This year's tax return was quite a shock, for a number of reasons. The first (and most important) being that, for the first time since I was a teenager, I owed money. Not just "money," but a substantial amount of money.
So I decided, after consulting with a few "entertainment biz" colleagues, to see if an "accountant" could improve my numbers at all.
I assembled all of my 2010 receipts...laboriously went through my checking account statement...and printed out about 100 pages worth of tax document information from the current and previous year. I was planning on writing off as much as I legally could.
I brought it to the accountant...who was a very unconventional, borderline slovenly older gentleman dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He spent about 10 minutes looking at my assembled tax documents:
"I see that you put all of your deductions on your Schedule C."
"Yep." I guess that's the name of the document the HR Block software used.
"Makes sense. That's the only was you're going to get any money back."
He continued flipping through my documents, looking a little nervous. "So, Tyler, are you familiar with the hobby loss rule?"
"Um...no."
"Basically, it's an IRS law that says if you lose money on your business in three of five years, it's considered a hobby, not a job."
"Oh."
Awesome. So this meant I probably wasn't going to do much better on my tax return (shortly after the hobby loss discussion, he said, "I'm going to be brutally honest with you; I can't help you. I'm not going to take your money, but I suggest you just eat the cost.").
But not only that, it also meant that I'm not sure I can call myself a professional actor any more; technically. I mean, I'll still do it...because it sounds cool. but according to the IRS, I currently have a very expensive "acting hobby."
Don't worry -- you haven't stumbled upon a "Woe is me!!! I'm not famooose yet!" blog entry that every actor with a blog posts a minimum of once a year.
On the contrary...I've never wanted, nor expected fame and fortune. I mean, my goal from the moment I moved to Los Angeles was to be a "working actor." It hasn't happened yet, but that's why it's a "goal," not an "expectation." If it never happens...then so be it. I tried, like hundreds of thousands that have come before me, and I didn't quite get there. It's totally fine, and I'm prepared for it.
But ideally, of course, I'd like to be a working actor. I'm trying, sure, but I definitely could be doing more. I think that's one of the great fallacies that actors buy into -- the "I've worked my ass off, and I have nothing to show for it" whine. Not everyone works their ass off as much as they should/could/say they do. It's a lie that actors tell themselves to excuse their lack of success. Most "actors" have day jobs that consume too much of their time...or they watch television...or play video games...or take on a non-acting hobby of some kind...and time gets wasted.
Then again, only crazy people are actually thinking about how to improve their acting careers every waking hour...and crazy people are generally pretty terrible actors (in spite of what you may have heard).
Another lie actors tell themselves is: "It's just a matter of time" (I tell this lie to myself all the time, in an effort to stay positive). I mean...that's true for some people, but for a lot of people it's just another excuse for the inevitable depressing career examination. For most folks, no matter how hard they try, no matter how much effort the into it, and no matter how long they try, they're probably not going to reach the level of success they desire/deserve.
Success is a funny thing. I've been around quite a bit of success...which is what prompted this blog entry, I suppose. I've worked with two Tony winners (one also has a Pulitzer, the other owns a Peabody), an American Idol Runner-Up, six actors that are currently (or will soon be) appearing on Broadway, and countless others with Broadway credits, legitimate film and television credits, and popular voice-over credits (including the voice of Portal's GlaDOS).
If you couldn't tell, I love name dropping.
The point is (is there a point?) I've seen success happen. For the most part, when I knew these people they weren't successful working actors; they were struggling local actors who became successful through hard work, talent, perseverance, and good fortune.
And of course, success was richly deserved by each person.
Now, if I were the jealous type, I'd be pretty disheartened by all of this. "Why not me???" an annoying person might moan. But I'm not that guy (for the most part). I'm proud of all of them, and honored to have known them before they hit it big. I consider them friends, and I think they'd consider me likewise.
But what about my "career?" Personally, I don't think my time has passed, to be delusionally frank (it's just a matter of time!!!), and I don't think I'll ever give up on it. When I look back at my silly little life, even if I don't ultimately become a success in the entertainment industry, I can always be proud of the fact that I moved to Los Angeles, tried to achieve all of my dreams, and came pretty damn close.
So I'll keep trying...because nothing's stopping me, really. There will be some months where I'm working very hard, and doing a lot. There will be other months where I'm just sorta' sitting on my ass, doing nothing. But I don't see myself ever really stopping. If it's a job, or just a hobby, I don't think I'll ever stop acting.
And if success happens; cool. If not...well damn; at least I tried.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Coming to Los Angeles Part 3: Living in Los Angeles
"Hi, Tyler," you sneer, "where should I live?"
The truth is...if you want to be "available" for the acting stuff, you could live pretty much anywhere you like, as long as you can get to downtown Los Angeles in about two hours, during rush hour (ask Google Maps what that means). Ask anyone who lives outside of town -- they will all say: "Aw, the commute's not that bad." And, in spite of what you've heard about the evils of Los Angeles traffic...generally, it isn't that bad.
"But Tyler," you simper, "I hear there's lots of crime happening in Los Angeles. Should I be worried?"
Good question. Crime is bad, and if you're really concerned, you'll probably want to live in an area with a low crime rate (and if you want to drive yourself berserk with a bunch of terrifying interactive maps and statistics, go here: http://projects.latimes.com/mapping-la/crime/).
But the truth of the matter is, no matter where you are -- from Inglewood to Brentwood, from Compton to Calabasas, from Watts to Westwood -- people have to live. There are no "war zones" in Los Angeles, in spite of how scary it might look on the outside, and in spite of the looming specter of "gangs" and "drugz."
The neighborhood that looks like "the ghetto," is probably full of families who are just going about their day-to-day business. I guarantee you it's safer than it looks. Our first year, we lived in Silver Lake, which is one of the nicest areas east of Hollywood...but whenever we had visitors, we would be inundated with sirens and police helicopters. We knew we were safe, but to the outsider, it can seem quite scary.
On the other hand, I had a friend who moved to Los Angeles and lived in a very upscale apartment in Westwood (one of the nicest areas west of Hollywood). On her first night in the city, a SWAT team was called in to arrest one of the tenants of her building.
But generally, things are safer than they seem. Having said that, though...no one wants to live in a bad neighborhood. It sucks. It's loud, irritating, and scary (especially at night). It's not necessarily "dangerous," but all the same, it may sound like common sense, but I'm going to say it anyway: the better the neighborhood, the better the neighbor.
So, a general guideline? Stay north of the 10 (except for Culver City), west of the 110 (except for Pasadena), south of the 118 (unless you love really long commutes), and east of Malibu (if you can afford to live in the 'Bu, then more power to you...but you might want to use all that goddamn money you have to live a little closer to the action). That ought to put you in a good-ish area, close enough to all of the actor-type places you'll need to get to.
"Hey Tyler," you bleat, "why do you keep calling freeways 'The [freeway number]?'"
Good question. That's just how they do it here. Don't ask me. I spent most of my life traveling on "405", "99" and "I-5". Now every freeway has a "the" in front of it. I personally don't care for it...but when in Rome, right?
Los Angeles is divided up into three main areas -- The Valley (San Fernando Valley), Hollywood (The area just south of the Hollywood Hills, to just north of the 10) and "Everywhere else" (if you live outside of one of those two areas, you'll have to say the name, then possibly explain where it is using well-known areas -- for instance, I live in Tujunga, which is north of Glendale and La Crescenta, and just south of Sunland...which is how I describe it to everyone who asks).
"So, Tyler," you squeal, "what's the best place to live?"
Good question. It totally depends on your situation. Generally, if you want to be near the places that you need to be at as an actor, Hollywood is probably the best place to live. Most of the commercial audition studios (I'll discuss those later) are in the Hollywood area, and the majority of the casting offices are around there too. Of course, not everyone wants to live in Hollywood, because it's really expensive, and really crowded. It's like living in Manhattan, but without any viable means of public transportation. So if you're into that, then by all means...
But from what I can tell, no one actually lives in Hollywood. No one. Trust me, I've looked. It's too expensive, and crowded (did I say that already? I can't remember...). But if you find a place, and you like being pestered all the time, then go for it.
But other than that, the places that are famous for being full of rich folks (Beverly Hills, Brentwood, Bel Air, Westwood, anywhere in the Hollywood Hills) are, of course, going to be good places to live. Also, any neighborhood with a large gay population (West Hollywood and Silver Lake) is likewise going to be a great place to live.
So, what are some other choices, for you people that can't afford $3,000 a month in rent?
Personally, like all people in the Los Angeles area, I'm completely biased toward the places that I've lived. So I'd recommend you live there too.
I loved living in Silver Lake. It's a lovely, well-located area that's away from the throbbing beat of Hollywood and Downtown Los Angeles, you can get pretty much anywhere in 15 minutes -- including places up in the valley (no need for freeways, though those are all easy enough to get to).
Silver Lake is next to Atwater Village and Glendale, and the same rules apply to those places. Some areas of Glendale may appear to be a little scary, but they're not. The only real scary place around Glendale is "Glassell Park." Actually, now that I think about it, any area with the word "Park" in it is one to avoid.
As for "the valley," the closer to the Hollywood Hills you can get, the better the living situation. Burbank is, of course, quite lovely...and quite expensive. Same goes for Studio City, Toluca Lake, and Sherman Oaks.
For the budget-minded (you poor non-rich bastards), the southern part of North Hollywood is still good (but definitely check out the neighborhood before you move...in and around the Arts District is best). Valley Village and Sherman Village are both good (much like "Park" is a warning sign, "Village" is generally a good thing).
Once you get too far north, and/or too far west in the valley, you start to run into problems. Van Nuys gets crappy very quickly. Same goes for Northridge, Granada Hills, Chatsworth, North Hills, Reseda, Porter Ranch, and Winnetka. I honestly don't know a lot about these areas, and the quality varies greatly (I'm sure there are nice areas there too) but in general, I'd be very careful in selecting a house/apartment in the area.
Avoid Sun Valley, Pacoima, and San Fernando. Those places just give me the willies...don't know why. You might find something nice...but just be very careful.
As for the area south of the Hollywood Hills, you're pretty much good anywhere you go, so long as you're north of the 10 freeway (except for MacArthur Park and Downtown, which tend to get very skeevy).
If none of these do you any good, you can go to the "farther out" places that are still relatively clean and acceptable. I hear Eagle Rock is nice, but every time I go there, I secretly hate it. Same with Culver City -- it looks fine, and I like the idea...but for some reason it's always seems either overcrowded, or dirty, or too far out, or...I don't know. I just don't like it.
Pasadena/Altadena (really the same place) is nice, but it's a drive, and it can be expensive (especially the closer you are to downtown Pasadena). La Crescenta/Montrose (actually they are the same place) is also quite nice, but it's very expensive for as far out as it is.
[edit] After receiving some feedback from a dear friend and blog contributor, apparently Echo Park is becoming a nice place to live, I quote: "still affordable and more gentrified everyday." Apparently, now there is even an organic smoothie shop, the existence of which I think might trump the "every area with the word 'park' in it is a bad area. Personally, I have my doubts. I ran around the little pond in Echo Park one time, and it smelled vaguely of (what I hope was dog or goose) feces. But I wouldn't hold the quality of the park against the rest of the neighborhood, which (from what I recall) looked quite lovely.
