBlue policy, I want to be absolutely clear here: if the fare for the new date of departure is more than $100 cheaper than the fare for the date of the original departure, there is no charge from JetBlue to change a flight date. I've now been told by two different Travelocity employees that this $100 charge is "per airlines policy," but that is simply not true. And having one, two, three, or thirty Travelocity employees tell me the same thing will not make it any more true.

So forgive me while I repeat myself, but I feel I must do so until you acknowledge this fact: if the fare on the new date is more than $100 cheaper than the cost of the fare on the original booking date, JetBlue does not charge its customers to change the date of a flight.

Here is why this is a big deal. Customers go to travel agent sites to receive better pricing, and deals on travel packages. But, in this instance, instead of getting a better deal, I've been punished (to the tune of $266) for using Travelocity. If I had just booked this deal through JetBlue.com, I would have that $260, plus an additional $6 credit that I could use for future travel (if only plane tickets in the future could somehow cost $5.99...dare to dream). Essentially, my choice to book the flight through Travelocity cost me $266.

And please, this has nothing to do with "disappointment," so stop using that word. It's more "confusion," "disbelief," and quite a bit of "frustration." I don't want platitudes. I don't want apologies. And I don't want to have another response from Travelocity wherein you just repeat the falsehood that the "$100 charge came from the airline." It didn't, and it doesn't. I want that $200 charge refunded. And if you continue to refuse my request, I want you to show me exactly where in the JetBlue "date change" policy you are seeing the claim that a customer must forfeit the difference in ticket prices in the event of a date change. Or else admit that this $100 charge is not JetBlue policy, but, rather, a fraudulent attempt by Travelocity to exact a fee, shrugging off responsibility by repeating the falsehood that the charge came from the airline.


I didn't hear back from Travelocity for a couple of days. I figured they were just giving me the ol' brush-off. Like, "Well, we already dealt with this guy. He's obviously crazy. If we ignore him, he'll just go away eventually."

So I wrote to JetBlue, trying to find out if, maybe, I was wrong about my understanding of their change policy. I got a pleasant response the next day.


Thank you for contacting JetBlue Airways regarding your JetBlue Reservation. We appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Yes, there is a $100 change fee per person if you choose to change to a different date. If the fare is lower, example $100 then you would break even.


Regards,


Carolyn
Customer Commitment Crew
JetBlue Airways Crewmember 92321


Nice. I betcha' Carolyn looks something like this:



So I was on the brink of actually "calling" when, to my total surprise, I heard back from Travelocity. This was someone with a couple of brain cells to rub together. Someone who can actually read. A guy who got to is allowed to put the word "Supervisor" in parenthesis by his signature. Maybe it was my analogy. Maybe it was my persistence. Maybe I just got lucky. Either way, here's what I heard back from the lovely little gnome-humpers:


Please note that as your ticket fare Jet Blue does not authorize us to refund the balance credit of $103.00 per passenger. We contacted Jet Blue and refuse to provide any authorization to issue a voucher. Jet Blue do not provide such option to travel agencies.

However, we appreciate your business and hope you will come back to Travelocity. To assist in your future travel plans, we are offering you a Future Trip Discount off the purchase of a TotalTrip package or GoodBuy Hotel stay on Travelocity, within 1 year of date of issue of the Code subject to the Terms and Conditions shown below.


[details edited out, you silly bastards -- this is my code, not yours]


Sincerely,

Spencer T (Supervisor) Travelocity Customer Service


So good wins out over evil, I suppose. Or...at least...good gets about 40% of his wasted money refunded. I guess that's a victory. Still, even though Spencer grudgingly gave up the travel discount voucher, he had to get in a silly "Please note" dig. Seems he was under the impression that the $103.00 was in the form of a "travel voucher," as opposed to a "fee discount."

But...either way...I guess I got some of my money back, compliments of a dude who probably looks like this:


And now it seems that they've forced me to come back, and redeem my silly little "voucher" through their agency. Well...damn it all. Rest assured, I'll never be using any of these frigging websites ever again. And take this as a lesson, all. Stay away. Far away. Don't let the gnome tempt you -- it's all a lie.

