Elementary School Confessional

We all carry regrets. Many of us also carry Sucrets, and to those fine people I say: "Bully!'

But for me, the wonderful memories at Arrowhead Elementary School are a bit tainted. I was not a nice kid growing up. I wasn't a bad kid, but for sure, I did a lot of pretty bad things that I'm not proud of. For every "I was the last man standing when we played British Bulldog," there's an "I made fun of the girl with down syndrome in our class." So I thought I'd take this opportunity (since it's on my mind) to air out some of those regrets and secrets and sucrets I've held for the last 15 years.

1) In Mr. Gribble's class, we were rewarded for correct answers in class by being given "shots" at a toy basketball hoop above the door. If you took those shots and made them, you'd earn rewards...like 5 mintues of extra recess time, candy, etc. Well, he'd ask at the end of the week how many "shots" you made in class. I lied about how many I made. A lot. I still feel pretty bad about that.

2) One time I tripped my friend Ronnie playing basketball...by throwing my hip out. He fell to the ground and skinned his elbows and knees pretty good. I told him I didn't mean to do it...but I think I did...in hindsight. I was just really bad at basketball...and I still am...

3) One time I threw an interception during a two-hand-touch football game. I was so pissed off (because the kid tricked me into throwing it to him, even though he was on the other team) that I drop-kicked the ball across the field and stomped away to pout.

4) I was really mean to my 4th grade teacher Ms. Quackenbush. I don't know why...I just liked picking fights with her for some reason. She actually retired from teaching the year after I left her class. To this day, I think I had a hand in her leaving the profession.

5) One time there was a kid running down the cement covered area in our school. I remember thinking "Hey, you're not supposed to run on the cement areas." So I stuck my foot out and tripped him...sending him skidding across the ground...once again giving him some nasty scrapes on his appendages. Incidentally, it was the same kid who made me throw the interception to him. Actually...holy cow...it's this guy. Looks like he landed on his feet, though...which is nice for him. In any event, he's got twice as many friends as I do...so...he's got that going for him...

6) In preschool through 2nd grade I had a crush on a girl named Lisa. In the 3rd through the 6th grade, I had a crush on a girl named Erin. Just to let you know how "smooth" I was around women, the longest conversation I had with either of them was with Erin...when I asked her (during recess), "Hey...did you see Kent go this way?" To which she replied, "No." Then I left. Yes...I was a gradeschool casa nova.

7) When I was a school crossing guard, one time there was a kid at the crosswalk and I didn't get up to guide him across the street. One of the "short bus" bus drivers was in front of the kid when that happened, and she stopped her bus and yelled at me.

8) We were playing Smear the [un-PC-term-for-homosexual] one time (though, at the time I had no concept of the pejorative use of the name -- I just though it meant "weirdo"...just FYI), and my buddy Myles had the football. He tried to jump over a group of people, and I kinda' kicked his legs out from under him when he got airborne. He landed really heavily on his side, got the wind knocked out of him, started crying, and he was asking "who did it." I didn't say that I was the one who did it...but I still feel really bad about it to this day.

Well...that's all I can think of for now. Join me next week, when I take a nap on the keyboard...and you get to see an entertaining sequence of repeating letters!!!