As for the rest? Hell, I don't know...maybe they're little diamonds in the rough, and you'll be the first one to colonize the "Next Silver Lake" (which is supposedly Eagle Rock...so maybe you'll be looking for the "Next Eagle Rock"). You'll move here and be like, "Wow, Huntington Park is a fantastic place to live, even though it has the word 'Park' in the name!!!" Or "Everyone's moving to Panorama City!!! CATCH THE WAVE!!!!!!"
Best advice -- visit the place you want to live at night. If you get panhandled in front of your house, or if you get mugged or shot, odds are you're in a bad place.
"Well, Tyler," you grumble, "is there anything else I need to know?"
Good question. I don't think so. If there is, I haven't thought of it, so it's probably not that important. Odds are, if you live in an apartment, your next-door neighbor is going to play his/her music way too loud. It's a fact of life -- the dumber the person, the louder they like their music (by the way, if you are that next door neighbor that plays their music way too loud, then I hate you; no one else wants to hear your music, so put headphones on, or turn it down you egocentric jag-off).
As for laws, security deposits, pets, scams, and all of that other boring stuff? I don't know, really...I haven't had any problems, and I don't know anyone who's had serious problems with that stuff. Most folks here like their landlords, and if they don't, they probably live in a crappy neighborhood. Caveat emptor...
Finding places to look at can be a challenge, especially if you're on a budget, or you have special needs. We mainly used Craigslist, but it can be helpful to just drive around neighborhoods you like, and look for "For Rent" signs. It can be a little time-consuming, as well as gas-consuming, but it's a great way to get a lay of the land while you're visiting, looking for a place to live.
"Dude, Tyler," you croon, in a velvety tone that immediately commands respect and admiration, "I will ONLY live in the 'parks'. Affordable, diverse, safe (unless you are in a gang) and really great food and music. And as the gentrification wave spreads east the new hotspot is gonna be Highland Park- mark my words."
Good question. Perhaps I've been a bit unfair to the "______ Park" areas of Los Angeles...so I should explain, and perhaps reiterate some things.
First, the reiteration -- every neighborhood is livable. You can tell it's livable, because people live there. Many people. And the vast majority of them are good, honest, decent human beings who have their own stuff to worry about...meaning they'll leave you alone (if you want them to).
Also, I should point out, that if you're a young, pretty, skinny Caucasian female (you know, the ones that the media likes talking about), then you could easily walk by yourself at night, through the worst neighborhoods in Los Angeles, every night, for 365 days straight, and nothing bad would happen to you. I can almost guarantee that you'd be totally fine...and other than a few catcalls, some panhandling, and maybe a little intimidation, you'd be left completely alone.
But...
The real issue is: "How much are you willing to put up with to live in an affordable/centrally located neighborhood." Yes, most of these affordable areas are quite culturally rich, with people from all walks of life, making for a variable tapestry of human experience. You'll get to know the guy who runs the local bodega. You'll be familiar (even possibly friendly) with the homeless people that frequent your street corners. You'll get to experience trying to communicate with shopkeepers that don't speak your language. You'll be buying all kinds of non-FDA approved groceries with not a lick of English on the package. Fruit will come fresher. Stores will be intimate, and family-owned. You'll feel like you're a part of the neighborhood, more so than you would living somewhere "nicer." It can be, honestly, a very enriching experience.
But, on the down side living there can be loud, and intrusive...especially if you choose to live in an apartment complex (which you probably will). Most of your neighbors will be great...but the bad ones will be just horrible. You'll have to get used to hearing domestic disputes. Babies crying. Sirens. Low-flying helicopters. Loud cars. Dogs barking. You'll see lots of garbage in the streets. Stray cats. Rats. Broken glass. You'll experience uncaring landlords, and probably be living in old, run-down properties.
For some people, it's totally worth it. They can put on headphones. Turn up the TV. Patch up holes in the drywall. Get used to the smell of mold. And (generally) shut out the outside world (or learn to love it / live with it). It's entirely possible, because the outside world will absolutely leave you alone if you want it to.
People who don't mind this are the people who stayed in Youth Hostels when they visited Europe (instead of private rooms), or the people who lived in a house with eight other people in college. They're not bothered by the little inconveniences in life.
I envy those people, because I'm not one of them (and my wife even less so). I like quiet nights on the couch, and silence when I go to bed. I don't want to listen to the couple next door screaming at each other in Spanish (or Russian, or Armenian). I don't want my neighbor to be arrested by a SWAT team one night. I don't want to be bitten when I'm walking with my wife and a pit bull escapes from his enclosure. I could never tolerate the smell of garbage. And (like I mentioned earlier) I don't want to hear someone else's music. Ever.
So that's my take on that. If you're a quiet, unassuming suburban kid (like myself), you'll probably want to spend a little more to live in a nicer neighborhood. If you're urban, or in love with everything urban, then by all means...get thee to a _____ Park.
It's your call.
"Yo, Tyler," you speak using your mouth organ, "can I stay with you while I look for a place?"
Good question. No.
The truth is...if you want to be "available" for the acting stuff, you could live pretty much anywhere you like, as long as you can get to downtown Los Angeles in about two hours, during rush hour (ask Google Maps what that means). Ask anyone who lives outside of town -- they will all say: "Aw, the commute's not that bad." And, in spite of what you've heard about the evils of Los Angeles traffic...generally, it isn't that bad.
"But Tyler," you simper, "I hear there's lots of crime happening in Los Angeles. Should I be worried?"
Good question. Crime is bad, and if you're really concerned, you'll probably want to live in an area with a low crime rate (and if you want to drive yourself berserk with a bunch of terrifying interactive maps and statistics, go here: http://projects.latimes.com/mapping-la/crime/).
But the truth of the matter is, no matter where you are -- from Inglewood to Brentwood, from Compton to Calabasas, from Watts to Westwood -- people have to live. There are no "war zones" in Los Angeles, in spite of how scary it might look on the outside, and in spite of the looming specter of "gangs" and "drugz."
The neighborhood that looks like "the ghetto," is probably full of families who are just going about their day-to-day business. I guarantee you it's safer than it looks. Our first year, we lived in Silver Lake, which is one of the nicest areas east of Hollywood...but whenever we had visitors, we would be inundated with sirens and police helicopters. We knew we were safe, but to the outsider, it can seem quite scary.
On the other hand, I had a friend who moved to Los Angeles and lived in a very upscale apartment in Westwood (one of the nicest areas west of Hollywood). On her first night in the city, a SWAT team was called in to arrest one of the tenants of her building.
But generally, things are safer than they seem. Having said that, though...no one wants to live in a bad neighborhood. It sucks. It's loud, irritating, and scary (especially at night). It's not necessarily "dangerous," but all the same, it may sound like common sense, but I'm going to say it anyway: the better the neighborhood, the better the neighbor.
So, a general guideline? Stay north of the 10 (except for Culver City), west of the 110 (except for Pasadena), south of the 118 (unless you love really long commutes), and east of Malibu (if you can afford to live in the 'Bu, then more power to you...but you might want to use all that goddamn money you have to live a little closer to the action). That ought to put you in a good-ish area, close enough to all of the actor-type places you'll need to get to.
"Hey Tyler," you bleat, "why do you keep calling freeways 'The [freeway number]?'"
Good question. That's just how they do it here. Don't ask me. I spent most of my life traveling on "405", "99" and "I-5". Now every freeway has a "the" in front of it. I personally don't care for it...but when in Rome, right?
Los Angeles is divided up into three main areas -- The Valley (San Fernando Valley), Hollywood (The area just south of the Hollywood Hills, to just north of the 10) and "Everywhere else" (if you live outside of one of those two areas, you'll have to say the name, then possibly explain where it is using well-known areas -- for instance, I live in Tujunga, which is north of Glendale and La Crescenta, and just south of Sunland...which is how I describe it to everyone who asks).
"So, Tyler," you squeal, "what's the best place to live?"
Good question. It totally depends on your situation. Generally, if you want to be near the places that you need to be at as an actor, Hollywood is probably the best place to live. Most of the commercial audition studios (I'll discuss those later) are in the Hollywood area, and the majority of the casting offices are around there too. Of course, not everyone wants to live in Hollywood, because it's really expensive, and really crowded. It's like living in Manhattan, but without any viable means of public transportation. So if you're into that, then by all means...
But from what I can tell, no one actually lives in Hollywood. No one. Trust me, I've looked. It's too expensive, and crowded (did I say that already? I can't remember...). But if you find a place, and you like being pestered all the time, then go for it.
But other than that, the places that are famous for being full of rich folks (Beverly Hills, Brentwood, Bel Air, Westwood, anywhere in the Hollywood Hills) are, of course, going to be good places to live. Also, any neighborhood with a large gay population (West Hollywood and Silver Lake) is likewise going to be a great place to live.
So, what are some other choices, for you people that can't afford $3,000 a month in rent?
Personally, like all people in the Los Angeles area, I'm completely biased toward the places that I've lived. So I'd recommend you live there too.
I loved living in Silver Lake. It's a lovely, well-located area that's away from the throbbing beat of Hollywood and Downtown Los Angeles, you can get pretty much anywhere in 15 minutes -- including places up in the valley (no need for freeways, though those are all easy enough to get to).
Silver Lake is next to Atwater Village and Glendale, and the same rules apply to those places. Some areas of Glendale may appear to be a little scary, but they're not. The only real scary place around Glendale is "Glassell Park." Actually, now that I think about it, any area with the word "Park" in it is one to avoid.
As for "the valley," the closer to the Hollywood Hills you can get, the better the living situation. Burbank is, of course, quite lovely...and quite expensive. Same goes for Studio City, Toluca Lake, and Sherman Oaks.
For the budget-minded (you poor non-rich bastards), the southern part of North Hollywood is still good (but definitely check out the neighborhood before you move...in and around the Arts District is best). Valley Village and Sherman Village are both good (much like "Park" is a warning sign, "Village" is generally a good thing).
Once you get too far north, and/or too far west in the valley, you start to run into problems. Van Nuys gets crappy very quickly. Same goes for Northridge, Granada Hills, Chatsworth, North Hills, Reseda, Porter Ranch, and Winnetka. I honestly don't know a lot about these areas, and the quality varies greatly (I'm sure there are nice areas there too) but in general, I'd be very careful in selecting a house/apartment in the area.
Avoid Sun Valley, Pacoima, and San Fernando. Those places just give me the willies...don't know why. You might find something nice...but just be very careful.
As for the area south of the Hollywood Hills, you're pretty much good anywhere you go, so long as you're north of the 10 freeway (except for MacArthur Park and Downtown, which tend to get very skeevy).
If none of these do you any good, you can go to the "farther out" places that are still relatively clean and acceptable. I hear Eagle Rock is nice, but every time I go there, I secretly hate it. Same with Culver City -- it looks fine, and I like the idea...but for some reason it's always seems either overcrowded, or dirty, or too far out, or...I don't know. I just don't like it.
Pasadena/Altadena (really the same place) is nice, but it's a drive, and it can be expensive (especially the closer you are to downtown Pasadena). La Crescenta/Montrose (actually they are the same place) is also quite nice, but it's very expensive for as far out as it is.
[edit] After receiving some feedback from a dear friend and blog contributor, apparently Echo Park is becoming a nice place to live, I quote: "still affordable and more gentrified everyday." Apparently, now there is even an organic smoothie shop, the existence of which I think might trump the "every area with the word 'park' in it is a bad area. Personally, I have my doubts. I ran around the little pond in Echo Park one time, and it smelled vaguely of (what I hope was dog or goose) feces. But I wouldn't hold the quality of the park against the rest of the neighborhood, which (from what I recall) looked quite lovely.