Suck it, Travelocity: Part 1

I'll start from the beginning. If you get bored, then feel free to skip ahead to the "good stuff." Or hell, just go read something else; jerk. Might I recommend "The Scarlet Pimpernel"?

Anyway, on with the banality...

So, for Christmas last year, I decided to get my wife a "trip to New York." Because, well, I knew she'd like it, and it's something we've dreamed about doing since we started dating, 7 years ago.

So, to present the gift, I purchased one of those "recordable cards," where you have 10 seconds to record a personalized message. My 10 second message was a clip from the song "New York, New York." Because, well, it was on my iPod, and it was about New York. I know, I know; I'm incredibly clever, and handsome, and tall, and strong, and handsome, and handsome.

She opened it, and loved it.

Which was awesome for me, too. Seeing my wife happy is just about the best thing in the world, and I try to experience that feeling as much as possible.

We started planning right away. She looked at museums and Broadway shows she wanted to see. I looked at how (exactly) to get to New York, and where we'd stay once we got there.

Eventually we settled a date; early April. Once that detail was set, I could start pricing tickets. JetBlue had some very good rates, and I'd heard good things about them, so I decided to give 'em a shot. They also happened to fly regularly out of the Burbank airport, with direct flights to JFK. This was perfect, because Burbank Airport is much closer to our house than LAX, and the airport is just all-around awesomer than the stink-hole that is LAX.

I wanted to book through the JetBlue website, but for some reason it kept kicking out an error when I tried to pay. I called the airline directly, and found out that, if I wanted to purchase tickets over the phone, I had to pay an additional fee. "No thanks," said I.

In retrospect, I should've just paid the stupid fee...but I can be horribly impatient sometimes.

Because I just wanted to get the damn thing paid for, ASAP. This is how my mind works -- if I put it off, I'll just forget about it; I have to utilize any momentum my procrastination-friendly brain gives me. To accomplish this, I went to Travelocity.com to book my tickets, which meant that I'd be paying a third-party to book my seat for me, giving me a way around the frigging error message.

I booked the tickets, and proudly sent the confirmation e-mail to my wife, once again feeding my "Make Erika happy" addiction. With plane tickets out of the way, I could focus on all of the "fun stuff we could do once we got there."

Which we did, for a couple of weeks.

Then my wife got cast in Twelfth Night.

And guess what. They performed at the beginning of April, right when we were planning on being in New York.

Crap.

Guess that means I have to move the reservation, huh?

Yep.

Okay. No problem.

So I went back to the JetBlue website and entered in my confirmation code -- they've got a great little site when it's not broken. I attempted to change my reservation, and everything was working fine as I clicked through the options. At the end, right before confirming, the site gave me a "total cost" for the change, and I found out, to my delight, that since the fare on our new date of our departure was over $100 less than the original fare, the change was totally free! As Mr. Carroll would say: "Callooh! Callay!"

But once again, when I tried to "Confirm," I got another damn error message. Oh, JetBlue...you're a crafty little bastard, aren't you? With your silly little malfunctioning website.

So I called JetBlue and got through, after 30 minutes on hold. I gave my details to the lady on the other end, and as she was entering the info her computer froze. So she put me back on hold as she spoke to "tech support." After 10 minutes she came back on the line and informed me that her computer was broken, but she'd queue up my call to four of her "buddies" around the office, and once they'd finished their call, they'd take mine. She begged me not to hang up, apologized profusely, and implored me to "Not hate us forever." It was, actually, kind of adorable...and it made it pretty impossible for me to be mad. She put me back on hold, and I waited another 10 minutes before I hung up (because I really, really needed to pee).

After peeing, I called back and spoke with another friendly woman. She entered my data, and discovered that, in order for me to make the change I had to go through Travelocity.

Gah.

Okay. Fine.

