The Perfect Chain Letter

Yes...I am constructing it right now. It is going to be amazing. You know, there are a lot of winners out there, and I've learned from each one. I've been silently waiting...like a hawk...or throat cancer...and now I am ready to strike.

I have titled this letter "Do Not Open This Letter," but I can't tell you what is inside. I can only give you one hint -- it's a scantily clad picture of a famous celebrity. Okay, I'll give you another hint: it's Christina Aguilera. And I'll give you one more hint: the text of the letter reads "Send this picture to 10 of your friends, or I'll send Christina your house to kill your dog."

Okay, turns out I actually revealed a little bit more than I wanted to, but I have no regrets. None. Well...actually two...but they're none of your business...and they involve canned pineapples, which are also none of your business.

Anyhow, I'm not sure what I want with this chain letter. I mean...I have a lifetime subscription to www.chainletters.com, and I know that I can get some amazing distribution (professional chain letterers call it "e-spread"). But I want more. I want every citizen of the United States, from the president down to Armin (who works at my building) to own this letter.

I'd like this letter to be elected to public office -- nothing too big...I'd settle for State Senator...or Student Council Vice President for Arrowhead Elementary School.

All I need you to do is open this letter, and pass it along. Really. I promise that I didn't put any viruses on the picture or anything -- I actually just downloaded it from the FHM web site. It's harmless...really. All I want from you is 20 seconds of your time, and everlasting chain-letter-writer glory. That's not such a horrible thing, is it?