As for the rest? Hell, I don't know...maybe they're little diamonds in the rough, and you'll be the first one to colonize the "Next Silver Lake" (which is supposedly Eagle Rock...so maybe you'll be looking for the "Next Eagle Rock"). You'll move here and be like, "Wow, Huntington Park is a fantastic place to live, even though it has the word 'Park' in the name!!!" Or "Everyone's moving to Panorama City!!! CATCH THE WAVE!!!!!!"
Best advice -- visit the place you want to live at night. If you get panhandled in front of your house, or if you get mugged or shot, odds are you're in a bad place.
"Well, Tyler," you grumble, "is there anything else I need to know?"
Good question. I don't think so. If there is, I haven't thought of it, so it's probably not that important. Odds are, if you live in an apartment, your next-door neighbor is going to play his/her music way too loud. It's a fact of life -- the dumber the person, the louder they like their music (by the way, if you are that next door neighbor that plays their music way too loud, then I hate you; no one else wants to hear your music, so put headphones on, or turn it down you egocentric jag-off).
As for laws, security deposits, pets, scams, and all of that other boring stuff? I don't know, really...I haven't had any problems, and I don't know anyone who's had serious problems with that stuff. Most folks here like their landlords, and if they don't, they probably live in a crappy neighborhood. Caveat emptor...
Finding places to look at can be a challenge, especially if you're on a budget, or you have special needs. We mainly used Craigslist, but it can be helpful to just drive around neighborhoods you like, and look for "For Rent" signs. It can be a little time-consuming, as well as gas-consuming, but it's a great way to get a lay of the land while you're visiting, looking for a place to live.
"Dude, Tyler," you croon, in a velvety tone that immediately commands respect and admiration, "I will ONLY live in the 'parks'. Affordable, diverse, safe (unless you are in a gang) and really great food and music. And as the gentrification wave spreads east the new hotspot is gonna be Highland Park- mark my words."
Good question. Perhaps I've been a bit unfair to the "______ Park" areas of Los Angeles...so I should explain, and perhaps reiterate some things.
First, the reiteration -- every neighborhood is livable. You can tell it's livable, because people live there. Many people. And the vast majority of them are good, honest, decent human beings who have their own stuff to worry about...meaning they'll leave you alone (if you want them to).
Also, I should point out, that if you're a young, pretty, skinny Caucasian female (you know, the ones that the media likes talking about), then you could easily walk by yourself at night, through the worst neighborhoods in Los Angeles, every night, for 365 days straight, and nothing bad would happen to you. I can almost guarantee that you'd be totally fine...and other than a few catcalls, some panhandling, and maybe a little intimidation, you'd be left completely alone.
But...
The real issue is: "How much are you willing to put up with to live in an affordable/centrally located neighborhood." Yes, most of these affordable areas are quite culturally rich, with people from all walks of life, making for a variable tapestry of human experience. You'll get to know the guy who runs the local bodega. You'll be familiar (even possibly friendly) with the homeless people that frequent your street corners. You'll get to experience trying to communicate with shopkeepers that don't speak your language. You'll be buying all kinds of non-FDA approved groceries with not a lick of English on the package. Fruit will come fresher. Stores will be intimate, and family-owned. You'll feel like you're a part of the neighborhood, more so than you would living somewhere "nicer." It can be, honestly, a very enriching experience.
But, on the down side living there can be loud, and intrusive...especially if you choose to live in an apartment complex (which you probably will). Most of your neighbors will be great...but the bad ones will be just horrible. You'll have to get used to hearing domestic disputes. Babies crying. Sirens. Low-flying helicopters. Loud cars. Dogs barking. You'll see lots of garbage in the streets. Stray cats. Rats. Broken glass. You'll experience uncaring landlords, and probably be living in old, run-down properties.
For some people, it's totally worth it. They can put on headphones. Turn up the TV. Patch up holes in the drywall. Get used to the smell of mold. And (generally) shut out the outside world (or learn to love it / live with it). It's entirely possible, because the outside world will absolutely leave you alone if you want it to.
People who don't mind this are the people who stayed in Youth Hostels when they visited Europe (instead of private rooms), or the people who lived in a house with eight other people in college. They're not bothered by the little inconveniences in life.
I envy those people, because I'm not one of them (and my wife even less so). I like quiet nights on the couch, and silence when I go to bed. I don't want to listen to the couple next door screaming at each other in Spanish (or Russian, or Armenian). I don't want my neighbor to be arrested by a SWAT team one night. I don't want to be bitten when I'm walking with my wife and a pit bull escapes from his enclosure. I could never tolerate the smell of garbage. And (like I mentioned earlier) I don't want to hear someone else's music. Ever.
So that's my take on that. If you're a quiet, unassuming suburban kid (like myself), you'll probably want to spend a little more to live in a nicer neighborhood. If you're urban, or in love with everything urban, then by all means...get thee to a _____ Park.
It's your call.
"Yo, Tyler," you speak using your mouth organ, "can I stay with you while I look for a place?"
Good question. No.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Coming to Los Angeles Part 2: Preparing to Prepare
Didn't scare you off, did I? Good. I didn't think I would. That's what I like about you -- your determination. Your drive. Hell, you've got spunk, kid...and I think you're really going to make it.
Because I hear you. You've made up your mind. You're going to roll the dice. Awesome. Follow your dreams. Carpe your diem. You won't know if you don't try. Fortune favors the brave. Veni vidi vici. Git 'er done. Only you can prevent forest fires. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!!
So get your ass over here. How? It's easy. Start heading west. When you hit an ocean, turn left and follow the coast. Before you know it, BOOM! You're in Los Angeles (note -- Hawaii and southern Florida...I'm sorry, it's impossible to get to California from your state. Sorry!).
But before you take that drastic step, let's talk about what you need to do before you leave. Because, believe it or not, some things are much cheaper and easier where you live than they are in Los Angeles, and I really want you to get your crap together before you move.
The first and most important thing you'll probably need is money. Unless you want to start working as soon as you arrive in Los Angeles (and where's the fun in that?), you'll probably want a nice little chunk of "starter cash."
How much? Well, let's break it down.
The first, and biggest chunk of your budget will probably go to rent. Now, I think the best thing to do is move down in a group, for a two reasons.
1) It's cheaper.
B) You've got a built-in support group.
My wife and I moved down with another couple, found a lovely little apartment in Silver Lake, and spent about $600 per month in rent. That was with 4 people, living in a nice two-bedroom apartment (with one bathroom). Another friend of mine found an apartment in a not-as-nice-but-still-fairly-good neighborhood in Glendale with a single roommate, and he spent about $800 a month. Another couple friend of ours found a one bedroom apartment in a not-very-good neighborhood in southern Glendale, and paid about $600 a month in rent.
So, depending on the amenities you need (laundry room, swimming pool, kitchen, refrigerator, running water), plan on spending anywhere from $500 up to $1000 per person for your basic Los Angeles "I'm-an-actor-so-I-live-in-squalor" apartment. You'll also need to plunk down money for a security deposit -- the standard rate is somewhere between one month's rent, up to double that. It's even more if you want to bring your puppy or kitty along for the ride (which I highly recommend -- you'll need all the support you can get).
For utilities, tack on anywhere from $100 to $300 (depending on whether you want internet, TV, land line, etc), $125 for gas (you'll be driving a lot), $300 for food, $20 for website subscriptions (we'll go over those later), and any other silly expenses you brought with you from home (credit cards, auto insurance, cell phones). After all is said and done, plan on spending anywhere from $1,000 to $3,000 per month to live in Los Angeles...again, all depending on how cheap you want to do it.
Not to mention you'll probably need new head shots (those black and white ones that your roommate took last year will not cut it...I don't care how talented he/she is, or how much positive feedback you got. You're going to need new ones), some acting classes, some irritating "enrollment fees" (I'll go over all of those later), and other unexpected expenses (I guarantee your car will break down in the first couple of months -- it's inevitable).
Now, ideally, you'd want to "not have a job" for at least the first six months after you finish your move. We'll go over why I recommend that later, but let's just say, to be safe, you save up about $10,000 to $20,000 for your move down, to comfortably weather the six month "adjustment period."
What that? You don't have that much money? Then you suck. Seriously, you suck. You'll never make it in this town. Might as well not even move if you don't have that much money laying around. Acting is only for the insanely wealthy, and if you're not insanely wealthy, you will fail. I promise.
Kidding. There are other, relatively easy ways of making a little bit of money that don't involve a full-time job (catering, background work, prostitution) that can supplement that initial investment without seriously cramping your availability for actual legitimate acting stuff...so not to fear. If you want to seriously rough it, you can probably make your move work for about $2,000 or so, but I wouldn't go much lower than that because you'd be making it very hard on yourself (hee hee). Los Angeles has enough lovely homeless folks roaming about the freeway off-ramps...we don't need any more.
But enough talk about money. We didn't become actors "for the money," did we? This is about ART dammit! Craft! Passion! We want to move people, make them weep, change the world through our elaborate game of "professional make-believe." Tell us what else we need to prepare!
Couple of things. First, if you can, try to get your SAG Eligibility (that stands for "Screen Actor's Guild", and it's an actor's union...in case you didn't know). Don't know what SAG Eligibility is? Don't worry...we can take care of that when you move down. But whatever you do:
DO NOT JOIN SAG
Did I get your attention? Did you see the big pretty red letter? No? Then I'll reiterate: do not join SAG. I'll explain why later, but basically, you'll be massively hampering your ability to get gigs when you move here, and since you're inexperienced, you're unlikely to book the sweet "union" jobs anyway. By all means, become "Eligible" to join SAG, but do not pay that $2,000+ enrollment until you absolutely have to.
Another thing to do before you leave is: learn how to act. I know, seems like a no-brainer...but it's honestly not as important as people might think, which is why I moved it down the list. Personally, I spent my whole first year in Los Angeles trying to get my head around the concept of "not acting." This was after having spent the previous 2 years as an honest-to-God professional stage actor in Seattle.
"Pish," you say. "Acting is acting is acting." Good. I said the same thing. But do me a favor. Take a single "reaction" that you gave on stage (the bigger the house, the better)...maybe something you did that got a laugh every night...or moved audience members to tears. Now, take that same reaction and film it -- you don't even have to do it in a super close-up. Just a normal, medium shot. Then watch it back. You see? You didn't do it, did you? Well...you've been warned.
If any of your "acting reactions" are the least bit presentational, they will look incredibly forced on camera, and you'll be exposed as the novice you are. If you "project" with your voice, you'll blow out the audio and it'll sound terrible. Anything you do that would get a laugh from someone 50 feet away will look horribly fake when put on film.
But that's not to say "You're fine. You don't need to know how to act. Just wing it." Because you really ought to know something about acting before you go. If you can, find a local, reputable acting school and take a few classes (but be fully prepared to dismiss a good portion of the instruction you receive, since not all acting teachers are actually good at their job).
As for what classes to take...if you know the difference between Stanislavski and Strasburg, then I'd recommend taking some specialized "film acting" classes. If you don't know the difference between Meisner and Method Acting, then you should take some regular old "acting classes."
Of course, you don't have to go crazy -- like I say, learning to act is not totally essential before you go, because there are lots of classes here, and some of the classes in your home town might be terrible, as well as a waste of time and money. But it helps to have an understanding of the basics so you're not totally clueless when you get here.
