Just Want To Help Out the New People...

So, to help out all of those poor lost souls who just logged on, and are amazed at all the possibilities. "What do I do now?" you must all be asking yourself. Well, I am here to help...because that's what I do. I'm a helper. A hamburger helper. So, to hamburger help you all, I have compiled a list of what makes a truly good, memorable Space. Enjoy...and learn something, for Christ's sake. Here are some things you will need:

Drunk photos of yourself, making sure that the caption clearly states that you were drunk when the picture was taken.

Loud music that you must hide somewhere at random on your profile…so that it will take at least 5 minutes to the viewer to turn it off. The more obscure the band, the better.

Who do I want to meet: Anyone who is cool, and wants to talk!!!

You need to lie about your income…because you know we all really care how much money you make.

Comments from random people thanking you for "the add," which is how you thank new friends (this should really have some kind of application in the real world, methinks).

If you're a female, you need a comment from at least 3 desperate guys on how pretty you are under each of your pictures (I'm still waiting for my first one of these, dammit).

You must love the band Cold Play. This is non-negotiable.

A background picture that makes all the text in your profile unreadable; the larger and more obscene the text, the better.

At least one picture needs a caption mentioning how sexy you look – make sure that it's impossible to tell if you're being sarcastic or not.

Dane Cook must be your friend, because Dane Cook really needs new friends.

At least one Family Guy reference is also mandatory.

If you choose not to have a drunk picture, then you must include either A) a picture of you hiking, or B) a picture of you in Europe.

If you like hip-hop music, you must misspell a lot of words and use absolutely no punctuation. If you like alternative/emo, you must type short responses in all lower-case letters. Rock/punk must include either exclamation marks or capital letters. If you like classical you've never heard of MySpace so you're not reading this right now. If you like country, you must go out and kill yourself…now.

The only TV shows you'll admit to watching is Family Guy, and maybe stuff on The Learning Channel, History Channel, or Discovery Channel. Everything else rots your brain, man…

If you have nothing better to do, pretend you're a celebrity. It's very, very, very rewarding. Again, the more obscure, the better.

<3 means "heart," even though it really looks like a sideways ice cream cone.

If you have kids, you must have pictures of them or you are a bad, bad, bad parent.

If you choose not to write captions, make sure your uploaded pictures are all group shots, so visitors get to play the "find the profile person" game. It's fun, and rewarding.

If you're artistic, make sure all the photos of you are either distorted, cloaked in shadow, or streaked with garish colors.

Make sure we all know "What kind of _____ are you?" We all want to take that test now to find out what kind of ______ we are!

If someone accepts you as their friend, be sure to leave a thoughtful comment like "hey whats up?" on their profile. They will truly appreciate it.

Guys, if you don't have a picture of you with your shirt off, you are a pussy.

Make sure your books are all things that you had to study in college or high school, because no one will respect you if you put a John Grisham novel there.

Most of all, have fun out there. It's a wacky, wacky world.