So I called Travelocity, and (of course) spoke to a man at a call center in India. Now, I have nothing against the good people of India. They're, typically, much smarter than we are, and generally far more attractive. However, this particular operator happened to be a bit of a tool. And I had a hard time understanding him, due to his accent. And he had a hard time explaining himself because English was not his primary language. And he kept getting irritated with me, because I wanted to understand what was going on, and (frankly) I couldn't, because of the aforementioned issues.

But what I found out, eventually, was that Travelocity charges $30 per ticket to change dates. Fine. Whatever. That was on the stupid confirmation e-mail, somewhere in the fine print. Okay. But, in addition to that, they informed me that JetBlue charged an additional $100 fee to change tickets, and I'd need to pay that too.

"But, um," I muttered, "the new tickets are cheaper, right?"

"Yes."

"So, doesn't that mean that they use the difference in fares to pay the change fee?"

"No. They don't allow us to do that."

"Oh. Um. Okay."

He asked me if I agreed to forfeit the difference in pricing...which was a strange question. I mean, did I have a choice? If I said, "No," would they just make the change anyway and not charge me? Of course not. It was either forfeit the difference, or cancel the reservation entirely. So, lamely, I agreed.

I gave him my credit card number, and he charged the $260.00.

Then I hung up.

Then I got really mad.

Because, basically, I was being massively punished for using Travelocity. My original tickets cost $700, which means the "fee" was just over 1/3 of the cost of the original tickets. If I'd booked through JetBlue (like I'd wanted to), I would have paid $0. In fact, there would have been $6 in credit left over, that I could have used for any future travel with JetBlue.

So, all told, because of my impatience, and Travelocity's duplicity, I was out $266.

That my friends, it total bullshit. So, casting off my usual "compliant meekness," I decided to fight back.

Which I will do...in PART TWO

We Are the Crap

Here's the 2010 version of We Are the World, officially titled "We Are the World 25 For Haiti":




Here's the original 1985 video:




And here's an SNL cold open, which was the first I'd heard of the 2010 version being released:




Finally, Huey Lewis gained "thirty points worth of awesome" (redeemable at my house) for his Jimmy Kimmel-produced parody video.




You still with me? No? Dammit. That'll teach me to lead off with 20 minutes of video for you guys to slog through to get to the meaty, sweet, tasty written-section of this blog.

Okay, well, since only the true die-hards are left...I'll tell you all what Mr. Jones could have done to fix the new, suck-tacular "We Are the World."

First off, here's what I liked:

• Wyclef Jean's crazy demon wail (let him do whatever the hell he wants, the man's Haitian, and as far as I know, he's the only Haitian singer in the entire world).
• Pink and Kelly Clarkson (one of the few singers who could sounded like they could sing without digital assistance).
• Jeff Bridges (one of my favorite actors...casting pearls before swine).

Here's what I didn't like:

• Pretty much everything else.

First off, and most obvious to me...the recycled Michael Jackson footage was just deplorably pandering. P-A-andering. And when Janet Jackson appeared like a reverse Ghost Dad, I literally vomited, which was gross...because it tasted like...Jesus juice...

But, since I have you all here...let me be honest. I've always liked the idea of a "singing super-group." I like watching famous singers get one or two lines of a song, then over-sing it as much as they possibly can -- it brings me joy. I even liked Voices that Care (featuring a strangely attractive, non-skeletal Celine Dion), and the MTV All-Star's remake of What's Going On? And, of course, I frigging loved the original "We Are the World." I pretty much have every inflection from every soloist in that song memorized. That's how much I listened to, and loved that song.

However, this We Are the 2010 World 25 Haiti Are The thing is just a heaping pile of fail...and I use that word sheepishly, because I'm starting to tire of people using "fail" as a noun.

So if I'm recording legend Quincy Jones...and I'm raking this dung heap into a manageable pile, here's what I tell the people:

1. If you require the use of Auto-Tune to sing, you can help lend your voice from the security of the Dan Ackroyd Memorial Bleachers. I'd rather have a room full of Bob Dylans and Cyndi Laupers than a single T-Pain.
   
