Happy...but Sad News

Well, I say "sad" news only because it's "sad" how often I blogged way back when I didn't have a full time job.

Which brings me, stumblingly, to the crux of this blog post. I've got a day job now. Doing something-or-other with mortgages...I'm sure it's very important, once I actually figure out what it is. Now, the sad part is the part that's probably only sad for me, and our cats: since I won't be home nearly as much as before, I won't be blogging at the "nearly ripping" pace that I had been previously. Oh, don't worry...I'll still fire off the occasional fascinating review of frozen foods...or a drunken rant about "Archie" comic books (does anyone, seriously, still read those? Anyone?)

So it's "goodbye" for now, but not "goodbye" for now. Wait...I think I said that wrong. It's "goodbye" for now, but "farewell" forever. No, that's not it either. Ick, that sounds like I'm committing suicide, and I'm not...not until they make finally manage to finally make "suicide painless."

But I guess what I'm saying is: sorry. For anyone who actually reads this blog (judging from my crude mathematical equations and my "My Readers" list, it looks like there are about 5 of you...poor souls...), there might be a significantly lower output in the coming months than there had been in the previous four (not like I was freaking Stephen King or anything...but still...I was gettin' the word out there pretty dang good).

So "ta" for now, and if you're craving more writing from me (and why on God's green earth anyone would be doing that is beyond my comprehension), check out my blog archives. You'll find entries ranging from how I fell in love with a woman on a telephone book, to how to how I hate juice, to how I find it's awesome that two professional cheerleaders made out in a bathroom. Riveting stuff, really.

How To Kill A Tyler, in 3 Easy Steps

Step 1: Keep him up until 2:00 AM removing a set after his show has closed.

Step 2: On a "cruelly premature" daylight savings day (the absolute worst day of the year), wake him up at 6:45 AM and tell him to get his running shoes on.

Step 3: Make him run 5 kilometers (which, I believe, converts to 30 miles or so) in the driving wind and rain.


There it is. Now you all have the secret to my untimely demise. Pictures of said torture to follow...

I Have a Confession to Make...

So here's my confessions: sometimes when I blog, I'm not telling the whole truth. I may "fabricate" some things for comedic effect. For instance, I never actually threatened anyone (veiled or otherwise) in my "Friend Drive '07" post. That's what I like to call "comic exaggeration." It's just something I do to make my mundane life sound "fascinating." Also, the post I made about my "Valentines Day" gift to my lady? Well...I didn't actually give any of that stuff to her. In true romantic fashion, I ate it all right after I photographed it. Actually, if I remember correctly, that night we made some boxed noodle dish together, then watched a movie we'd rented, because we both (and I truly love Erika for this) think that Valentines Day is pretty retarded.

But I assure you, nothing in this post is fabricated or exaggerated (including the "currently watching" section. For reals. Shaq is actually "rapping" right now...).

So, giving you this coveted knowledge, I will move forward. Yesterday I had a mantinee performance of Laughter on the 23rd Floor (tickets still available), and the first thing I noticed when I got home was a pleasant aroma. Something along the lines of "cooked food," only better. I was intrigued. I come upstairs to see my woman (pictured below) had not only cleaned our entire living room carpet, but was now tending to three different pans heating on the stove.



Now, normally when I'm presented with a situation like this, I got to jump into action and help out. There's rolls to be toasted...or salad to be mixed...or garlic to be pressed...or something. But no, Erika's got it all under control, and we pass the time talking about how my show went (FYI it went fine. Fine was settled. The show was...fine...)



Finally, what can only be described as a "gourmet meal" is finished. We eat it in front of the TV (reason #4,253 why Erika totally rules), and the menu consists of (and forgive me if I can't come up with "really cool" names for the stuff she put together):

-- Herb salad with homemade vinegarette dressing, carmelized walnuts, and crumbled blue cheese

-- Sauteed chicken breast halves with creamy walnut sauce

-- Buttered cheddar-green onion muffins

-- Fresh peas with sauteed onions and turkey bacon

-- 2005 Snoqualmie Chardonnay



Now, when I tell you that the meal was one of the best I've ever had, you've got to remember the "non-exaggeration" caveat that I placed at the beginning of this blog entry. It was freaking awesome. But in addition to that, it was all "healthy," from some health food magazine.

