Just Want To Help Out the New People...

So, to help out all of those poor lost souls who just logged on, and are amazed at all the possibilities. "What do I do now?" you must all be asking yourself. Well, I am here to help...because that's what I do. I'm a helper. A hamburger helper. So, to hamburger help you all, I have compiled a list of what makes a truly good, memorable Space. Enjoy...and learn something, for Christ's sake. Here are some things you will need:

Drunk photos of yourself, making sure that the caption clearly states that you were drunk when the picture was taken.

Loud music that you must hide somewhere at random on your profile…so that it will take at least 5 minutes to the viewer to turn it off. The more obscure the band, the better.

Who do I want to meet: Anyone who is cool, and wants to talk!!!

You need to lie about your income…because you know we all really care how much money you make.

Comments from random people thanking you for "the add," which is how you thank new friends (this should really have some kind of application in the real world, methinks).

If you're a female, you need a comment from at least 3 desperate guys on how pretty you are under each of your pictures (I'm still waiting for my first one of these, dammit).

You must love the band Cold Play. This is non-negotiable.

A background picture that makes all the text in your profile unreadable; the larger and more obscene the text, the better.

At least one picture needs a caption mentioning how sexy you look – make sure that it's impossible to tell if you're being sarcastic or not.

Dane Cook must be your friend, because Dane Cook really needs new friends.

At least one Family Guy reference is also mandatory.

If you choose not to have a drunk picture, then you must include either A) a picture of you hiking, or B) a picture of you in Europe.

If you like hip-hop music, you must misspell a lot of words and use absolutely no punctuation. If you like alternative/emo, you must type short responses in all lower-case letters. Rock/punk must include either exclamation marks or capital letters. If you like classical you've never heard of MySpace so you're not reading this right now. If you like country, you must go out and kill yourself…now.

The only TV shows you'll admit to watching is Family Guy, and maybe stuff on The Learning Channel, History Channel, or Discovery Channel. Everything else rots your brain, man…

If you have nothing better to do, pretend you're a celebrity. It's very, very, very rewarding. Again, the more obscure, the better.

<3 means "heart," even though it really looks like a sideways ice cream cone.

If you have kids, you must have pictures of them or you are a bad, bad, bad parent.

If you choose not to write captions, make sure your uploaded pictures are all group shots, so visitors get to play the "find the profile person" game. It's fun, and rewarding.

If you're artistic, make sure all the photos of you are either distorted, cloaked in shadow, or streaked with garish colors.

Make sure we all know "What kind of _____ are you?" We all want to take that test now to find out what kind of ______ we are!

If someone accepts you as their friend, be sure to leave a thoughtful comment like "hey whats up?" on their profile. They will truly appreciate it.

Guys, if you don't have a picture of you with your shirt off, you are a pussy.

Make sure your books are all things that you had to study in college or high school, because no one will respect you if you put a John Grisham novel there.

Most of all, have fun out there. It's a wacky, wacky world.

Privacy

Howdy Y'all...haven't blogged at you in a while, and I know it's been terrible for both of us. But methinks it's time to start the healing, and begin fresh anew. Hence; blog.

Now this may ruffle some feathers -- I'm treading into territory that is dangerously "un-interesting," a place I try to avoid like Hepatitis A or C. It may also offend some...and to those I say: "Hi! Would you like a candy cane?" But here goes. On with the inane.

My new least-favorite thing to see on the Internets: "This profile is set to private. This user must add you as a friend to see his/her profile." Now, let's stay frosty here -- I realize there are a few of my friends who have selected this option and I just don't know it (having added this person previously). And to those good people, I beg your collective pardons.

But here's my problem, and I will give you an example: here. Now, this is a young lady named "Lisa" who went to my high school. Say I was friends with this Lisa in high school, and I wanted to talk to her again. I'd send her a message, right? Problem is, there were about 7 or 8 Lisa's attending the 'Moor. So I try to find out if this is the one I knew, or the snotty one who'd take me on a nostalgia trip down "Pretty-Girls-Who-Ignore-You-Then-Laugh-At-You-With-Her-Friends-When-You-Walk-Away" Lane. Take a look at that picture. I can tell she has a head, that probably has hair on it. And a neat blue vest. That's about it. I'm not about to bother someone who probably doesn't want to talk to me with a message or "friend request" because, frankly, I've got a ton of knitting left to do -- this sweater is not going to kitchener stitch itself.

So I have to contact this person directly to find out these little dumb things, right? Well, here's the problem -- what if I thought I was friends with this "private" person, but they didn't feel the same way? I send a friend request, or message...and it's ignored, or deleted. I don't know about you, but for me that's a bit of a downer. Plus, it makes me feel like a weird stalker-type person.

Plus, there are people (such as this lady Lisa...whose identity I did finally figure out) that I wasn't exactly friends with, but am sorta' curious about (I went to preschool with her...so I knew of her, but rarely talked to her). For instance, why the heck is she in France? This is interesting to me. Stalking? Boy, I hope not. Lisa would be a thing of interest for about 5 minutes, before it's back to posting pictures of monkeys dressed like humans on my fiancee's page.