2. Leave the drippy, self-important, blow-hard sincerity at the door. See how the 1985 singers were all smiling, and having a good time (except for Springsteen...who looked like he just got over food poisoning)? You don't have to look like you're in pain to show you care. In fact, all the serious faces make you look like a bit of a knob-job.
   
3. If you are barely notable enough for a Wikipedia article, you are not welcome. Yes, I'm looking at you, Nipsey Hussle.
4. Jamie Foxx -- go away.
5. Seriously. Just go away. Ray was a massively overrated movie, and it doesn't make you a musician. The Soloist sucked too. I don't care if you know how to play the piano. Go away.
   
6. No old people singing solos. Sorry. I respect your body of work, but your voices don't match the "pop" feel of the song. Feel free to join us from the bleachers.
   
7. "Change" has three syllables, Celine. It also has an "I." Trust me, it does.
8. Rapping in unison hasn't been cool since Run DMC did it. Break that section up. Each of you gets a line. Except for you, Swizz Beatz. I have no idea who you are. How did you get past security?
9. Why on earth would you drop the dynamics going into the first chorus? You've got Celine doing her wacky French-Canadian run-a-thon which leads to.......a quiet, down-played chorus. It gave me whiplash. Shouldn't the chorus come in over the top and soar like a soaring eagle soaring over the Azores? I mean, that's what the build-up is for, right?
10. Everyone take off your damn sunglasses. You're indoors. I know you need them to look cool, but you don't look cool. You look like you're high. Plus, your unnecessary sunglasses cost about as much as a Haitian makes in 3 months. You can only wear sunglasses if you're blind, and there are only three blind singers...one of which is six feet under.
    
11. Who are those two strange looking old guys in salmon-colored button-up shirts? Did they win this opportunity from a silent auction at their country club?
12. Everyone wears a pair of headphones. Everyone. No exceptions. Even if they're not plugged in to anything, you wear them. This is essential. Bonus points if only one ear is covered. Also, at some point you must press the headphones to your ear with one hand, because...how else are you going to be able to hear the music?
13. DO IT LIVE!!! Seriously, how cool was it to see Tina Turner throw it to Billy Joel? Or to see Willie Nelson miss the first couple of notes in his duet line with Dionne Warwick (who then held up the words for him to read)? Or how Bruce Springsteen leaned into the microphone like he was mad at it? Now we get snapshots of a bunch of static, lifeless, studio sessions? That's just lame, and uninteresting.
    
14. No, Jamie Foxx, your Ray Charles impression was not funny. It was stupid. Especially after the little cocky laugh and swagger you gave when it was done.
15. Please don't play to the cameras. In fact, please just ignore the cameras. When you look down the barrel it's creepy. Besides, this is about the music, not the video...you egotistical weirdos.
16. Everyone needs to be holding sheet music. I know you have it memorized. Good for you. It doesn't matter. Hold the music. It looks better. Trust me. I'm Quincy Jones.
17. Could we possibly inject a little "Haitian Folk Music" into this thing? I mean...Wyclef tried, but the rest of the piece was so bland and poppy that he just came off sounding like a wailing maniac in the final cut.
18. Less head-bobbing and false sincerity on the chorus, more swaying. Swaying is cool, and it creates the appearance that you all actually like each other.
19. Let the ladies from Heart sing, for God's sake. People need to be made more aware of this band, and the fact that Ann Wilson still has a ridiculously awesome voice.
20. Jamie Foxx, are you still here? Go away.

Now, for stuff that bothered other people, but didn't really bother me. I thought the rap section was well-written, but the performance was all wrong. That Bieber kid didn't bother me too much, but his voice was auto-tuned...which does bother me. I don't particularly like Josh Groban's voice, but his presence did not offend me. Same goes for Miley Cyr--I mean Hannah Montana. Whoops. That was a close one.

What do we take away from all this? Well, hopefully I've given you the malady that's been with me for the last couple of days. That is -- this goofy song is stuck tight in my head. I thought blogging about it would make the music go away...but I'm afraid that it just made it worse. Damn.