Then to top it off, the young lady made two dozen peanut butter oatmeal cookies which were served warm with milk (those were not so healthy...but who cares).



(Just to update those that were curious...Kazaam just turned human, and told his master: "You don't need me any more," to which the kid pleaded, "Please, Kazaam...don't leave me!" Heart-wrenching stuff...punched up with a swelling orchestral score)

Now, why would Erika go through all this trouble? Had we just had a fight...or was it a birthday...or an anniversary? Nope. Just a normal Sunday night...and she felt like cooking. I mean...damn, when people ask me, "So, tell me about Erika," I'm not always able to give a coherent response detailing just how amazing this woman is, and I'll end up cracking wise or something. But hopefully, with this post, you've got some idea now just how incredible she is...and that's just the tip of the iceberg, honestly. No exaggeration.

Things I Could Do Without

I listen a lot. In fact, one could argue that I "listen" far more than I actually "talk." I also "pee blood" far more often than I "watch the Oxygen network."

Now, having said that, from all this listening (and not watching hit shows like "Grace Under Fire," I've found myself hating different phrases...three in particular have drawn my ire:

-- "Now that's what I call a..." (i.e. "Now that's what I call a good answer," "Now that's what I call a guitar solo," "Now That's What I Call Music!") First off, I have a few minor issues with the grammatical structure of this cliché, but even aside from that...it's just a little too goofy. I mean, regardless of whether a guitar solo is good or not, doesn't everyone agree that it's a "guitar solo?" What makes you so special that you have also declared it a "guitar solo?" Never made any dang sense to me...and I have a college degree...and an I.Q. in the high 30s...and shin splints...what was I talking about again...?

-- "Who says..." (i.e. "Who says science can't be fun?" "Who says safe computing must remain a pipe dream?" "Who says student activism is dead?") I must say, this one irks me the most. I mean, I love me a good rhetorical question to make a point, such as: "Have you ever pondered the rainbow?" or something equally profound/retarded. But please, please, never use this goddamn phrase. What bothers me is that people assume that everyone is saying the same thing, yet that's not true. I've never said science can't be fun, so I'm curious…who does say that? And why? Who would even care if someone said that (other than the author of the "who says" sentence) And really…someone said that student activism is dead? Really? Have they been on a college campus recently? Again, the person who uses this phrase is thinking a little too highly of their own vaunted opinion.

-- "What part of ____ don't you understand?" (i.e. "What part of 'illegal' don't you understand?" "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" "What part of 'Thou shalt not kill' don't you understand?") Oh boy, do I hate this one…mostly because it's the favorite tool of political reactionaries (the first and last are popular slogans of the anti-immigration and the pro-life crowd, respectively…the second is anti-rape, which is hard to mock…but is no less annoyingly self-satisfied). Again, this person is heavily vaunting their own opinion, to the point where they're questioning the vocabulary of their intended (and you know me...how I love me some vocabulary). Truly awful.

Sorry, not much for funny this week. In recompense, check this out: Super Man Is A Dick.

Christ Almighty, is it Valentines Day Again?

Anyone who knows me knows that there is one true thing about me: I loves me some Valentines Day. For me, it's an event that is more cherished than Christmas, Flag Day, Shmini Atzeret, Layla tul Qadr, and my damn birthday all put together. So I celebrated today in style. Tyler style.

First things first, sleep in until about 11:00. I know it's a tough life I'm living, and every ounce of my body wants to leap out of bed and face the day. But no...not today friends...not today. I forced myself to stay put until the dreaded "sleep-in guilt" had taken a strong enough hold. Then, with all the power of a "27 year old man getting out of bed," I got up.

Next step on this day-of-days: romancing. Luckily, I have a special woman in my life. Not only did I go through the tremendous, arduous effort of leaving her a comment with a glittery rose bleeding into a wine glass or something...I also gave what is just about the sweetest picture comment a woman could ever ask for.