I mean, you wouldn't be the first person to watch someone on TV and think "Eh, that's not so hard. I could do that." There 7 billion people on earth who think the same thing; and they're not wrong. Thinking "I could do that" is not a revelation, so please don't ever say it. "Doing that" is not the hard part; "booking that" is the hard part. Anyone could deliver a single line in a movie convincingly, given enough coaching and takes, but very few people could go out and actually book that bastard based on their acting merits alone.
But I don't want to go into that too much now -- I'll cover "what classes to take" and "what to do when you book something" later on. You can worry about that when you get here.
Other preparations? I don't know...you'll probably want a car (public transportation is doable, but it's still really crappy compared to every other big city in the US). Think about where you want to live (that'll be the subject of my next blog), and who you want to live with.
And finally, just think about it. You sure you want to do this? I mean, you're probably not going to be successful, and even if you are, it'll probably take years of you earning no money, and just sitting on your ass waiting for the phone to ring (and it won't).
So, I'll ask again, are absolutely you're sure you want to do this?
Yes?
Okay. Good. You passed the test. I said it before, and I meant it; I like you, kid. You've definitely got "it." Now, get down here, and parlay that "it" into massive fame and fortune, you lucky little bastard. Damn straight -- this is you, buddy:
Because I hear you. You've made up your mind. You're going to roll the dice. Awesome. Follow your dreams. Carpe your diem. You won't know if you don't try. Fortune favors the brave. Veni vidi vici. Git 'er done. Only you can prevent forest fires. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!!
So get your ass over here. How? It's easy. Start heading west. When you hit an ocean, turn left and follow the coast. Before you know it, BOOM! You're in Los Angeles (note -- Hawaii and southern Florida...I'm sorry, it's impossible to get to California from your state. Sorry!).
But before you take that drastic step, let's talk about what you need to do before you leave. Because, believe it or not, some things are much cheaper and easier where you live than they are in Los Angeles, and I really want you to get your crap together before you move.
The first and most important thing you'll probably need is money. Unless you want to start working as soon as you arrive in Los Angeles (and where's the fun in that?), you'll probably want a nice little chunk of "starter cash."
How much? Well, let's break it down.
The first, and biggest chunk of your budget will probably go to rent. Now, I think the best thing to do is move down in a group, for a two reasons.
1) It's cheaper.
B) You've got a built-in support group.
My wife and I moved down with another couple, found a lovely little apartment in Silver Lake, and spent about $600 per month in rent. That was with 4 people, living in a nice two-bedroom apartment (with one bathroom). Another friend of mine found an apartment in a not-as-nice-but-still-fairly-good neighborhood in Glendale with a single roommate, and he spent about $800 a month. Another couple friend of ours found a one bedroom apartment in a not-very-good neighborhood in southern Glendale, and paid about $600 a month in rent.
So, depending on the amenities you need (laundry room, swimming pool, kitchen, refrigerator, running water), plan on spending anywhere from $500 up to $1000 per person for your basic Los Angeles "I'm-an-actor-so-I-live-in-squalor" apartment. You'll also need to plunk down money for a security deposit -- the standard rate is somewhere between one month's rent, up to double that. It's even more if you want to bring your puppy or kitty along for the ride (which I highly recommend -- you'll need all the support you can get).
For utilities, tack on anywhere from $100 to $300 (depending on whether you want internet, TV, land line, etc), $125 for gas (you'll be driving a lot), $300 for food, $20 for website subscriptions (we'll go over those later), and any other silly expenses you brought with you from home (credit cards, auto insurance, cell phones). After all is said and done, plan on spending anywhere from $1,000 to $3,000 per month to live in Los Angeles...again, all depending on how cheap you want to do it.
Not to mention you'll probably need new head shots (those black and white ones that your roommate took last year will not cut it...I don't care how talented he/she is, or how much positive feedback you got. You're going to need new ones), some acting classes, some irritating "enrollment fees" (I'll go over all of those later), and other unexpected expenses (I guarantee your car will break down in the first couple of months -- it's inevitable).
Now, ideally, you'd want to "not have a job" for at least the first six months after you finish your move. We'll go over why I recommend that later, but let's just say, to be safe, you save up about $10,000 to $20,000 for your move down, to comfortably weather the six month "adjustment period."
What that? You don't have that much money? Then you suck. Seriously, you suck. You'll never make it in this town. Might as well not even move if you don't have that much money laying around. Acting is only for the insanely wealthy, and if you're not insanely wealthy, you will fail. I promise.
Kidding. There are other, relatively easy ways of making a little bit of money that don't involve a full-time job (catering, background work, prostitution) that can supplement that initial investment without seriously cramping your availability for actual legitimate acting stuff...so not to fear. If you want to seriously rough it, you can probably make your move work for about $2,000 or so, but I wouldn't go much lower than that because you'd be making it very hard on yourself (hee hee). Los Angeles has enough lovely homeless folks roaming about the freeway off-ramps...we don't need any more.
But enough talk about money. We didn't become actors "for the money," did we? This is about ART dammit! Craft! Passion! We want to move people, make them weep, change the world through our elaborate game of "professional make-believe." Tell us what else we need to prepare!
Couple of things. First, if you can, try to get your SAG Eligibility (that stands for "Screen Actor's Guild", and it's an actor's union...in case you didn't know). Don't know what SAG Eligibility is? Don't worry...we can take care of that when you move down. But whatever you do:
DO NOT JOIN SAG
Did I get your attention? Did you see the big pretty red letter? No? Then I'll reiterate: do not join SAG. I'll explain why later, but basically, you'll be massively hampering your ability to get gigs when you move here, and since you're inexperienced, you're unlikely to book the sweet "union" jobs anyway. By all means, become "Eligible" to join SAG, but do not pay that $2,000+ enrollment until you absolutely have to.
Another thing to do before you leave is: learn how to act. I know, seems like a no-brainer...but it's honestly not as important as people might think, which is why I moved it down the list. Personally, I spent my whole first year in Los Angeles trying to get my head around the concept of "not acting." This was after having spent the previous 2 years as an honest-to-God professional stage actor in Seattle.
"Pish," you say. "Acting is acting is acting." Good. I said the same thing. But do me a favor. Take a single "reaction" that you gave on stage (the bigger the house, the better)...maybe something you did that got a laugh every night...or moved audience members to tears. Now, take that same reaction and film it -- you don't even have to do it in a super close-up. Just a normal, medium shot. Then watch it back. You see? You didn't do it, did you? Well...you've been warned.
If any of your "acting reactions" are the least bit presentational, they will look incredibly forced on camera, and you'll be exposed as the novice you are. If you "project" with your voice, you'll blow out the audio and it'll sound terrible. Anything you do that would get a laugh from someone 50 feet away will look horribly fake when put on film.
But that's not to say "You're fine. You don't need to know how to act. Just wing it." Because you really ought to know something about acting before you go. If you can, find a local, reputable acting school and take a few classes (but be fully prepared to dismiss a good portion of the instruction you receive, since not all acting teachers are actually good at their job).
As for what classes to take...if you know the difference between Stanislavski and Strasburg, then I'd recommend taking some specialized "film acting" classes. If you don't know the difference between Meisner and Method Acting, then you should take some regular old "acting classes."
Of course, you don't have to go crazy -- like I say, learning to act is not totally essential before you go, because there are lots of classes here, and some of the classes in your home town might be terrible, as well as a waste of time and money. But it helps to have an understanding of the basics so you're not totally clueless when you get here.
I mean, you wouldn't be the first person to watch someone on TV and think "Eh, that's not so hard. I could do that." There 7 billion people on earth who think the same thing; and they're not wrong. Thinking "I could do that" is not a revelation, so please don't ever say it. "Doing that" is not the hard part; "booking that" is the hard part. Anyone could deliver a single line in a movie convincingly, given enough coaching and takes, but very few people could go out and actually book that bastard based on their acting merits alone.
But I don't want to go into that too much now -- I'll cover "what classes to take" and "what to do when you book something" later on. You can worry about that when you get here.
Other preparations? I don't know...you'll probably want a car (public transportation is doable, but it's still really crappy compared to every other big city in the US). Think about where you want to live (that'll be the subject of my next blog), and who you want to live with.
And finally, just think about it. You sure you want to do this? I mean, you're probably not going to be successful, and even if you are, it'll probably take years of you earning no money, and just sitting on your ass waiting for the phone to ring (and it won't).
So, I'll ask again, are absolutely you're sure you want to do this?
Yes?
Okay. Good. You passed the test. I said it before, and I meant it; I like you, kid. You've definitely got "it." Now, get down here, and parlay that "it" into massive fame and fortune, you lucky little bastard. Damn straight -- this is you, buddy:
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Coming to Los Angeles Part 1: Managing Expectations
So, you've decided to move to Los Angeles to pursue your movie career, eh? Sweet! I'm proud of you. You've officially become a cliché. Might as well get used to it now.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hell, I did the same damn thing in 2008, knowing full well that I was following in the hallowed footsteps of previous millions of deluded souls. "But I'm going to be different," I thought...which is the same thing that every actor thought when they moved.
Am I different? Well, I'm certainly older now, definitely much wiser, and while I'm not a household name, I think I've done fairly well for myself. I'm proud of my accomplishments. Could I have accomplished more? Sure. Did I miss opportunities? Oh hell yes. Tons. Did I play far too many video games when I should have been writing scripts or practicing my craft? Absolutely. But everyone makes mistakes. Everyone procrastinates. Everyone wastes time. It's inevitable. You will too...I promise...and if you let it get you down, it'll break you.
The important thing to remember is that the odds are against you. I know you've heard that before, and you'll hear that many more times from many different people...but it's a very important lesson. In all likelihood, you're not going to achieve the success you dream about, and think you deserve. You're not. Quiet that "BUT I'M DIFFERENT" voice for a second and just let that sink it. It's very unlikely. Not only will you not be cast in movies and TV shows, you won't even be able to audition for them. In fact, you won't even be able to see the agents who could possibly send you to those auditions. You'll be shut out, with no one to help you in a cold, uncaring world. It's unfair, and if you don't like it, you really out to look into another line of work.
In fact, your quest to even get into a big theatrical casting director's office (one that casts prime time TV shows or big budget movies) could easily take years. That's "years" with an "s." Not weeks. Not months. Years. Multiple years. It took me a year and a half. Some of my friends are still trying.
Don't believe me? Look at the IMDb profile of your favorite celebrity. Who is it? Brad Pitt? He moved to Los Angeles in 1986. He worked odd jobs, had a few "background" gigs in 1987, had a short recurring role on Dallas in 1988, got a few more TV roles in 1989 & 1990, then in 1991 he did Thelma & Louise. And the rest is history. What does it mean? It took Brad Pitt, one of the most famous actors in Hollywood, five years to get his first substantial role. Five. And he's Brad Pitt. You? You're not Brad Pitt. You might think you are, but you're not...I promise. It's going to be a thankless, tedious, trying journey...no matter what your background is.
So that's the reality. Of course, things were different in the 1990s. Everyone was coked up, a studio actually greenlit the hit movie "Stop or my Mom will Shoot", and if you were persistent enough, you were rewarded with at least some kind of look from some studio executive who wanted to discover the "next Brad Pitt."
Now, things are different. Everyone thinks that if they're tenacious, hardworking, and super-duper talented, they can get their foot in the door. But you can't any more. The myth of the "actor discovered at a grocery store" is just that. A myth. Utter fabrication, and Hollywood Legend. Even the supremely untalented (but gorgeous) stars that started very young, like Denise Richards (graduated from a Los Angeles high school in 1989, did Starship Troopers in 1997) or Paul Walker (graduated from a Los Angeles high school in 1991, did Fast and the Furious in 2001) worked at their careers for almost a decade before their "big break."
