Just a Couple of Quick Hits...

First up, another awesome headline...though this may offend some...and for that I'm ashamed...but it won't stop me:

Bears Eat Monkey; Zoo Patrons Shocked

Now, forgive me, for my voyeuristic sensibilities are going to kick in here a bit...but this is just too awesome to pass up. All y'all animal lovers better skip forward a paragraph or two...because these are the kinds of stories I treasure. Like Bluebeard treasures booty. First off, let's get a teence of perspective -- yes, it involves a killing...but no human beings were damaged at any point (other than the "shocked" patrons who had to watch a cute animal get killed by another slightly-less-cute animal), the killing was done on a "free range habitat," so it's the closest that this can get to a natural occurrence (a bear kills a monkey in the wild and we would never hear about it...but in a zoo? Unbelievable!), and I'm not going to HTML any of the "eating" pictures, even though they're out there...because the pictures are just a little too graphic for my delicate sensibilities (and by "graphic" I mean "totally sweet"). Besides, we all know this would never have happened if the monkey had bothered to become a ninja first.

Now, some notable things: first of all, it's not "Bear eats monkey," or "bears attack monkey," but "Bears eat monkey." Multiple bears single out the offending monkey, and "yummy down on that." Put aside the fact that any headline featuring the word "monkey" is automatically, by proxy, going to be totally awesome...and just think about the terror in the monkey's eyes. Because you have to know that that monkey was "just funnin'" those bears...dancing around (maybe with a cane and top-hat), maybe throwing a little poo-poo...when things turned a touch too serious. In fact, I think there's a lesson to be learned here: "If you're a monkey in a top hat, don't throw your poop at a sloth bear, because it will probably call his friends over, and they will all eat you. They hate monkey turdlets."

Now, to abruptly change the subject, I've dreamed up another thing that I'd really like to be able to say some day:

"All Right, Dude, Give Me a Reason..."

Because how bad-ass does that sound? You've got some punk in front of you (perhaps a "Sk8er Boi"), and he's mouthin' off, and you're ready to sock him in the puss (I'm trying to bring the word "puss" back...it's not going well), but he hasn't actually done anything to physically threaten you. Hence: "Give me a reason..." Hopefully, when I say this I'll be defending some woman's honor (all right, Erika...it can be you...but don't use this as an excuse to get me into a fight, dammit...there will be no "My boyfriend is going to kick your ass" stuff. Seriously...because that in itself is a reason -- I need the guy to actually "give" me a reason, hear?).

And I know, I've stolen that bit from Dane Cook...but y'know...why don't you try coming up with material for a hilarious, 39-post-long blog and see how long it takes you before you're quoting the Cook person. It's not easy...