My Dear, Dear Friends

Well, I have decided, with today's blog, to offer you all a gift. The gift of friendship, because it is the most precious gift that anyone can offer. Giving the gift of friendship is much like giving someone a black eyeliner pencil, or an extra Playstation 2 Controller (if you catch my meaning...and if you do, could you please tell me what my meaning is?)

But this is my treat. I am going to say one nice thing about all of my 20 friends...some of whom I'm so close with you could practically say that I live with them, and some of them who live in freaking Illinois. In fact, I'm pretty sure the state motto of Illinois is "Freaking Illinois." Or is that the motto of Indiana?

Then I thought to myself, how much fun would it be if I just said one nice thing about everyone I'm "MySpace Friends" with? So, to keep things interesting, I'm also going to say one viciously mean thing about them, that will be completely fabricated...but will hopefully entertain. It's all about getting to the next paragraph, iddin' it? Oh, and instead of bullets, each person will get an emoticon...because there are a freaking buttload of them, an emoticons make me giggle.

Erika Erika has the sexiest body that I have ever seen, and is by far the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet. On the down side, I also saw her punch a homeless guy once.

Matt Matt has the most beautifully trimmed facial hair that I have ever seen on a man, and I think he'd look great with a full beard. Unfortunately he has a nasty habit of stealing my car and selling it for drug money.

Molly Molly decorated her apartment elaborately, and I would turn to her first if I were to ever purchase a chandelier. That is, if she could ever stop setting things on fire.

Meaghan Meaghan is all that a first cousin could ask for in another first cousin. But she's been crashing at my place for about 4 months now, and always eats my Nutri-Grain bars without asking first.

Lauren Lauren did me the great service of actually marrying my cousin Danny, which she did with Aplomb. Unfortunately, Aplomb is the name of her Pakistani housekeeper, and the three-way-marriage is reportedly fairly awkward at this point.

Noah Noah is the tallest person I have ever met, and he has very nice teeth. But whenever I see him, he bites me with those teeth and tells me my flesh tastes like "Cooked Turnips..." and I wish he'd stop.

Patrick Patrick is the tallest person I have ever met, and he could destroy me in either an arm-wrestling competition or Boggle. But I think he's a little vain sometimes, and just because he is the most beautiful human being alive, it doesn't mean he has to act like it. Sheesh.

Jess Jess makes me crap my pants she's so talented. Now if she could stop using that talent to promote the forces of evil at the "Church Of Ba'al," we'd probably be even better friends.

Nick Nick's hair smells like Pert Plus, and I really dig that. His breath also smells like Pert Plus, and that makes me a little uncomfortable.

Sharky Sharky is strong...I bet he could bench press the New York Knicks if he wanted to. All he does now is bench press the grass in my back yard, and there are some unsightly divots that need constant filling because he always feels the need to show off his manly biceps.

Tessa Tessa looks totally awesome when the wind whips through her hair. But when her whip whips through the air, it usually leaves welts on my forearms...that have been placed in a protective manner over my face after she's "had a few."

Aubrey Aubrey not only has the coolest name I have ever heard, it also happens to fall at #1 alphabetically on my list of friends. Just be warned though, she will tackle you violently if you accidently call her "Aub."

David David wears the best pants. But pants are the only thing he wears -- the rest of his body is covered in moist pink paint.

Eric Eric can put a healthy dose of "stank" on a track that he's mixing, and he's far and away the best DJ of all my friends. But dude cheats like hell when he plays Bed Bugs ©...trust me.

Jocelyn Jocelyn has the most awesome speaking voice that you will ever lay ears on...and if you have a chance, let the woman talk to you for a while. Now, when I asked her to do this she stabbed me...so be sure to ask nicely.

Betsy Betsy can apply glitter so that it appears as if her skin itself glistened...and she knows karate. She has a monkey fetish.

Brett Brett is the tallest...wait...um...I mean Brett does an amazing Groucho Marks impression. But his Harpo impression sucks.

Krystle Krystle can literally kick her leg 7 feet over her head -- I've seen it. She told me that her Beanie Babies© taught her to do that...according to her they teach her "everything."

Chris Chris was in Drivers Ed with me, and he didn't hit a car the entire time we drove together. He did run the car into the side of a building...but the damage was minor.

Lisa Lisa and I went to junior high, and high school together...and she has lived her life with passion. But with great passion come great responsibility, and I fear her passion is almost too passionate for the world to bear right now.

Now, if I have offended, then dammit lighten up. But if I haven't, then dammit what's it gonna' take? No, but I treasure you all, as a pirate would treasure his booty.