So if you think you'll be starring in a sitcom, or a big-budget movie within a year of moving to Los Angeles...I hate to break it to you, but you're wrong. You'd have better luck just investing that money you'd be wasting during the move in lottery tickets, then producing your own TV show with the earnings. I mean, sure, there are examples of overnight success...but usually it's an illusion (overnight success actually takes years of thankless work), or it's incredibly short-lived (this is where most child actors reside, unfortunately). But in both cases, it no doubt involves a tremendous amount of hard work (or dumb luck) on the part of the actor.
I personally witnessed two stories of actors who had immediate success when they moved down to Los Angeles, followed by a whole lot of frustration. One is a friend my wife and I met at a casting director workshop named Joane. When she moved here, within two months she'd booked a costar role (industry term for "small television role with limited screen time") on the show Criminal Minds. Two years later? Criminal Minds is still her one only legitimate credit.
Another one is from a friend-of-a-friend named Nastassja. She moved to Los Angeles, and my friend asked me to send an e-mail with advice. Later, our friend informed us, "Looks like she didn't need your advice after all; she booked a TV show." Come to find out that, lo and behold, she'd booked a costar role on Criminal Minds within weeks of arriving (TIP: familiarize yourself with the casting associate of Criminal Minds -- his name is Scott David, and if he's ever teaching a casting workshop near you, you would be well-advised to take it...because he will call you in to audition if he likes you, regardless of whether you have an agent and/or any credits...which makes him very rare). However, a year-and-a-half later, Criminal Minds is still Nastassja's only legitimate TV or film credit.
Whereas my wife Erika, God bless her, worked her tail off for two years...taking casting workshops, getting headshots, sending out mailings, interning, doing theater, doing everything in her power to get into the room. And she did, eventually. She had several auditions for several different shows, but did not book them. Finally, two years after she arrived in Los Angeles, she booked a costar on The Mentalist, for a casting director she'd seen a year prior to that audition.
Every actor has a different path to success. You might get lucky like Joane and Nastassja...or you might finally break through after years of toil like Erika. Or you might not get any auditions at all, years after you arrived in LA. Everyone's different, and you can't expect any kind of success. Hope for it, want it, prepare for it, work for it...but don't expect it.
Now I hope you don't think I'm just being bitter. "Mehrgh, I didn't have success, so you won't either! BEHHHHH!!!" I'm not. I promise. I'm quite happy with the level of success I've achieved. Would I like to achieve more success? Of course. But I'm being realistic, which can easily be mistaken for "pessimistic." There are a whole lot of people who think they can achieve their dreams and goals solely through stubbornness and sheer force of will. There's a whole industry of self-help books that tell you this, over and over and over and over. Don't get me wrong -- all of those things are very helpful, but they will not be enough for you to make it in Los Angeles...because there are literally a million actors who feel the same way, read the same books, and are actually more stubborn than you are. And you'll find out that only a tiny fraction of them actually achieve all of their lofty goals. A tiny, tiny, tiny fraction.
I don't say this to discourage you. Trust me, I'm your biggest fan (because you're reading the words I've written). I just want to honestly prepare you for just a small piece of the professional disappointment, heartache, and frustration that will surely greet you when you land in Los Angeles. You will experience it too. Everyone experiences it, from the hugest failure, to the most surprising success story. And whatever your expectations are, lower them. Even if you think they're very modest, lower them. Sure, go ahead and set lofty goals for yourself; that's fine. But don't expect to meet any of them soon.
But don't take my word for it. Let the Piano Man limit your expectations in his own magically musical way:
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hell, I did the same damn thing in 2008, knowing full well that I was following in the hallowed footsteps of previous millions of deluded souls. "But I'm going to be different," I thought...which is the same thing that every actor thought when they moved.
Am I different? Well, I'm certainly older now, definitely much wiser, and while I'm not a household name, I think I've done fairly well for myself. I'm proud of my accomplishments. Could I have accomplished more? Sure. Did I miss opportunities? Oh hell yes. Tons. Did I play far too many video games when I should have been writing scripts or practicing my craft? Absolutely. But everyone makes mistakes. Everyone procrastinates. Everyone wastes time. It's inevitable. You will too...I promise...and if you let it get you down, it'll break you.
The important thing to remember is that the odds are against you. I know you've heard that before, and you'll hear that many more times from many different people...but it's a very important lesson. In all likelihood, you're not going to achieve the success you dream about, and think you deserve. You're not. Quiet that "BUT I'M DIFFERENT" voice for a second and just let that sink it. It's very unlikely. Not only will you not be cast in movies and TV shows, you won't even be able to audition for them. In fact, you won't even be able to see the agents who could possibly send you to those auditions. You'll be shut out, with no one to help you in a cold, uncaring world. It's unfair, and if you don't like it, you really out to look into another line of work.
In fact, your quest to even get into a big theatrical casting director's office (one that casts prime time TV shows or big budget movies) could easily take years. That's "years" with an "s." Not weeks. Not months. Years. Multiple years. It took me a year and a half. Some of my friends are still trying.
Don't believe me? Look at the IMDb profile of your favorite celebrity. Who is it? Brad Pitt? He moved to Los Angeles in 1986. He worked odd jobs, had a few "background" gigs in 1987, had a short recurring role on Dallas in 1988, got a few more TV roles in 1989 & 1990, then in 1991 he did Thelma & Louise. And the rest is history. What does it mean? It took Brad Pitt, one of the most famous actors in Hollywood, five years to get his first substantial role. Five. And he's Brad Pitt. You? You're not Brad Pitt. You might think you are, but you're not...I promise. It's going to be a thankless, tedious, trying journey...no matter what your background is.
So that's the reality. Of course, things were different in the 1990s. Everyone was coked up, a studio actually greenlit the hit movie "Stop or my Mom will Shoot", and if you were persistent enough, you were rewarded with at least some kind of look from some studio executive who wanted to discover the "next Brad Pitt."
Now, things are different. Everyone thinks that if they're tenacious, hardworking, and super-duper talented, they can get their foot in the door. But you can't any more. The myth of the "actor discovered at a grocery store" is just that. A myth. Utter fabrication, and Hollywood Legend. Even the supremely untalented (but gorgeous) stars that started very young, like Denise Richards (graduated from a Los Angeles high school in 1989, did Starship Troopers in 1997) or Paul Walker (graduated from a Los Angeles high school in 1991, did Fast and the Furious in 2001) worked at their careers for almost a decade before their "big break."
So if you think you'll be starring in a sitcom, or a big-budget movie within a year of moving to Los Angeles...I hate to break it to you, but you're wrong. You'd have better luck just investing that money you'd be wasting during the move in lottery tickets, then producing your own TV show with the earnings. I mean, sure, there are examples of overnight success...but usually it's an illusion (overnight success actually takes years of thankless work), or it's incredibly short-lived (this is where most child actors reside, unfortunately). But in both cases, it no doubt involves a tremendous amount of hard work (or dumb luck) on the part of the actor.
I personally witnessed two stories of actors who had immediate success when they moved down to Los Angeles, followed by a whole lot of frustration. One is a friend my wife and I met at a casting director workshop named Joane. When she moved here, within two months she'd booked a costar role (industry term for "small television role with limited screen time") on the show Criminal Minds. Two years later? Criminal Minds is still her one only legitimate credit.
Another one is from a friend-of-a-friend named Nastassja. She moved to Los Angeles, and my friend asked me to send an e-mail with advice. Later, our friend informed us, "Looks like she didn't need your advice after all; she booked a TV show." Come to find out that, lo and behold, she'd booked a costar role on Criminal Minds within weeks of arriving (TIP: familiarize yourself with the casting associate of Criminal Minds -- his name is Scott David, and if he's ever teaching a casting workshop near you, you would be well-advised to take it...because he will call you in to audition if he likes you, regardless of whether you have an agent and/or any credits...which makes him very rare). However, a year-and-a-half later, Criminal Minds is still Nastassja's only legitimate TV or film credit.
Whereas my wife Erika, God bless her, worked her tail off for two years...taking casting workshops, getting headshots, sending out mailings, interning, doing theater, doing everything in her power to get into the room. And she did, eventually. She had several auditions for several different shows, but did not book them. Finally, two years after she arrived in Los Angeles, she booked a costar on The Mentalist, for a casting director she'd seen a year prior to that audition.
Every actor has a different path to success. You might get lucky like Joane and Nastassja...or you might finally break through after years of toil like Erika. Or you might not get any auditions at all, years after you arrived in LA. Everyone's different, and you can't expect any kind of success. Hope for it, want it, prepare for it, work for it...but don't expect it.
Now I hope you don't think I'm just being bitter. "Mehrgh, I didn't have success, so you won't either! BEHHHHH!!!" I'm not. I promise. I'm quite happy with the level of success I've achieved. Would I like to achieve more success? Of course. But I'm being realistic, which can easily be mistaken for "pessimistic." There are a whole lot of people who think they can achieve their dreams and goals solely through stubbornness and sheer force of will. There's a whole industry of self-help books that tell you this, over and over and over and over. Don't get me wrong -- all of those things are very helpful, but they will not be enough for you to make it in Los Angeles...because there are literally a million actors who feel the same way, read the same books, and are actually more stubborn than you are. And you'll find out that only a tiny fraction of them actually achieve all of their lofty goals. A tiny, tiny, tiny fraction.
I don't say this to discourage you. Trust me, I'm your biggest fan (because you're reading the words I've written). I just want to honestly prepare you for just a small piece of the professional disappointment, heartache, and frustration that will surely greet you when you land in Los Angeles. You will experience it too. Everyone experiences it, from the hugest failure, to the most surprising success story. And whatever your expectations are, lower them. Even if you think they're very modest, lower them. Sure, go ahead and set lofty goals for yourself; that's fine. But don't expect to meet any of them soon.
But don't take my word for it. Let the Piano Man limit your expectations in his own magically musical way:
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
A Letter to my Child
I think about death a lot.
Sorry. That was a bit blunt. You may have started reading thinking you were going to see a sweet, father-to-child letter that would bring some "aww's." Don't worry -- I might get there eventually. But I thought I should give some kind of rationale, while I'm thinking of it.
I'd say that's my #1 fear in life -- death. I always considered it a pretty rational fear, really. "Thanatophobia." Which is, apparently, a real thing.
But be not a-fear'd -- to the best of my knowledge I'm not dying, or in danger of dying any time soon. I'm a relatively healthy 31 year old male, with a proud family history of "longevity," to go along with a relatively healthy lifestyle.
However, I'm still preoccupied with my early demise. I ride my bike to work, often...and (don't tell Erika this, but) there are some times when I have a premonition the night before that I'm going to get into a horrible accident on my way in to work.
Of course, all thoughts of the premonition vanish when I'm on the road...and so far, my "future telling skills" are historically lousy. I've started to use it to the effect that I'll wish bad things upon people just so it won't happen to them.
But because of this, and because my wife is now about 10 weeks pregnant, my thanatophobia has been thrown into hyper-drive. Now I think, what if my kid never gets to meet me?
Macabre, I know. Sorry. Again, this might be me "wishing bad things upon myself" just so they won't happen. Bear with me.