But that's not all I done for my woman. People always say "the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach." This always confused me, because I'd always thought it would be quicker to go through the rib cage -- but I guess that's why I failed medical school (that, along with "never applying").

So to get straight to my woman's heart (by way of stomach), I set out to make her a super-romantic dinner. Now, I've been watching a lot of "Top Chef" these last few weeks, and I realized (from watching) just how important "presentation" was to a meal. So, my first step was to prepare an appetizer, or as they call it in the professional chef business, an "amused bush." So I whipped up a little something I like to call "Lightly Spiced Toasted Corn Tortillas with Stewed Tomato and Jalepeno Pico De Gallo."


Damn that looks good

Next stop: the main course. Or, as they call it in the business, "The Main Course." I thought to myself: what does Erika like? When that stumped me, I continued to think to myself, "Hell, what does everyone like?" The answer to that: PIZZA! But wait...Top Chef has prepared me to not just cook up a pizza, slice it, and put it on a plate. Today is a special day, dammit...a day of romance...a day of celebration. And what's more romantic and celebratory than a pizza shaped like a heart? I'll tell you: not a damn thing. So I cooked up a delicious Totino's Pizza (and for those of you loving on a budget, they're 10 for $10 at Safeway this week!!!), and lovingly cut it into the shape that just screams "I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!!!" I garnished it with a banana (which looks just like a beautiful crescent moon, one of Erika's favorite things) and a Coke (which looks like a beautiful full moon, one of Erika's favorite things).


How did I do that!!!?

Last step (and arguably the most important), is desert. Now, I don't have the time (or intelligence) to make something from scratch, so I've got to think on my feet. What do we have that would make a good desert? Then it hits me (or actually I "hit" it when I was scrambling around the kitchen, blinded by tears of fears) -- Erika just bought a dutch apple pie a couple of days ago. It should still be good, right? But you know me, I've been learning how to be all romantic from TV...so I garnished it with something I know Erika loves...for a fact:


Goldfish are for Lovers

But that's not all. You know and I know that Erika loves having the house clean when she comes home from work. That's why I like to "pitch in" to keep the house "sparkling" (almost as sparkling as that beautiful dying rose I put on Erika's MySpace page). Now the one thing that we both hate doing is the dishes. So, I spent a good twenty minutes cleaning all of those dirty dishes that had been piling up in our sink:


Before & After

Now, I could've put them away...but let's be real here -- I have no idea where anything goes. Hell, I haven't opened our cabinets since we moved in. Actually, if you asked me, straight up, "What is a cabinet?" I couldn't tell you in a million years. No joke.

Next chore: make the bed. Now, this one has always been tricky for me, because I've never really been able to wrap my enormous head around the whole "Why make the bed if it's only going to get un-made when you sleep in it?" question. But today I decided to make an exception...and just make the darn thing. Now, Erika's always tried to show me the "correct way" to do this thing (something about a "comforter" "sheet" and "blanket" or something). I just sorta' improvised a bit, but I think I did a pretty fine job:


Before & After

As for the "last part" of the evening...well...that's my specialty really, but unfortunately I can't go into any details here (because eww...gross...). However, I will give you a bit of a sneak peek into just what the young lady has in store for her. I'ma put on her favorite outfit (and I must say that I look positively ravishing in it), lay across the freshly made bed...and beckon. That's all it's going to take: one little beckon. Anyhow, any ladies out there reading this...just imagine the special man in your life looking as good as I do here, and try...just try to resist...I dare you...


Irresistable

A Lean Cuisine Review: Chicken Tuscan

I realized that I was down to only a few Lean Cuisines today -- couple of those delicious panininininis, and the dinner I had been avoiding all week. Chicken Tuscan. I purchased it with the express intention of never actually eating it...it was sorta' like "that nice bottle of scotch you keep unopened in your bar"...or maybe "Kelly Ripa."