So here's what I propose: anyone who makes their profile "private," should be restricted from viewing the sites of people who are not their friends. Seems like a pretty fair shake, yes? If your sole intention of coming to this wonderful little MySpace website is to just talk and post things to your friends, why would you ever want to browse through strangers' profiles?

And y'know, even if there are crazies out there, it's a very simple thing to delete all their incoming messages and friend requests. If you don't entertain the crazies, most of the time they'll go away. I say this having never corresponded with a crazy before...but my gorgeous fiancee gets her fair share. And the strangers she's not interested in talking to go away if she ignores them -- more often than not there are plenty of other asparagus spears in the crazy-person's vegetable garden (sorry -- trying to avoid "fish in the sea" idiom).

Or, really, if you're totally concerned about accidentally dropping some kind personal nugget that will be posted on "stalker-freak.com" my advice would be to just not post personal information on your site. Or, heck, don't even create a site at all. I realize that's a bit like advocating abstinence-only (100% effective BLAH BLAH BLAH), but I mean...c'mon. What are you people afraid of? Honestly, if you're scared, stay away completely.

I dunno'. Maybe I'm just getting twisted around on something trivial. Maybe I've never felt the cold sting of being stalked. Maybe I'm insensitive. Maybe I'm just a moron. Maybe I'm thinking too much about this. Maybe I.........

More Like Kermit the Liar

Open Letter to Kermit "The" Frog

Dear Mr. Frog,

First of all, there are exactly three songs about rainbows: your song, that famous one in that famous movie, and finally the theme song to the show "Reading Rainbow." Secondly, only one of those songs discusses what is on the other side of said rainbow. Finally, even if there were "many songs about rainbows," it would make sense, because a rainbow is a gigantic, multi-colored arc that illogically shoots across the sky after rain. You'd think that would inspire the occasional musical ditty here and there.

In fact, I think I better question is: "Why aren't there more songs about rainbows?" I mean sugar...the powdery white substance (or brown, if you're a Rolling Stone) has at least 7 songs about it...all remarking about how sweet it is. I mean...dozens of famous artists commenting that "sugar is sweet" is far more puzzling to me than the fact that someone is amazed at the sight of a rainbow. I mean...c'mon...you rarely even see sugar most of the time -- it's usually dissolved when you ingest it.

Anyhow, I love the work you're doing…especially your in-depth reporting over at Sesame St. Keep it up...but really, I think you should leave the song-writing to people that don't have to worry about being green.

Well, While I'm at It...

Here's another piece of artistry. Sure, it doesn't have the "production values" of the MasterPark commercial...but I think it has far more heart...

Enjoy.

Jealousy

Add to My Profile | More Videos

This Is My Commercial

Hey Everyone! I have suckled on the mighty teat of capitalism, and completely sold out to the man. Here's the commercial I filmed a month ago! I hope you like it. Personally, I think I look terrific in red. Anyway, here it is:

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Chain-chain, Chaaaaaaaaain...

There are one things that I love in life:

A) Furniture

B) Television shows starring "Tony Danza"

C) Monkeys dressed like humans

D) The "Back" button on the Internet Explorer web browser.

In fact, I'm so excited about the Back button, I drew this little homage:

And if you're wondering how long that took to draw, I'll tell you: a really long time. Days. Weeks. Hours. Years. Um...what other kinds of time measurement are there? Yearometers? (I'm pretty sure thats what the metric snobs out there call "years").

Point is: Back is great. It's so great that it's "grrrrrrrrreat!" I mean, where else in life does one get the chance to go backwards? Other than in a gymnasium, I can't think of a single place...which is one of the main reasons why I love this button so much. Right?

But here's the problem...and I think I've alluded to this before. When I go to blog here, any time I've finished my post and I give 'er the final "once-over" (because God knows I could never live with myself were a typo published in thsi fine waste of time). Well, because of my love affair with Mr. Back button (I'm going to give him the nickname "Backy," because it sounds really stupid), I just give Backy a gentle tap. Unfortunately, Backy and MySpace don't like each other that much, and all those brilliant words I've been typing are, when I use Backy, completely erased. Years worth of wit, wisdom, comedy, brilliance, insight, and cheddar have been washed completely away because Backy and MySpace refuse to love each other.

I really dont know how to make this any better. I've introduced MySpace to Mr. Ctrl-C, but you have to invite Ctrl-C places, or he just forgets to come. It's a sorry state of affairs...sometimes I get so sad about it that I rub lotion on my forearms...but nothing seems to help!

Chain-chain, chaaaaaaaaain...

Dance, you fool! DANCE!

Things that I have observed that have nards:

A) Your mother

B) National Agricultural Research and Development Systems

C) Nerds without spellcheck

D) Wolfman