Anyhow, to allay this fear...I thought I might write a letter to that little alien-looking mini-person...just so he or she could have some kind of idea what I was like, and what I would have been like if I hadn't died heroically, saving the life of dozens of orphans from a warehouse fire (because orphans love warehouses).
Okay. On with the madness.
Dear Bean,
That's what we called you, early on. The bean. Our little bean. Two little centimeters of human, growing inside of my wife. Or, at least you were the first time I saw you.
It probably doesn't mean much to you now. If you're old enough to be reading this, you're probably old enough to forget about all that crap that happened while you were in the womb. The placenta, the uterine lining, the umbilical cord, the muffled sound of the theme song to the show Top Chef...all a distant memory.
Who am I? Who was I? Well...I'm your father, dammit. Don't you ever forget that. Mom says to eat your vegetables, so do it, dammit. Listen to your mother.
Sorry. Truth?
First, I'll give you some history. To be frank, I had a bit of a different idea in mind when I thought about "me being a father." I thought what I wanted to do was bring a child into a perfect little world, where I owned a home, had no debt, and had enough money to cover a full college tuition to the "Ivy League University of your Choosing." I wanted to be making a bunch of money that I could give you so you wouldn't have to actually hold a job until you graduated college at 23.
But that wasn't reality. I have a hell of a time trying to save money, and I've never really been much for "stability." When I met your mother, I fell madly in love with her, and I believed that I owed it to humanity to bring a copy of her into the world.
Consequently, all my thoughts of this "perfect little world" fantasy met with my new reality. But, I mean, no parent is ever really ready to embark on this "child rearing" adventure, right? So, once the "let's make a baby" idea was proposed to me, I thought, "Yeah. Let's do it. Sounds like fun."
So we made you. You're probably not old enough yet to learn how we did it...but needless to say, it's one of the great perks of trying to have children. The process was, really, much easier than I thought it'd be. Two months of (really) inconsistent attempts and suddenly you blipped into existence. Heck, the ink was barely dry on my health insurance plan...if you'd come two months earlier, you would have been a really terrible financial burden.
Not that that's your fault, or anything. You're just a prune-sized glob of goo. In fact, I hear your baby teeth are just starting to form as I type...so congrats on that. I have grown-up teeth...which makes me better than you. Boom. How does that feel?
Sorry. So, who was your dad? I know, I haven't answered that yet. It's a good question.
Well I tell you, I have one hell of a dad (which means you've got one hell of a granddad). He's a guy that I deified, really...which means, I made him to be "God-like" (sorry, I'm going to use some big words here -- ask you mother what they mean if you're confused). In fact, he's such a great guy that I can't imagine being as great a dad as he was...and I find it hard to believe that one day you could be typing a letter to your unborn child where you're saying that you ever deified me.
Don't get me wrong. It'd be an honor. I'm just saying...it's hard for me to imagine.
Because, who was your dad? Again, I'm failing to answer the question. But, to be honest, it's a hell of a question.
I don't know who I am, really. You little bastard. Geez. Get off my back.
Sorry. I get angry sometimes.
I'm a guy who likes new paragraphs and sentence fragments.
Apparently.
Here's the truth: I'm scared. You're probably scared, too. You're all, "Where the hell am I? Why's it so dark? Why do my fingers have webs?"
Of course, all new dads are scared...I guess that's just part of the experience, right? I'm thinking, "Jesus...I have all this credit card debt. I don't even own a car, or a home. I don't know what I'm going to do for money when my wife is out of work. And I'm supposed to be the provider? Holy crap."
But the reality is, I'm going to do the best I can. You won't know any better -- hell, you probably won't be smarter than me until you're well into your 20s, and I'll have built up enough life experience by that time that I'll seem smarter than you anyway. And you will respect me, dammit. No child of mine is going to go through life not respecting his damn parents.
So, who was your dad? Dammit, that's a stupid question. Who is anyone? I'm just another guy, trying to enjoy himself in this short time that he's schlepping around this rock. I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm probably less perfect than most people. I found my soul mate, and we decided to create you.
We were successful...lucky you.
The better question is, what did I want to be once I found out you existed? Well, here's how I feel now:
I will do everything in my power to make sure you have a great life. I will try my hardest...sacrifice every part of me...do whatever it takes to give you happiness (hee hee...penis), and make sure you stay happy. I might suck at it. You won't know, of course, because kids never know whether or not their parents suck at being parents until they're much older
Regardless, I'll try to be (objectively) the best dad possible. I'm not working with much, frankly. As we speak, I've got about $150.00 to my name. I mean, I've got a good job with health insurance and everything...but things are pretty tight right now. And you're due to pop into the world in about 6 months. Yikes.
Luckily for both of us you've got a terrific mom, and we work really well together. You've also got a great extended family, who will probably be very annoyed with me as they're reading this...talking about death, debt, and all that icky stuff. But the Rhoades' and Godwin's are all very sane people...especially your mom and I. So you won't have to worry about turning out mental because part of your genetic seed is faulty.
Though, hopefully, whether you're a boy or a girl, you end up with more of your mom's looks than mine. Or, at least, you're spared my overly broad nose, squinky eyes, and receding hairline. But there's nothing you can do to help that -- I mean, I've lived with those things, and I managed to attract a babe like your mother, so it's probably not nearly as bad as I make it out to be.
But more than anything, I hope you're happy. Content. All that. You don't need to be successful, or rich, or powerful, or famous, or any of those things people strive for. You don't have to achieve great things, or leave some kind of lasting impression on humanity. I just want you to enjoy yourself. Do things that make you proud. Things that interest you; excite you. And if you're doing something that makes you unhappy, knock it off and do something else.
I'll be chock full of wise wisdom like that...provided I don't die suddenly before you're carried to term. Because, even though I'm scared, feeling unworthy, and totally unprepared for your arrival...I'm really looking forward to it. It's one of those unselfish, rewarding parts of human nature that I want to experience. I think I can help raise you right. If, somehow, I failed? Well...I hope you can see that I tried with every ounce of my being, and gave you as good a shot as anyone out there.
Guess that's it. Did I answer your questions? Did you have anything else? Shoe size? Um. 11 1/2. College GPA? 3.3. Any other questions, I mean, about my personality or anything?
No? Okay, good. Good luck. And make me proud, dammit. As if I could ever not make me proud, you rad little bean.
Love,
Dad
Sorry. That was a bit blunt. You may have started reading thinking you were going to see a sweet, father-to-child letter that would bring some "aww's." Don't worry -- I might get there eventually. But I thought I should give some kind of rationale, while I'm thinking of it.
I'd say that's my #1 fear in life -- death. I always considered it a pretty rational fear, really. "Thanatophobia." Which is, apparently, a real thing.
But be not a-fear'd -- to the best of my knowledge I'm not dying, or in danger of dying any time soon. I'm a relatively healthy 31 year old male, with a proud family history of "longevity," to go along with a relatively healthy lifestyle.
However, I'm still preoccupied with my early demise. I ride my bike to work, often...and (don't tell Erika this, but) there are some times when I have a premonition the night before that I'm going to get into a horrible accident on my way in to work.
Of course, all thoughts of the premonition vanish when I'm on the road...and so far, my "future telling skills" are historically lousy. I've started to use it to the effect that I'll wish bad things upon people just so it won't happen to them.
But because of this, and because my wife is now about 10 weeks pregnant, my thanatophobia has been thrown into hyper-drive. Now I think, what if my kid never gets to meet me?
Macabre, I know. Sorry. Again, this might be me "wishing bad things upon myself" just so they won't happen. Bear with me.
Anyhow, to allay this fear...I thought I might write a letter to that little alien-looking mini-person...just so he or she could have some kind of idea what I was like, and what I would have been like if I hadn't died heroically, saving the life of dozens of orphans from a warehouse fire (because orphans love warehouses).
Okay. On with the madness.
Dear Bean,
That's what we called you, early on. The bean. Our little bean. Two little centimeters of human, growing inside of my wife. Or, at least you were the first time I saw you.
It probably doesn't mean much to you now. If you're old enough to be reading this, you're probably old enough to forget about all that crap that happened while you were in the womb. The placenta, the uterine lining, the umbilical cord, the muffled sound of the theme song to the show Top Chef...all a distant memory.
Who am I? Who was I? Well...I'm your father, dammit. Don't you ever forget that. Mom says to eat your vegetables, so do it, dammit. Listen to your mother.
Sorry. Truth?
First, I'll give you some history. To be frank, I had a bit of a different idea in mind when I thought about "me being a father." I thought what I wanted to do was bring a child into a perfect little world, where I owned a home, had no debt, and had enough money to cover a full college tuition to the "Ivy League University of your Choosing." I wanted to be making a bunch of money that I could give you so you wouldn't have to actually hold a job until you graduated college at 23.
But that wasn't reality. I have a hell of a time trying to save money, and I've never really been much for "stability." When I met your mother, I fell madly in love with her, and I believed that I owed it to humanity to bring a copy of her into the world.
Consequently, all my thoughts of this "perfect little world" fantasy met with my new reality. But, I mean, no parent is ever really ready to embark on this "child rearing" adventure, right? So, once the "let's make a baby" idea was proposed to me, I thought, "Yeah. Let's do it. Sounds like fun."
So we made you. You're probably not old enough yet to learn how we did it...but needless to say, it's one of the great perks of trying to have children. The process was, really, much easier than I thought it'd be. Two months of (really) inconsistent attempts and suddenly you blipped into existence. Heck, the ink was barely dry on my health insurance plan...if you'd come two months earlier, you would have been a really terrible financial burden.
Not that that's your fault, or anything. You're just a prune-sized glob of goo. In fact, I hear your baby teeth are just starting to form as I type...so congrats on that. I have grown-up teeth...which makes me better than you. Boom. How does that feel?
Sorry. So, who was your dad? I know, I haven't answered that yet. It's a good question.
Well I tell you, I have one hell of a dad (which means you've got one hell of a granddad). He's a guy that I deified, really...which means, I made him to be "God-like" (sorry, I'm going to use some big words here -- ask you mother what they mean if you're confused). In fact, he's such a great guy that I can't imagine being as great a dad as he was...and I find it hard to believe that one day you could be typing a letter to your unborn child where you're saying that you ever deified me.
Don't get me wrong. It'd be an honor. I'm just saying...it's hard for me to imagine.
Because, who was your dad? Again, I'm failing to answer the question. But, to be honest, it's a hell of a question.
I don't know who I am, really. You little bastard. Geez. Get off my back.
Sorry. I get angry sometimes.
I'm a guy who likes new paragraphs and sentence fragments.
Apparently.
Here's the truth: I'm scared. You're probably scared, too. You're all, "Where the hell am I? Why's it so dark? Why do my fingers have webs?"
Of course, all new dads are scared...I guess that's just part of the experience, right? I'm thinking, "Jesus...I have all this credit card debt. I don't even own a car, or a home. I don't know what I'm going to do for money when my wife is out of work. And I'm supposed to be the provider? Holy crap."
But the reality is, I'm going to do the best I can. You won't know any better -- hell, you probably won't be smarter than me until you're well into your 20s, and I'll have built up enough life experience by that time that I'll seem smarter than you anyway. And you will respect me, dammit. No child of mine is going to go through life not respecting his damn parents.
So, who was your dad? Dammit, that's a stupid question. Who is anyone? I'm just another guy, trying to enjoy himself in this short time that he's schlepping around this rock. I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm probably less perfect than most people. I found my soul mate, and we decided to create you.
We were successful...lucky you.
