There's some kind of irony there, but I'm far too tired (drunk) to wring it out. Point is; my car has been dying a pitiful and slow death since it was fatally crippled on the Vegas strip in 2008. And once I got a steady job in Burbank, I decided that...aw...hell with it. I was going to start riding my bike to work as much as possible.
So I did. Why a bicycle? I dunno'. I hadn't really ridden a bike consistently since my paper route in the 9th grade (and my only recent foray into the cycling world was a doomed attempt to circumnavigate Lake Lucerne in 2008). I've never been too psyched about being all "environmental" (though the cut in gas spending is nice). And it's not like I'm a cycling fanatic of any kind. I guess I just thought it'd be a good, fun way to keep in shape while keeping my expenses low.
Now, 5 months after my purchase, I'm pretty damn comfortable on the thing. And, naturally, I consider myself to be an expert on "cycling in Los Angeles."
Because I'm like you. I used to drive everywhere. I still do, when my wife lets me borrow her car. I've been on both sides. I know what it's like to drive next to a dude who's riding in the middle of a lane, or to be cut off by a lunatic weaving in and out of traffic. I get that. I'm not some "foaming at the mouth" cycling advocate who bristles when someone suggests that, maybe, taxes should be spent fixing roads and paying teachers, not building bicycle lanes (for the record, I'd rather see bicycle lanes...but I admit that I'm totally biased now).
But to help the layperson understand that, hey, not all of those dorks riding bicycles are the same, I've broken the riders down into three distinct classifications: Noobs, Fixies, and Enthusiasts.
Now, before I begin, I must give this disclaimer: I love all these folks, partly because I know a few people who fit snugly into these categories quite nicely (looking at you, Evanses). So, I write this entry with nothing but the utmost respect for those good folk, toodling around on two wheels. Keep it up, and I salute you.
First up...
NOOBS
Yes, noob. Cars are scary. Hey...that girl looks familiar...?
Itty bitty wheels, to go with the itty bitty amount of clothing.
Off to school. Or juvy.
A Noob (nōōb) is a newcomer to the bicycling scene. Not to worry -- we all start off as noobs, so hold your head high, you rapscallion.
Scientific Classification: novus cyclus
How to Spot a Noob: if they're doing their job right, you'll never see them. They blend in with society, and stick to low-traffic areas (like parks, beaches, and bike paths). Normally, they'll be wearing totally inappropriate riding attire (suits, sandals, baggy pants, etc.) and either no safety gear at all, or a lone ill-fitting helmet.
Noob Bicycle of Choice: The bicycle will be one of three types; a rental, a fresh-out-of-box department-store brand, or a recently-dusted-off former garage-bound ride. Occasionally it's just a straight-up "stolen bike."
The Noob Riding Style: Two words; sidewalks (I mean one word. Oops.) Noobs love riding on the sidewalk, because they're terrified of getting hit by a car (rightly so). They also love biking trails, because they're totally devoid of those nasty four-wheeled gas-powered demons.
Where to Spot a Noob: Any bike path, park, or sidewalk in the city.
Noob Subcategories: There are two categories of Noob: the "Working Noob" (novus cyclus occupadae), and the "Recreational Noob" (novus cyclus funnus). The Working Noob is an individual that, for whatever reason, can't take a car into work (either because of a "lack of money," or because the "state has taken away their driving privileges"). The Recreational Noob is either trying to get into cycling because it's a "great way to work out," or they're on vacation, and a bike rental seemed like "a pretty cool idea." Either way, they display the same characteristics as other Noobs, except they tend to look like they have "money to spend."
Standard Noob Occupations: child, homeless, slightly overweight technology-industry employee, out-of-towner
Why Drivers Hate Noobs: Noobs are actually hated more by pedestrians than drivers, because (as I mentioned earlier), drivers will probably never get to see an Noob in nature (surface streets). Pedestrians hate Noobs because they take up valuable, exceedingly rare "walking" real estate. But their timidity is part of the reason that drivers hate them -- they blend in so well with all the other city noise that a driver turning left into a parking lot might not actually see the guy with no helmet or head lamp, creeping along the sidewalk in their beaten-down BMX bike. This can be a pretty dangerous situation; especially if the driver (like most drivers in Los Angeles) is really inattentive.
Why Noobs Hate Drivers: That's pretty simple: because they're terrified of cars. You would be too if you were scurrying around on two wheels at 10 miles per hours, while assholes driving SUVs honk at you for no reason, or teenagers throw crap at you as they're speeding past, or sports cars whip by you with their engines gunning. It's pretty damn scary out there.
How Can You Tell if You're a Noob: Are you scared of riding in traffic? If the answer is "yes," then you're a Noob.
Next up...
FIXIES
No brakes!
Aviator sunglasses? Check. Rolled up jeans? Check. Slightly askew baseball hat? Check.
Fixie wolf pack. Beware...
