The Cutting Room Floor

Hello friends, it's your ol' buddy Tyler...with some news about his floundering film career.

Well, a couple of months back I participated in a "Public Service Announcement" for the gentlemen at the Washington State Department of Ecology. It was an "anti-litter" campaign, and I was to portray some kind of delivery person. So, of course, I busted out my Uta Hagen, did some intense vocal warm ups, and really dug into the meat of the character I was to portray.

Basically, my detailed character description was as follows: "You're a delivery man. You see some guy about to litter. You stare at him until he decides not to litter."

I decided at that point, in a very Uta Hagen kind of way, to get inside of the head of a delivery person. So I spent the next 50 days shadowing "Terry," a local UPS delivery man. His big ol' brown van was pretty easy to find, as was his home address...spare house key...computer password...favorite bath robe...biggest fears...bank account number...et cetera. I won't bore you with all the details -- let's just say I knew the man very intimately.

After that extensive bit of "character research," I was ready for my 5 seconds of fame. So I show up on the set, decked out in a flashy set of blue "non-descript delivery company" duds. My call time is 9:00 AM, but I decide to show up ass-early, (at about 8:53 AM) so I can prepare myself mentally, physically, emotionally, religiously, harmonically, metaphysically, spiritually, Jennifer Connelly, rock-a-billy, and, most importantly, "hamburgerly" (another Uta Hagen technique, I'm told).

Then, at 9:30 AM, I'm called to the set. In the biting, blistering cold of Ballard, I grit my chattering teeth and give the performance of a lifetime. Spellbinding. Brilliant. Some other word that means "good" and sounds smart. Trust me, I was "off da' hook" (the kids still use that one, right?). Uta Hagen would have said, "Tyler, that was bladdow" (I read that Uta often liked to make up words).

After my "time to shine" on camera had come and gone, I sat around teaching myself how to play Sudoku from 10:30 AM to 4:00 PM. Finally, at 4:30 PM, they decided that they going to do a "master shot" of everyone, and that all the "talent" was dismissed. "Cool beans," (another phrase the kids are still using, yes?) I thought, "I'm off to peel some potatoes and watch Perfect Strangers re-runs." (which is exactly what I did when I got home).

Cut to 3 months or so later. Turns out these PSAs are posted on the internets (HA! It's funnier when you say "Internets" instead of "Internet!" Look how hip and cool I am!). Now, watch closely at my masterful performance:

Dumbest Commercial Ever






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See it? No? Really? Are you sure? Well, don't bother freaking watching it again, because I'm not in it. That's right, they chose the ham-fisted woman, the two old guys, and Mr. "Beady-Eyes Driver Guy" over my one-in-a-million delivery man portrayal. I'm to the left of the old guys...across the street from Mrs. Hams-A-Lot...and just out of frame of every damn shot. It was heartbreaking. Gutwrenching. Some other smart-sounding word that means "bad."

Oh well...I guess I'll always have "A shuttle," right? I was really hoping that I could make the scene as a "popular local Seattle commercial actor." Turns out it was just another pipe dream...like that time I dreamt that I was a plumber.