The better question is, what did I want to be once I found out you existed? Well, here's how I feel now:
I will do everything in my power to make sure you have a great life. I will try my hardest...sacrifice every part of me...do whatever it takes to give you happiness (hee hee...penis), and make sure you stay happy. I might suck at it. You won't know, of course, because kids never know whether or not their parents suck at being parents until they're much older
Regardless, I'll try to be (objectively) the best dad possible. I'm not working with much, frankly. As we speak, I've got about $150.00 to my name. I mean, I've got a good job with health insurance and everything...but things are pretty tight right now. And you're due to pop into the world in about 6 months. Yikes.
Luckily for both of us you've got a terrific mom, and we work really well together. You've also got a great extended family, who will probably be very annoyed with me as they're reading this...talking about death, debt, and all that icky stuff. But the Rhoades' and Godwin's are all very sane people...especially your mom and I. So you won't have to worry about turning out mental because part of your genetic seed is faulty.
Though, hopefully, whether you're a boy or a girl, you end up with more of your mom's looks than mine. Or, at least, you're spared my overly broad nose, squinky eyes, and receding hairline. But there's nothing you can do to help that -- I mean, I've lived with those things, and I managed to attract a babe like your mother, so it's probably not nearly as bad as I make it out to be.
But more than anything, I hope you're happy. Content. All that. You don't need to be successful, or rich, or powerful, or famous, or any of those things people strive for. You don't have to achieve great things, or leave some kind of lasting impression on humanity. I just want you to enjoy yourself. Do things that make you proud. Things that interest you; excite you. And if you're doing something that makes you unhappy, knock it off and do something else.
I'll be chock full of wise wisdom like that...provided I don't die suddenly before you're carried to term. Because, even though I'm scared, feeling unworthy, and totally unprepared for your arrival...I'm really looking forward to it. It's one of those unselfish, rewarding parts of human nature that I want to experience. I think I can help raise you right. If, somehow, I failed? Well...I hope you can see that I tried with every ounce of my being, and gave you as good a shot as anyone out there.
Guess that's it. Did I answer your questions? Did you have anything else? Shoe size? Um. 11 1/2. College GPA? 3.3. Any other questions, I mean, about my personality or anything?
No? Okay, good. Good luck. And make me proud, dammit. As if I could ever not make me proud, you rad little bean.
Love,
Dad
Thursday, July 15, 2010
FAQ
I've decided to write an FAQ. The only problem is, very few people actually ask me questions...and I'm not sure I've ever been asked the same question with anything that would qualify it as being "frequent" (though I have been getting the "Oh my God, is that a goiter?!" question quite a lot lately).
So FAQ might be a misleading title. It should be more like a "Stuff You Might Be Curious About Put in the Style of a Question and Answer Blog Post" (SYMBCAPSQABP) (prounounced "Sim-bee-cap-squab-puh)
Here goes:
So, Tyler, why did you start this blog?
Shut up. Next question.
What?
No. Seriously. Shut up.
Whoa, why are you being such a dick?
I'm not being a dick, I'm just being real with you, Mayor McCheese. And, honestly, for reals, I just want you to shut the hell up and leave me alone.
Jesus. Fine. I don't care about your stupid FAQ anyway.
Good. And that wasn't a question.
Well, last time I asked a question you just yelled at me, and told me to shut the hell up.
No I didn't.
Yes you did. It was, like, the first thing you said.
Was that me?
It was.
I don't remember that.
You can just re-read this blog post. "Shut up" was literally the first answer you gave.
Well I didn't say "shut the hell up." You're making it sound worse than it actually was.
You said that in the second question.
No I didn't.
I mean the third question. I was all like, "Man, why are you being such a dick?" Then you said something about Mayor McCheese, and you told me to shut the hell up.
Oh, you're right. Sorry about that.
Sorry?
Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've just been pretty stressed out lately.
Well, why did you decide to write an FAQ blog entry if you weren't in the mood to answer questions?
Is that pronounced "Fack?" Or "Eff-ay-cue?"
Are you asking me a question now?
Sounds like it.
Umm...I think it's "eff-ay-cue."
Cool. Thanks. Can I borrow your bold?
My bold?
Why do you keep repeating me?
I don't know...that's just what I do to express incredulity.
Well stop it. It's hack-y.
Sorry.
It's fine. So, can I?
Are you going to start asking me questions, then?
I don't know yet.
Well, okay. You can have it. But can I start using italics?
Whatever you want.
Okay, cool.
Um...but you aren't going to use bold as well as italic, are you?
I guess not.
Thanks. I mean, I'm not trying to come off as some kind of control freak or anything, but y'know...I am borrowing your bold, and it wouldn't make sense if we were both still writing bold.
No, I get it. It's fine.
Thanks for being so understanding.
Were you going to ask me questions, then?
I guess I could. Um, so, why'd you get into acting?
Stupid question. And I already answered that in, like, a two part post that no one read.
I read it.
That's because you wrote it, brainiac.
Fair enough. Does it bother you when no one reads your blog?
No.
Seriously?
Well, I'll tell you two things I don't like, and I try not to do. The first is, I try to avoid apologizing for "not writing more often." Because usually I'm not sorry...I'm just lazy. And I don't want to apologize for being lazy, because I'd be apologizing all the damn time...and that's just not my style. The second thing I try not to do is: I try not to comment on the fact that the stuff I'm writing is not being read by anyone...because that's not why I write here.
Wait, isn't that the whole point of a blog? To have people read it?
I guess so...but I never expect people to actually read this stuff. I can't tell if that's low self-esteem, or just me being realistic. But, it's not like I'm writing anything particularly groundbreaking, provocative, or even interesting. For example, just re-read this post.
Well, why don't you write about more interesting stuff?
Interesting stuff is boring. Next question.
I don't know what that-
NEXT QUESTION!!!
Look. Dude. This...this just isn't working out.
What's wrong?
Well, for starters, the "ctrl-b" and "ctrl-i" shortcuts are really annoying, and inconsistent. Like, for some reason, every time I hit enter, ctrl-b, then ctrl-i to cancel my bold writing, and start italicized writing, Blogspot just makes the type both bold and italic.
Like this?
Exactly.
What happens if you just leave it, and don't press ctrl-b or ctrl-i?
This happens. It stays bold.
That's really frustrating.
Tell me about it.
Well, should we just wrap up this FAQ, then? Because it doesn't feel like we really got anywhere...and those technical problems are just frustrating you.
Yeah, maybe we should just stop. I doubt anyone's going to read this anyway. Oops. I mean...um...I don't know if I want people to read this. Yeah. That's it.
Are you going to post this to Facebook?
Sure. I guess so. Why not?
I feel like this is just going to bore a bunch of people...and you don't even know all of your Facebook friends that well.
Well, if they're interested, they'll click on the link. If not, then they'll just ignore it.
Are you ever going to do a real FAQ?
Maybe. Let's see how well this one is received and we'll go from there. I could. I mean...I'm sure there are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long time who are actually interested in the stuff that's going on in my life. But that could just be me projecting...because I'm always interested in the stuff going on in other peoples' lives. Maybe no one's interested at all...which is fine. I don't hold that against them...I've never thought of myself as particularly interesting to begin with. Especially not to strangers, or to people that I only know a little bit, or that I don't talk to at all any more. And those are the only people who might actually want an FAQ. I mean, all of my close friends already know what's going on in my life.
Wow. That last part got pretty serious, and boring. I thought this was going to be another one of those things where you gave funny answers to survey questions. Like this. Or even this.
Maybe next time.
Hey, shouldn't you post a picture here? So that the little thumbnail will be something that will make people want to read this blog?
Like, a girl in a bikini or something?
No, then you'd just get a bunch of dudes reading this. Maybe you should post a shot of some guy's six-pack abs, or something.
Probably still get a bunch of dudes. You're friends with a lot of gay guys.
Good point. Well...maybe I can come up with something in-between. Something like this:
So FAQ might be a misleading title. It should be more like a "Stuff You Might Be Curious About Put in the Style of a Question and Answer Blog Post" (SYMBCAPSQABP) (prounounced "Sim-bee-cap-squab-puh)
Here goes:
So, Tyler, why did you start this blog?
Shut up. Next question.
What?
No. Seriously. Shut up.
Whoa, why are you being such a dick?
I'm not being a dick, I'm just being real with you, Mayor McCheese. And, honestly, for reals, I just want you to shut the hell up and leave me alone.
Jesus. Fine. I don't care about your stupid FAQ anyway.
Good. And that wasn't a question.
Well, last time I asked a question you just yelled at me, and told me to shut the hell up.
No I didn't.
Yes you did. It was, like, the first thing you said.
Was that me?
It was.
I don't remember that.
You can just re-read this blog post. "Shut up" was literally the first answer you gave.
Well I didn't say "shut the hell up." You're making it sound worse than it actually was.
You said that in the second question.
No I didn't.
I mean the third question. I was all like, "Man, why are you being such a dick?" Then you said something about Mayor McCheese, and you told me to shut the hell up.
Oh, you're right. Sorry about that.
Sorry?
Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've just been pretty stressed out lately.
Well, why did you decide to write an FAQ blog entry if you weren't in the mood to answer questions?
Is that pronounced "Fack?" Or "Eff-ay-cue?"
Are you asking me a question now?
Sounds like it.
Umm...I think it's "eff-ay-cue."
Cool. Thanks. Can I borrow your bold?
My bold?
Why do you keep repeating me?
I don't know...that's just what I do to express incredulity.
Well stop it. It's hack-y.
Sorry.
It's fine. So, can I?
Are you going to start asking me questions, then?
I don't know yet.
Well, okay. You can have it. But can I start using italics?
Whatever you want.
Okay, cool.
Um...but you aren't going to use bold as well as italic, are you?
I guess not.
Thanks. I mean, I'm not trying to come off as some kind of control freak or anything, but y'know...I am borrowing your bold, and it wouldn't make sense if we were both still writing bold.
No, I get it. It's fine.
Thanks for being so understanding.
Were you going to ask me questions, then?
I guess I could. Um, so, why'd you get into acting?
Stupid question. And I already answered that in, like, a two part post that no one read.
I read it.
That's because you wrote it, brainiac.
Fair enough. Does it bother you when no one reads your blog?
No.
Seriously?
Well, I'll tell you two things I don't like, and I try not to do. The first is, I try to avoid apologizing for "not writing more often." Because usually I'm not sorry...I'm just lazy. And I don't want to apologize for being lazy, because I'd be apologizing all the damn time...and that's just not my style. The second thing I try not to do is: I try not to comment on the fact that the stuff I'm writing is not being read by anyone...because that's not why I write here.
Wait, isn't that the whole point of a blog? To have people read it?
I guess so...but I never expect people to actually read this stuff. I can't tell if that's low self-esteem, or just me being realistic. But, it's not like I'm writing anything particularly groundbreaking, provocative, or even interesting. For example, just re-read this post.
Well, why don't you write about more interesting stuff?
Interesting stuff is boring. Next question.
I don't know what that-
NEXT QUESTION!!!
Look. Dude. This...this just isn't working out.
What's wrong?
Well, for starters, the "ctrl-b" and "ctrl-i" shortcuts are really annoying, and inconsistent. Like, for some reason, every time I hit enter, ctrl-b, then ctrl-i to cancel my bold writing, and start italicized writing, Blogspot just makes the type both bold and italic.
Like this?
Exactly.
What happens if you just leave it, and don't press ctrl-b or ctrl-i?
