FAQ

I've decided to write an FAQ. The only problem is, very few people actually ask me questions...and I'm not sure I've ever been asked the same question with anything that would qualify it as being "frequent" (though I have been getting the "Oh my God, is that a goiter?!" question quite a lot lately).

So FAQ might be a misleading title. It should be more like a "Stuff You Might Be Curious About Put in the Style of a Question and Answer Blog Post" (SYMBCAPSQABP) (prounounced "Sim-bee-cap-squab-puh)

Here goes:


So, Tyler, why did you start this blog?

Shut up. Next question.


What?

No. Seriously. Shut up.


Whoa, why are you being such a dick?

I'm not being a dick, I'm just being real with you, Mayor McCheese. And, honestly, for reals, I just want you to shut the hell up and leave me alone.


Jesus. Fine. I don't care about your stupid FAQ anyway.

Good. And that wasn't a question.


Well, last time I asked a question you just yelled at me, and told me to shut the hell up.

No I didn't.


Yes you did. It was, like, the first thing you said.

Was that me?


It was.

I don't remember that.


You can just re-read this blog post. "Shut up" was literally the first answer you gave.

Well I didn't say "shut the hell up." You're making it sound worse than it actually was.


You said that in the second question.

No I didn't.


I mean the third question. I was all like, "Man, why are you being such a dick?" Then you said something about Mayor McCheese, and you told me to shut the hell up.

Oh, you're right. Sorry about that.


Sorry?

Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've just been pretty stressed out lately.


Well, why did you decide to write an FAQ blog entry if you weren't in the mood to answer questions?

Is that pronounced "Fack?" Or "Eff-ay-cue?"


Are you asking me a question now?

Sounds like it.


Umm...I think it's "eff-ay-cue."

Cool. Thanks. Can I borrow your bold?


My bold?

Why do you keep repeating me?


I don't know...that's just what I do to express incredulity.

Well stop it. It's hack-y.


Sorry.

It's fine. So, can I?


Are you going to start asking me questions, then?

I don't know yet.


Well, okay. You can have it. But can I start using italics?

Whatever you want.


Okay, cool.

Um...but you aren't going to use bold as well as italic, are you?


I guess not.

Thanks. I mean, I'm not trying to come off as some kind of control freak or anything, but y'know...I am borrowing your bold, and it wouldn't make sense if we were both still writing bold.


No, I get it. It's fine.

Thanks for being so understanding.


Were you going to ask me questions, then?

I guess I could. Um, so, why'd you get into acting?


Stupid question. And I already answered that in, like, a two part post that no one read.

I read it.


That's because you wrote it, brainiac.

Fair enough. Does it bother you when no one reads your blog?


No.

Seriously?


Well, I'll tell you two things I don't like, and I try not to do. The first is, I try to avoid apologizing for "not writing more often." Because usually I'm not sorry...I'm just lazy. And I don't want to apologize for being lazy, because I'd be apologizing all the damn time...and that's just not my style. The second thing I try not to do is: I try not to comment on the fact that the stuff I'm writing is not being read by anyone...because that's not why I write here.

Wait, isn't that the whole point of a blog? To have people read it?


I guess so...but I never expect people to actually read this stuff. I can't tell if that's low self-esteem, or just me being realistic. But, it's not like I'm writing anything particularly groundbreaking, provocative, or even interesting. For example, just re-read this post.

Well, why don't you write about more interesting stuff?


Interesting stuff is boring. Next question.

I don't know what that-


NEXT QUESTION!!!

Look. Dude. This...this just isn't working out.


What's wrong?

Well, for starters, the "ctrl-b" and "ctrl-i" shortcuts are really annoying, and inconsistent. Like, for some reason, every time I hit enter, ctrl-b, then ctrl-i to cancel my bold writing, and start italicized writing, Blogspot just makes the type both bold and italic.


Like this?

Exactly.


What happens if you just leave it, and don't press ctrl-b or ctrl-i?

This happens. It stays bold.


That's really frustrating.

Tell me about it.


Well, should we just wrap up this FAQ, then? Because it doesn't feel like we really got anywhere...and those technical problems are just frustrating you.

Yeah, maybe we should just stop. I doubt anyone's going to read this anyway. Oops. I mean...um...I don't know if I want people to read this. Yeah. That's it.


Are you going to post this to Facebook?

Sure. I guess so. Why not?


I feel like this is just going to bore a bunch of people...and you don't even know all of your Facebook friends that well.

Well, if they're interested, they'll click on the link. If not, then they'll just ignore it.


Are you ever going to do a real FAQ?

Maybe. Let's see how well this one is received and we'll go from there. I could. I mean...I'm sure there are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long time who are actually interested in the stuff that's going on in my life. But that could just be me projecting...because I'm always interested in the stuff going on in other peoples' lives. Maybe no one's interested at all...which is fine. I don't hold that against them...I've never thought of myself as particularly interesting to begin with. Especially not to strangers, or to people that I only know a little bit, or that I don't talk to at all any more. And those are the only people who might actually want an FAQ. I mean, all of my close friends already know what's going on in my life.

Wow. That last part got pretty serious, and boring. I thought this was going to be another one of those things where you gave funny answers to survey questions. Like this. Or even this.

Maybe next time.


Hey, shouldn't you post a picture here? So that the little thumbnail will be something that will make people want to read this blog?

Like, a girl in a bikini or something?


No, then you'd just get a bunch of dudes reading this. Maybe you should post a shot of some guy's six-pack abs, or something.

Probably still get a bunch of dudes. You're friends with a lot of gay guys.


Good point. Well...maybe I can come up with something in-between. Something like this: