Didn't Think I Would...

But I did...and I'd do it again if it weren't for this damn artificial hip.

Can I be "for reals" with you for a second? If I didn't have this blog of mine...would you still love me? I mean, I know I don't have much to give you in the way of fancy things...like all them diamond rings...but, if you're just seeing me because I have a blog...well then, sir...I'd rather you spent your time elsewhere. This is difficult for me to say...and it's even more difficult for me to type (because of the arthritis), but I think it's best if we just both go our own ways...

Because see, I've learned something about myself. I've learned that, yes, as amazing as my blogging skills are (and they are quite something -- I scored in the top 17.4 percent my blogging class last Tuesday), there has to be something more that you could be attracted to. We must face facts; if I didn't have this blog, I wouldn't have you. You're a person who is attracted to blog. That's what you told me when we first met -- you love me for blog. And I was fine with that.

But I'm getting old. Very old. Dog old. Older than that old coot who hangs out in front of the general store and combs his ear-hair with a tooth brush. Yes. That old. And I need some security in my life. I need to know that, as soon as I give up my blog, you will still be around. I honestly don't think you can promise me that.

Which is why...as hard as this is to say, you must...must......must go now. Please don't look back. Just walk away. Please. Please...what...why are you looking back? Oh, I still have your keys? Sorry about that. Here. Here's your keys back. Sorry about that -- I forgot that we took your car here. So, please go n--what? Oh, and your purse? Yeah, I have that too. Here you go. Well, I thought it would look nice with my sweater. Well I--huh? Yes. But blue on blue looks good, doesn't it? You don't think so? Teal? Well, I guess in the sun it looks teal...but at Old Navy--

Darling, please, let's not get distracted. You must...you must leave me now, and not look back. Unless you forgot something else. Huh? You have everything? Excellent. Now you can leave. And now I can serenade you in our final seconds together...providing the fitting sound track to our fond adieu. This is from that Sisqo album that you love so much: "Unleash The Dragon." I'll sing our song, "How Can I Love You 2Nite?"

Don't cum
Baby please wait for me
Just think how wet we're gonna be
Let it rain on me
So sorry we can't be baby

Wait...are those really the lyrics? "Let it rain on me." Hmm...did we pick that song on the day I was doped out on DayQuil and Beefeater Gin? Whoops.