And It Got Me To Thinking...

Just what exactly did I mean when I told my parents that I was a man without any ice cream? Was that supposed to be deep...like some sort of metaphorical romp across the subconscious? Or was I just really craving a heaping bowl of ice cream? I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good scoop or two here and there, but I avoid the stuff for the most part because my teeth are weaker than an aluminum foil suit of armor. And ice cream to me, is like a phaser to a Klingon. Oh, dammit...have I revealed too much? BACK BEHIND THE GUISE OF COOL, YOU FOOL!!!

But this unfortunate accident made me question myself; do I just say any old crap that comes out of my mouth...without thinking first? Like, there was that time I told my car mechanic that I think he'd look good in a tuxedo...or that time I informed my across-the-street neighbor that I didn't care for her brand of stink (I think I may have said "stank" at the time, but it really had the same effect either way). What I really need to do is just sit down with pen and paper, and write out all of my conversations for the coming week. Now, I'm not talking about something verbatime...verbatum...verbayschin...ver...ver...verbatativie...vin...vu..vuu...vuuuariari!!! VAAAA!!!! Vuskitvfairfiii!! Vivi!! VIVI!!! VIVI!!!!!! VAAAAAAAA!!! SOMEONE MAKE THE VIVVVITY-VIVVITY-VOICES STOPPPPPPP!!!

Sorry..."verbatim" (I know because I checked on "dictionary.com" and "hornysluts.net" to make sure). Conversations are, for the most part, a varied thing that you carry out with people across a day. No way can you script every word, and expect it to be accurate.

For instance, yesterday I was talking to my buddy Bardiche. I said...I said to him, "Hey, dude, what's your problem?" And he was like "You're my problem." And I was like, "Oh, that is soooo original." And he says, "Well, your face is original."

Then I thought...yes. My face is original, thank you. But I didn't tell him that. Instead, I said, "Hey dude, it takes one to know one." Then I drove off on a moped.

So, anyway...I've decided to put write down a brief outline for my very next conversation here...to see how it goes. That way I won't face the crushing embarrassment that I feel every time I go in unprepared. All right...here goes.

-- General Greeting, like "Yo!"

-- Question what this person is "up to," or something of that nature.

-- Listen, respond non-commitally (we wouldn't want them to take over the conversation now, would we?)

-- Talk about how "crazy" stuff is now. If person agrees, then find further examples of craziness. If person is "not so sure" that stuff is crazy, quickly agree, and talk about how things are much better now then they used to be.

-- Ask about the mutual friend you have. If you don't share any mutual friend, use a generic name like "Jon" or "Jen," and ask how that person is doing? Failing that, ask how the person's parents are; if they're still "healthy" and all that.

-- After that inevitable pause of a fraction of a second, decide that the person that you're talking to really does not want to talk to you, and provide them an escape. "So, it's been cool seeing you again" always works. Or maybe "Well, I'm off to get some lunch." No one in their right mind would deny a person lunch. Give a little wave to them, and make your way out of their sight.

There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Now, you know what would be a great conversation topic (probably something I will have to save for another post, as this one has gone from "long" to "gaa gaa GOOOHEEIO!!!")? How's about the legendary band "Quiet Riot" (get it? How can a "riot" be "quiet?" That's hilarious!!!)? Here's a little snippet from a song appropriately titled "It's Not Funny." See if you can make any sense of it, because I've now read it twenty-four times, and it's still a little blurry. Anyhow, here goes:

You say when you grow up you'll have what you want
And everything that you need
What is the use of having it all
If you listen and never be seen

Man. That's just...man...