But I was really down to it today, so I thought, "Meh, why not." Now, the first thing I think of when hear the word "Tuscan" is this little guy:


(Erika, I'll explain this to you later)

But, sadly, I was not attacked by Sand People when I took the box out of our freezer. Instead, to my great dismay, the cooking instructions flickered across the back: "Peel film cover back from vegetable portion of tray. Add 1 tablespoon of water to vegetables; re-cover." Those included my two least favorite instrucions of all time: "Add" and "Re-cover." I don't mind making slits, even removing covers...but "re-covering?" Unbelievable. Unacceptable! Nooooo!!!

But I did it, as you can see here.



I was not happy about it, and you can be sure that I punched several of our cabinets in rage when I learned about it. Also, did you notice the little drawing of broccoli in the upper-left corner of the box? I think it's giving me the finger? But I digress.

I had another nice little surprise. One of our cats (the stupid one) had decided to set up shop in front of our microwave.



I removed the little freak, and cooked my Chicken Tuscan for an unacceptably long seven-and-a-half minutes. Damn, I was already getting angry, and I hadn't even seen the finished product.

But, seven-and-a-damn-half minutes later here she is...in all of her Tuscan glory:



But I gotta' tell you, it smells pretty good. Not "Chicken with Almonds" good...but good none-the-less. Here's my plate-by-plate comparison:



It was only at this point that I noticed something -- someone had accidentally dropped a fungus onto my food. Something that is spawned in poo has managed to crawl its way onto my plate. This will not stand. So, as tradition holds, I now remove all the parts of the meal that do not agree with me. In this case, I must be rid of this vile fungus, as well as my old nemesis, broccoli.



I tried to save as many carrots as I could...because it's not the carrot's fault that they got lumped together with the insidious broccoli. I think I did a decent job. This nasty (but neccesary) task accomplished, I gather all that is needed to eat this faire (a spoon, a Sprite, some hunger), and dig in.



And here's what I end up with (as you can see, some "devil poop mold" has evaded all of my efforts to track it down):



Well, I'll tell you what, friends...not bad. Not bad at all. The sauce had a little bit of a something-or-other in it that made it a bit tangy (not Orange Peel Chicken tangy...but a more acceptable level that teased the buds without trying to burn them).

The chicken (and there seemed to be an surprisingly high amount of it) had a little bit of something green on it. I'm going to call it "pesto" because it was colored green, and I don't know any other herb names. Anyhow, it was a good choice, because the chicken actually managed to come out of the microwave pretty tender...add that with the spices, and I think the chicken might have been able to stand on its own here.

And they didn't try anything fancy with the noodles -- they weren't all colored weird, or mixed with vegetables or anything. Nope, this was just a nice, linguine-thickness noodle that wasn't so long it couldn't be spooned up.

So, what I when eating this was: I mixed the "vegetables" (carrots, after I'd had my way) with the main dish, and sorta' grabbed spoonfulls of each item. When I managed to get chicken, noodles, and carrots all in one mouthful, it was a very pleasing experience. All the ingredients working in symphony to create an arrangement rivaling the majesty of the "Chicken Yodel." Now, on to the final scoring:

Prep: This is about as bad as it gets -- I'm making a frozen dinner, not a real dinner. Wise up, Mr. Cuisine. 3

Appearance: Not too bad...I mean, the box didn't look all that great to begin with...so the cooked meal gave you just about what you were expecting. 7

Taste: Very nice. Tangy enough that I'm still feeling it a bit 5 minutes later. Hell, I'm seriously considering sopping some of that sauce up with a piece of bread. But I won't...becuase that borders on "sad." 9

Filling: Also feeling quite filled up. This is what a dinner-plate should feel like when she's done. 8

Cool Factor: Well, the whole Tusken Raider connection automatically makes this dish pretty cool...too bad they screwed up their possible great scores with including the two worst foods ever invented: broccoli and mushrooms. 7

Final Score: 6.8

I Said I'd Never Add A Song...

Well...I lied. But this is only because I found the most moving, touching, and frankly, "good" piece of music my ears ever laid eyes on. I must say...I cried when I heard "Chicken Yodel" the first time.

I dare you...no...double dare you...no...just "single dare" you...to listen to the entire song.