This happens. It stays bold.
That's really frustrating.
Tell me about it.
Well, should we just wrap up this FAQ, then? Because it doesn't feel like we really got anywhere...and those technical problems are just frustrating you.
Yeah, maybe we should just stop. I doubt anyone's going to read this anyway. Oops. I mean...um...I don't know if I want people to read this. Yeah. That's it.
Are you going to post this to Facebook?
Sure. I guess so. Why not?
I feel like this is just going to bore a bunch of people...and you don't even know all of your Facebook friends that well.
Well, if they're interested, they'll click on the link. If not, then they'll just ignore it.
Are you ever going to do a real FAQ?
Maybe. Let's see how well this one is received and we'll go from there. I could. I mean...I'm sure there are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long time who are actually interested in the stuff that's going on in my life. But that could just be me projecting...because I'm always interested in the stuff going on in other peoples' lives. Maybe no one's interested at all...which is fine. I don't hold that against them...I've never thought of myself as particularly interesting to begin with. Especially not to strangers, or to people that I only know a little bit, or that I don't talk to at all any more. And those are the only people who might actually want an FAQ. I mean, all of my close friends already know what's going on in my life.
Wow. That last part got pretty serious, and boring. I thought this was going to be another one of those things where you gave funny answers to survey questions. Like this. Or even this.
Maybe next time.
Hey, shouldn't you post a picture here? So that the little thumbnail will be something that will make people want to read this blog?
Like, a girl in a bikini or something?
No, then you'd just get a bunch of dudes reading this. Maybe you should post a shot of some guy's six-pack abs, or something.
Probably still get a bunch of dudes. You're friends with a lot of gay guys.
Good point. Well...maybe I can come up with something in-between. Something like this:
Monday, July 12, 2010
Piracy
I blame the RIAA.
Those are the geniuses who decided to start suing people who were "file sharing" music starting in 2003. They took hundreds of people to court. The vast majority of the defendants were totally and undeniably guilty of theft, but some of them were baffled, confused, and quite photogenic. Consequently, when the public thinks of online pirates, this is what they think of:
Those are all people that were all sued by the RIAA for "stealing music." And that lineup doesn't include the deceased grandmother, the family that didn't own a computer, the 12 year Brianna LaHara, and the 13 year old Brittany Chan.
These lawsuits were, in a word, "monumentally stupid."
It made the corporations (the ones spending all the money, and taking all the risks to produce this stuff) look like bullying assholes. It made Metallica (METALLICA!) look like a bunch of corporate shills. It made the layperson believe that software pirates were terrified single mothers, children, and the elderly.
But I have a secret. Here's what online pirates really look like:
Yarr.
Or, at least, that's how I picture them. They're actually (primarily) male, ranging in age between late 20s to early 40s. They're intelligent. Sophisticated. Incredibly well-organized. Usually foreign. And relentless.
To top it all off, they're also wealthy. Pirates make a lot of money doing this. A lot. Don't let the sob stories fool you. Don't think they're just providing some kind of free public service to "fight the man." The people running online piracy sites make a comfortable living, selling other peoples' creations. It's no different than a person walking into a store, stuffing a bunch of DVDs into their backpack, then walking out to the sidewalk and selling those DVDs for a dollar a piece. It's not noble. It's not "taking on money-hungry corporations." It's just straight-up stealing.
I mean, most people would never grab a DVD off of a store shelf and sneak it outside...but they'd be more than happy to watch a pirated movie online. The crime is no different...really. It's just more anonymous, and far less risky.
"But hang on a second, Tyler," you wail. "How could they possibly make money doing this? Doesn't it cost a lot of money to host these sites?"
I'm glad you asked that.
First off, any pirate site worth its salt does not host any videos. They post links that redirect you to video hosting sites (which are, a lot of the time, subscription-based...in addition to selling ad space).
But on top of that, any time you go to one of these pirate sites, you'll still get advertisements. These range from "kind of annoying" (pop-up ads and banners) to "pretty irritating" (non-skippable video ads, forced redirects) to "straight up dangerous" (adware, malware, viruses). Every site has them. And the more traffic they get, the more money they make. The more irritating the advertisement, the bigger the payout.
Consequently, these link sites encourage users to record and post movies (often without paying them a dime), while the admins sit back and collect any profit (paid to their anonymous PayPal accounts via the scammy advertising sites).
In fact, one of the major operators of these link sites is the Russian Business Network. This is a cyber-crime organization that takes the revenue earned from these pirate sites, and feeds it into child pornography, identity theft schemes, prostitution rings, the black market, and an army of malware scams. Essentially, when you go to a site run by the RBN, you're helping pay for all of these illegal activities.
And the infuriating thing for me is: these people have created nothing. They've contributed nothing. They've just set up a website, loaded it with ads and bullcrap, then pawned it off on the unwary public...because who wouldn't want to watch any movie or TV show ever filmed for free? When the RIAA filed all of their idiotic lawsuits, the pirates (and their proprietors) look like the victims! It's incredible.
"So," you snivel, "what can I do?"
Well, in spite of all my rantings, I won't ask you to stop watching pirated movies. It's a losing battle...I know...and I don't want to seem like a square. I get the appeal. Heck, I'd be lying to you if I told you I haven't ever downloaded something illegal.
But, there's stuff you can do. Little stuff, to encourage networks to start migrating their material online. For instance, if you're presented with the option -- take the legit one. Like, instead of watching Modern Family on some shitty pirate site, just go to Hulu and tolerate the 30 second ads (you can navigate away from the screen, check your e-mail, read my blog, etc.). I think you'd feel a lot better knowing that your money is going to the people who make the stuff you watch, and not this smug little foreign dude:
Problem?
This is especially true if you're an actor, writer, director, or someone who'd like to eventually make money doing something in the arts. That guy pictured above? He's not an artist. He's not Robin Hood. He's just a thief...a bushy-eyebrow'd thief.
And if you can afford it, just rent movies or go to the theater. There are so many good, inexpensive options out there now (like Netflix, On-Demand, etc.) that you shouldn't have to cry "poverty" every time there's something good you want to watch. Again, this is especially true for the aspiring professional artists out there.
But like I say...if you watch this stuff, I ain't mad atcha'. I was a lot like you...but I've recently come to the realization that I need to be a little bit less anarchic, and a little more responsible (must have happened when I turned 30). I think we're going to get to a very exciting point where every show ever made will be available to watch at any time, anywhere (for a monthly fee). If we let these pirates dictate the rules, then none of the money will get to the people who deserve it -- these are the actors, writers, directors, producers, and studios.
That little Russian dude up there? He shouldn't be getting jack squat...because he created nothing and risked nothing...so he deserves nothing.
Those are the geniuses who decided to start suing people who were "file sharing" music starting in 2003. They took hundreds of people to court. The vast majority of the defendants were totally and undeniably guilty of theft, but some of them were baffled, confused, and quite photogenic. Consequently, when the public thinks of online pirates, this is what they think of:
Those are all people that were all sued by the RIAA for "stealing music." And that lineup doesn't include the deceased grandmother, the family that didn't own a computer, the 12 year Brianna LaHara, and the 13 year old Brittany Chan.
These lawsuits were, in a word, "monumentally stupid."
It made the corporations (the ones spending all the money, and taking all the risks to produce this stuff) look like bullying assholes. It made Metallica (METALLICA!) look like a bunch of corporate shills. It made the layperson believe that software pirates were terrified single mothers, children, and the elderly.
But I have a secret. Here's what online pirates really look like:
Yarr.
Or, at least, that's how I picture them. They're actually (primarily) male, ranging in age between late 20s to early 40s. They're intelligent. Sophisticated. Incredibly well-organized. Usually foreign. And relentless.
To top it all off, they're also wealthy. Pirates make a lot of money doing this. A lot. Don't let the sob stories fool you. Don't think they're just providing some kind of free public service to "fight the man." The people running online piracy sites make a comfortable living, selling other peoples' creations. It's no different than a person walking into a store, stuffing a bunch of DVDs into their backpack, then walking out to the sidewalk and selling those DVDs for a dollar a piece. It's not noble. It's not "taking on money-hungry corporations." It's just straight-up stealing.
I mean, most people would never grab a DVD off of a store shelf and sneak it outside...but they'd be more than happy to watch a pirated movie online. The crime is no different...really. It's just more anonymous, and far less risky.
"But hang on a second, Tyler," you wail. "How could they possibly make money doing this? Doesn't it cost a lot of money to host these sites?"
I'm glad you asked that.
First off, any pirate site worth its salt does not host any videos. They post links that redirect you to video hosting sites (which are, a lot of the time, subscription-based...in addition to selling ad space).
But on top of that, any time you go to one of these pirate sites, you'll still get advertisements. These range from "kind of annoying" (pop-up ads and banners) to "pretty irritating" (non-skippable video ads, forced redirects) to "straight up dangerous" (adware, malware, viruses). Every site has them. And the more traffic they get, the more money they make. The more irritating the advertisement, the bigger the payout.
Consequently, these link sites encourage users to record and post movies (often without paying them a dime), while the admins sit back and collect any profit (paid to their anonymous PayPal accounts via the scammy advertising sites).
In fact, one of the major operators of these link sites is the Russian Business Network. This is a cyber-crime organization that takes the revenue earned from these pirate sites, and feeds it into child pornography, identity theft schemes, prostitution rings, the black market, and an army of malware scams. Essentially, when you go to a site run by the RBN, you're helping pay for all of these illegal activities.
And the infuriating thing for me is: these people have created nothing. They've contributed nothing. They've just set up a website, loaded it with ads and bullcrap, then pawned it off on the unwary public...because who wouldn't want to watch any movie or TV show ever filmed for free? When the RIAA filed all of their idiotic lawsuits, the pirates (and their proprietors) look like the victims! It's incredible.
"So," you snivel, "what can I do?"
Well, in spite of all my rantings, I won't ask you to stop watching pirated movies. It's a losing battle...I know...and I don't want to seem like a square. I get the appeal. Heck, I'd be lying to you if I told you I haven't ever downloaded something illegal.
But, there's stuff you can do. Little stuff, to encourage networks to start migrating their material online. For instance, if you're presented with the option -- take the legit one. Like, instead of watching Modern Family on some shitty pirate site, just go to Hulu and tolerate the 30 second ads (you can navigate away from the screen, check your e-mail, read my blog, etc.). I think you'd feel a lot better knowing that your money is going to the people who make the stuff you watch, and not this smug little foreign dude:
Problem?
This is especially true if you're an actor, writer, director, or someone who'd like to eventually make money doing something in the arts. That guy pictured above? He's not an artist. He's not Robin Hood. He's just a thief...a bushy-eyebrow'd thief.
And if you can afford it, just rent movies or go to the theater. There are so many good, inexpensive options out there now (like Netflix, On-Demand, etc.) that you shouldn't have to cry "poverty" every time there's something good you want to watch. Again, this is especially true for the aspiring professional artists out there.
But like I say...if you watch this stuff, I ain't mad atcha'. I was a lot like you...but I've recently come to the realization that I need to be a little bit less anarchic, and a little more responsible (must have happened when I turned 30). I think we're going to get to a very exciting point where every show ever made will be available to watch at any time, anywhere (for a monthly fee). If we let these pirates dictate the rules, then none of the money will get to the people who deserve it -- these are the actors, writers, directors, producers, and studios.
That little Russian dude up there? He shouldn't be getting jack squat...because he created nothing and risked nothing...so he deserves nothing.
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