A Fixie (fĭks'ē) is a cycling anarchist. These hard-core cyclists have done away with things that lesser mortals take for granted (like the "ability to coast,"or "brakes"). The name derives from their ride of choice, the "fixed wheel bicycle."
Scientific Classification: hipsterus fixae
How to Spot a Fixie: You won't see them until the last second, as they're cutting in front of you to go screaming into the Trader Joe's parking lot. When you do see them, you'll notice similarities. First off, they'll either have a "cycling cap," or a "scalp full of shaggy hair." Most will have a backpack, tight t-shirt, rolled up jeans (or capris), and slip-on sneakers (or Chuck T's). there are very few variations on this style.
Fixie Bicycle of Choice: Pretty self-explanatory. The only real variation is whether or not the bike has brakes. Because, let's be honest -- brakes are for pussies.
The Fixie Riding Style: Whatever gets the rider from Point A to Point B in the shortest amount of time. This includes weaving between cars, jumping onto a sidewalk, cutting through parking lots, hopping fences, running red lights, going into oncoming traffic, etc. Basically, anything goes. Their approach to road safety is: "I'm not going to stand still long enough for a car to hit me." Occasionally, in big groups, they will get bold and go so far as block intersections so their riding partners can pass without slowing down or stopping. I do not condone this action.
Where to Spot a Fixie: Silver Lake. Or downtown.
Fixie Subcategories: There are two categories of Fixie: the "Bike Messenger Fixie" (hispsterus fixae mercurius), and the "Dirty Hippie Fixie" (hispsterus fixae pogostemin cablin). The Bike Messenger is, by far, the more aggressive Los Angeles cyclist type. They will often display elaborate tattoos, and scars from previous riding accidents. In addition, they are the most fearless cyclist type, showing an "I'm indestructible complex," or often just a simple "death wish." The Dirty Hippie Fixie will have a beard (on males), or un-shaved armpits (on females). They will also smell pretty terrible.
Standard Fixie Occupations: band member, barista, waiter, "currently unemployed"
Why Drivers Hate Fixies: Because they don't play by the rules of the road. And they all seem to be just a little too proud of their "zero emission transportation."
Why Fixies Hate Drivers: Because drivers use a liquid called "gasoline" to power their automobiles, which means they hate the environment, and Fixies (by proxy).
How Can You Tell if You're a Fixie: Quick test -- can your bicycle coast? If the answer is "no," then you're a Fixie.
And finally...
ENTHUSIASTS
I imagine that, in his mind, those bike handles are for shewting lazors...PEW PEW PEW!!!
Sorry Chad, but you're just a perfect example.
Old man + Spandex = Awesome.
An Enthusiast (ěn-thōō'zē-ŭst') just absolutely loves cycling. They are the outspoken ambassadors of the sport, and if they're out, they would want you to know that.
Scientific Classification: cyclus cyclus
How to Spot an Enthusiast: Enthusiasts are hard to miss. During they daytime they're decked out in garishly-colored skin-tight cycling outfits. At night, they're lit up like a Christmas tree with reflectors and lights a'plenty. It's actually harder to "not" spot an enthusiast than it is to spot one.
Enthusiast Bicycle of Choice: Nothing under $1,000. The bike should weigh less than 20 pounds. And the shoes must clip into the pedals.
The Enthusiast Riding Style: When you hear an enthusiast tell you to "share the road," what they really mean is: "give me the road." Enthusiasts regularly ride in packs of two or more, and drive the same way as any car would, if cars were also allowed on to bike paths.
Where to Spot an Enthusiast: Any street or bike path. Any time. Anywhere.
Enthusiast Subcategories: There are two categories of Enthusiast. "The Racer" (cyclus cyclus racidae), and "The Trainer" (cyclus cyclus cyclus). The distinction is fairly simple -- the Racer is an Enthusiast who regularly enters "racing competitions." The Trainer is an Enthusiast who wants to appear as though they regularly enter "racing competitions."
Standard Enthusiast Occupations: manager, executive, analyst, assistant, processor, professor, adjuster, "white-collar-employed-individual"
Why Drivers Hate Enthusiasts: Because Enthusiasts seem to be under the impression that they are cars. It's not unusual to see a group of enthusiasts occupying an entire lane of traffic, going about 20 miles per hour...which is pretty good for a bicycle, but really irritating for an automobile, who just wants to pass them without pissing them off or accidentally hitting one. Also, Enthusiasts will happily slap car roofs, yell into open windows, and tap on closed windows of cars that have "done them wrong," because they feel it's their duty to inform the masses of drivers out there that, hey, cyclists are cars too. Understandably, this rubs drivers the wrong way.
Why Enthusiasts Hate Drivers: Because they won't share the damn road! In fact, it's scientifically proven that, if everyone got around on a bicycle, the world would be a better place.
How Can You Tell if You're an Enthusiast: Two questions. A) Do you own any Spandex? B) Can you name more than one person who raced in the Tour de France last year? If the answer was "yes" to both question, then you are an Enthusiast.
"So," you might be asking, "Tyler; what are you?"
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Well, I know it's a total cop-out, but I consider myself to be a bit of a hybrid. I dress like a Noob (because I'm usually on my way to or from work), and I own a "Noob-ish" Target-bought bicycle. But my riding style is more like a Fixie (getting from Point A to Point B as quickly as possible). But I have an Enthusiast's occupation (paralegal).
Honestly, I'm probably more of a Noob than anything else...especially when you consider the fact that I'm writing a blog entry about other cyclists...which is such a noobish thing to do. Ah, me.
Posts
Hmm... well deconstructed Rhoades. Or should I say "Roads"? LOL!!!!
ReplyDeleteI was going to take you to task on omitting the "Commuter" category (dressed for cycling comfort only, overstuffed saddlebags, reflective vest etc.), but when I thought about it I don't think that species exists in LA - only in the PNW.
It's easy to demonize those Enthusiasts until you one day find yourself in one of the situations that caused said Enthusiasts to start taking up half the lane/wearing lycra and padded cycling shorts/giving into Sharrow-Rage in the first place. No one is born an Enthusiast - it's all just a matter of time, my friend. :)
Then again IMO it is absolutely never acceptable to slam on someone's car hood. And in LA I'd say it's hazardous to your health. Irony???
And PS those lasers are there for a very good reason.
Yeah, I just might just be a pair of tight shorts away from identifying as an Enthusiast.
ReplyDeleteI like the "Commuter" category -- but other than myself, Dom, and that guy we pass on our way in to work every day, I say it's a "critically endangered" species in Los Angeles.
And I've had my fair share of Sharrow rage (after I Googled the word "sharrow"). I certainly encourage all Enthusiasts to keep up the fight, so that I can reap all the sweet benefits (bike lanes, awareness, safety laws, etc.)...but I don't think I'd ever throw my hat into the conflict. I can also sympathize with the drivers out there who get annoyed with the more aggressive tactics (Erika has experienced a "hood thumping").
I'd love to see a system like Munich has, where pretty much every street has some kind of bike lane. But...alas...things like that are a bit too socialist for the U.S. of A. Ah well...
Ohh, I think I'm a Hybrid model as well.
ReplyDeleteIf LA had urban planning like any city in the Netherlands (or as you say like Munich) everyone would be on a bike everyday. If you weren't on a bike everyone would look at you weird and shoot lasers at you.
ReplyDeleteI had my hood thumped once too! It's enraging! I was like "WTF?! I'M a cyclist!!" And then I realized I wasn't just then. And then I realized that just like sh*t drivers there are sh*t cyclists too. And not-sh*t drivers and not-sh*t cyclists.
How much room do I have. From as early an age as I can remember, which is about 4 or 5, I have loved cycling. My first cycle was a tri. About age 8 I got a bi, and never went back. My first bicycle was black and cream, one speed, balloon tires, coaster brakes, which you actuated by stomping backwards on the pedal. With skill, you could perform some amazing skids with rear wheel only braking. It had a horn with a button, enclosed in between the upper and lower horizontal cross members. When I was 13 or 14 I wanted to upgrade to a 3 speed (Sturmey-Archer) with hand brakes on sale at EJ Korvettes, a long defunct Target like department store in the 50's. My older brother went with me to get it and he would ride me back on the handlebars. EJ Korvettes was outside my allowable range. They brought the bike out in a box, we had no tools, they did not assemble. So we brought it home on the subway. It was candy apple green with white pinstripes. It was beautiful. I was one of about 15 kids on the block who had bikes of various description. John Voigt had a real 10 speed, Johnny Stripe had a truck bike with huge springs on the front wheel suspension. We rode everywhere in Manhattan, and elsewhere. We bought sirens that attached to the horizontal tube, and by pulling a chain the siren would press up against the rear wheel and scream like a... siren. We tied balloons to the wheel tubes so they would rub up against the spokes making the potato potato potato sound of a motorcycle. Riding east from Central Park on 82nd street was all downhill, and though the lights were synchronized we would lose their timing approaching 2nd avenue. It was then we'd kick in the balloons and yank the siren chains. The sound from fifteen bikes was enough to stop the traffic on second avenue from jumping forward when their light went green, as we raced across the intersection, laughing like mad, young, fools. On my own I explored Manhattan by bike. My favorite trip was the Wall street area on a Sunday afternoon. No one lived there then, and the whole financial district was closed. It was a ghost town. We had no helmets, no lycra, no spandex, no special cycling outfits, our bicycles were anything with two wheels that could be pedaled. It was the most fun I can remember until... well, that's another story. Somewhere in my 30's, or 40's, I stopped riding so much. Cycling had become a sport fad, a political or environmental statement, a rallying point. It became a lot of things, but for me, it became, not fun anymore. You look like you're having fun however, so enjoy.
ReplyDeleteWow -- I'd always figured that cycling in Manhattan was tantamount to a death wish. Then again, I probably would have thought the same thing for Los Angeles (and, honestly, I still do a little bit).
ReplyDelete